Hilarious jokes about ARMY that will make your day 🤪!



One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

- Random starter military groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
    I’ll call them The Infantry.

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  • I'm not an organ donor,
    But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.

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  • How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
    But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

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  • Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

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  • Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?

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  • Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

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  • I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
    He goes into battle all buns glazing.

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  • Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

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  • A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!

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  • I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
    He goes into battle all buns glazing.

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  • My dentist joined the army and they made him a Drill Sergeant.

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  • I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it's private.

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  • What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.

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  • What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
    A Navy Wet Seal.

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  • Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
    A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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  • I'm not an organ donor,
    But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.

    * * * * *


  • Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
    It had too many sleepless knights.

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  • I keep trying to find out what the lowest rank in the Army is, but every person I asked keeps telling me it's private.

    * * * * *


  • Bell, Bark and Kennel, a novel by Ivan Pavlov, chronicles the birth of the Salivation Army.

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  • Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?

    * * * * *


  • During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines!

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  • This guy stopped me the other day and asked for directions to the army barracks. I said, "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right".

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  • Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

    The one on the tank.

    * * * * *


  • The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

    * * * * *


  • How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
    But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

    * * * * *


  • I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

    I'll call them The Infantry.

    * * * * *


  • What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

    The Salivation Army

    * * * * *


  • What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

    The Salivation Army

    * * * * *


  • What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
    Infant tree.

    * * * * *


  • Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. -The Swiss Army

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  • Only certain professionals can get away saying these:
    👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
    😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
    🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
    👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
    👔Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
    💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
    🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
    👮Police: "You don't need protection."
    🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
    🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
    💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
    👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
    ☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!

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  • Did you hear the story of how cows provided milk for the Roman Army?
    It's legion-dairy.

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  • What do you call 100,000 men with their hands up?
    The French Army.

    * * * * *


  • A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

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  • As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

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  • I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
    I’ll call them The Infantry.

    * * * * *


  • I got sacked from my job in a Salvation Army kitchen,
    All I said was, Hurry up you lot,
    Some of us have got homes to go to.

    * * * * *


  • I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

    * * * * *


  • I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

    * * * * *


  • A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
    with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
    Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
    Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

    * * * * *


  • One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
    And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
    Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
    With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

    * * * * *


  • Who was the biggest joker in George Washington’s army?
    Laugh-ayette.

    * * * * *


  • When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.

    * * * * *


  • A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
    The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
    The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
    After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
    The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
    The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

    * * * * *



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