50 Latest Hot Weird Crazy Groaners:



I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

- Random starter weird groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Never assume the plume of the fume of the legume can be masked with perfume.

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  • I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

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  • No matter how good the hand soap smells,

    Never walk out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.

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  • People who bang on about their phobias really annoy me.... I have a fear of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

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  • “I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late.

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  • Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited.
    Because I know she's legal, and willing to do stuff she may regret.

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  • Won the Postman of the Year competition - absolutely mailed it! Now, I'll be expecting a far bigger post.

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  • We have. Double door refrigerator. On the left side we keep the leftovers. Wanna guess what we keep on the right side?

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  • "A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
    - Montaigne

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  • I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

    I'm going to release it myself.

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  • - “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
    - “Will you be much longer?”
    - “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

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  • I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

    Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

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  • Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
    They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

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  • I am such a loser.
    The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

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  • Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
    My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

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  • You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.
    Not even my virginity.

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  • Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

    Me: my what?

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  • I wanted to be a Flasher until I found out they don't get paid!
    They just do it for the Exposure?!?

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  • I just bought two fish and called one one and the other two...
    When one dies I'll still have two.

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  • I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

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  • ‘I like the way you scramble my eggs’

    ~me, flirting

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  • I assume orgy etiquette is like silverware. You start on the outside and work your way in.

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  • “I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas."

    "Tibet?"

    "Why else would I go?”

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  • Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway track?

    Tequila.

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  • If someone asks me if I'm mad at them, it makes me wonder if I should be and I just don't know why yet.

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  • DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

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  • A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

    It was a flop.

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  • The difference between infatuation and obsession is stalking.

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  • I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

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  • Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

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  • There was a short scream from inside the suitcase.

    “Brief?”

    “OK, there was a scream from inside the BRIEFcase.”

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  • You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

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  • My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I’m sure it’s carpool tunnel syndrome...

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  • Mad hatter implies the existence of a just disappointed hatter.

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  • fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. rtewete fi yuo aer smrat.

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  • According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."

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  • Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it.
    Took a little longer than I thought it would.

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  • Today I learned: You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.

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  • When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe.

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  • Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

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  • I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

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  • It was so windy today that the chickens laid the same eggs twice.

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  • Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

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  • I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

    He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

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  • Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

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  • How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

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  • Good news: I can still do a full split!
    Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

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  • Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
    So I didn't.

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  • Me on security.

    "There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

    Control Room, "Copy that."

    Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

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  • Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

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