Hilarious jokes about BANKs that will make your day 🤪!



My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

- Random starter banker groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
    He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

    Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

    "What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

    Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

    "Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

    "Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

    "My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

    "Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

    "What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

    The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

    * * * * *


  • It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
    French Proverb.

    * * * * *


  • An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

    * * * * *


  • england doesn't have a kidney bank but it has liverpool ⚽

    * * * * *


  • If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

    * * * * *



  • Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
    One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
    The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

    * * * * *


  • Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

    * * * * *


  • If you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent/food bills for several years – whether or not you get caught.

    * * * * *


  • Just great!
    …..The furnace is broken at my bank and my assets are frozen.

    * * * * *


  • My brother's wife left him because he was bankrupted from gambling debts.
    He's trying to win her back but I don't fancy his chances.

    * * * * *


  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

    * * * * *


  • To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
    Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

    * * * * *


  • I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account

    * * * * *


  • I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

    I think it will gain a lot of interest.

    * * * * *


  • I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
    I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

    * * * * *


  • My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
    I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

    * * * * *


  • A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
    He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

    Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

    "What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

    Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

    "Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

    "Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

    "My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

    "Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

    "What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

    The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

    * * * * *


  • A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

    * * * * *


  • Dear God,
    All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
    Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
    Amen.

    * * * * *


  • The bank guy was pestering me to borrow money, I begged him to leave me a loan.

    * * * * *


  • A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank have called in the bay leafs.

    * * * * *


  • Why are banknote printing machines absurd?
    Because they make no cents.

    * * * * *


  • I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
    He said: "Did he have a gun?"
    I said: "No, but he was well armed"

    * * * * *


  • I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk.

    The clerk said 'What are you doing?'

    I said 'I want to open a joint account'

    * * * * *


  • Someone has used my bank details to buy some men’s aftershave.
    I think my card has been cologned !

    * * * * *


  • How do you cancel an appointment with a Sperm Bank?
    It's easy... You just tell them you can't come!

    * * * * *


  • Mike,
    It says in the paper that the police
    are looking for a bank robber with one eye,
    Marty, Why don't they use two?

    * * * * *


  • My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

    Which was nice of him.

    * * * * *


  • Just wondering, do they use bank notes in the cheque republic?

    * * * * *


  • Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

    Most of them are Tellers.

    * * * * *


  • Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

    Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

    * * * * *


  • My mom taught me to “work until your bank account balance looks like a phone number.”

    Does $9.11 count?

    * * * * *


  • The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

    I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

    * * * * *


  • Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank?

    He wanted to check his balance.

    * * * * *


  • Funny thing about Banks , they only want to Loan you money when you don’t need it.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

    * * * * *


  • What were the 2 Kebabs doing at the blood bank ?
    They were Donor Kebabs.

    * * * * *


  • Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's stolen my bank account!

    * * * * *


  • If You Attempt to Rob a Bank, You Will Have No Trouble with Rent or Bills for the Next Ten Years, Whether You Are Successful or Not.

    * * * * *


  • It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
    French Proverb.

    * * * * *


  • A father is a banker provided by nature.
    French Proverb

    * * * * *


  • BREAKING: The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...

    It's a massive Boost for the economy!

    * * * * *


  • What are at the end of Bank Movies?
    Credits.

    * * * * *


  • A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

    * * * * *


  • Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
    Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
    Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
    Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

    * * * * *


  • An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

    * * * * *


  • All of my uncles are trained police snipers, unlike my grandpa, who was a committed bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by family.

    * * * * *


  • At the bank I told the cashier “ I’d like to open a joint account”.. “ with who?” she asked...” with whoever has lots of money” ☺️

    * * * * *


  • Èlectrician opens current account at bank.

    * * * * *


  • "I got a letter from my bank yesterday that said "Final Reminder".
    At least I know they will stop asking me now..."

    * * * * *


  • If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

    * * * * *


  • I never thought in 2020 I could go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

    * * * * *


  • My friend cancelled his appointment at the sperm bank. He called them and said he can't cum.

    * * * * *


  • What does a programmer and a bank robber have in common?

    To fix the problem, sometimes you gotta flush the cache.

    * * * * *


  • My bank account balance is a palindrome.
    $00.00

    * * * * *


  • Q. Why did 50 Cent declare bankruptcy?
    A. 'Cause he didn't have a dollar to his name.

    * * * * *


  • I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos
    Now they won't post m'loan.

    * * * * *


  • Two wealthy friends were standing outside of a bank, holding stacks of cash.

    “What do poor people talk about?” one asked the other.

    “Who cares?” quipped the friend.

    * * * * *


  • A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

    The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

    The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

    The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

    The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

    When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

    The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

    • ⁠


    The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    * * * * *


  • A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...
    One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
    A month later, she became his stepmother.

    * * * * *


  • A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

    * * * * *


  • A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” - “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. - “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. - “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

    * * * * *


  • The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
    The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
    The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
    The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
    The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
    The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
    The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

    * * * * *


  • If you get a loan at a bank you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years.
    Follow me for more financial advices...

    * * * * *


  • Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news.
    I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

    * * * * *


  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    * * * * *


  • Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.

    * * * * *


  • Why is there Braille on the number pads on drive-through bank machines?

    * * * * *


  • A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

    * * * * *


  • What do you call it when you take a shit in a bank? A Deposhit.

    * * * * *



More bank jokes on the following pages...