Hilarious jokes about BIRDs that will make your day 🤪!



Q: If the stork is the bird that brings babies. What is the bird that prevents babies?
A: The swallow.

- Random starter birdie groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    Bird flu requires tweetment while swine flu just needs oinkment

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  • Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
    The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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  • So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦

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  • - "What do you call two birds in love?"
    - "Tweethearts!"

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  • Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

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  • The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

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  • So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

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  • My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.

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  • Did you know that Penguins secrete an oil under their feathers which helps them to retain body heat.
    So basically the oily bird gets the warm.!!

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  • My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks. That's swan way to go about it.

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  • The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots.

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  • I'm just saying if I post a bird joke, I would definitely get cheep laughs.

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  • What do you call two birds in love?
    Tweet-hearts!

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  • Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

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  • So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
    They just flew off the shelves!

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  • When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

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  • Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush.

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  • Terrible bird puns always create cheep laughs.

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  • The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?
    The swallow.

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  • My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
    He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

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  • Caught a glimpse of a bird's nest today.
    I was just finches away.

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  • Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm?
    How´d that work out for him?

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  • me: I think some people are birds in disguise.
    friend: lol, can I tweet that.
    me: *narrows eyes* can you what ?

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  • Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
    To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

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  • Do you know what animal has the dirtiest most cussing mouth in the world?
    A bird, they have fowl language!

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  • What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

    One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

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  • Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

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  • This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
    Swallow?
    No. I managed to spit it out.

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  • I smoke weed to get high and for my depression.
    I'm killing two birds with one stone.

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  • What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

    A bird can still tweet.

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  • It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it.

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  • What if birds are just drones and they sit on electric wire to recharge ?

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  • What do you call two birds in love?
    Tweethearts!

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  • I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

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  • I got a Louis XV style clock with a bird chime. It's a rocuckoo clock.

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  • I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face after she scanned the bird seed and I asked her, how long does it take for the bird to grow.

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  • What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
    A hummingbird.

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  • Getting nervous that I’m being followed around by a large wading bird. I think I’m being storked.

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  • Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
    The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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  • Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

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  • You know the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
    The swine flu requires an oinkment, the bird flu gets a tweetment.

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  • I'd tell you the joke about two tropical birds stuck together but its toucan fusing.

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  • A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
    After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

    - Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

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  • What do you call a bird that is scared of heights?

    A chicken.

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  • What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
    One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

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  • Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

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  • Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful??

    Ones an act against the law and the other is a sick bird!

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  • I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
    Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

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  • Telling bird puns is usually harmless, but when you start mocking birds, things can quickly get unpheasant and hawkward.

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  • The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

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  • Where do birds go for coffee?
    To the NESTcafe.

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  • A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
    One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
    On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
    Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
    The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
    “I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
    The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
    “Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

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  • I made a chicken salad today.

    That ungrateful bird didn't even eat it!

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  • —¿Nivel de inglés?
    —Alto.
    —Traduzca "pájaro".
    —Bird.
    —Úselo en una frase.
    —Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
    —¡Largo de aquí!

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  • Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
    Because the early bird catches the worm!

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  • What do you get when you cross a rooster with a duck? A bird that wakes up at the quack of dawn!

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  • - What summer vacation destination makes your pet bird sing for joy?
    - I haven’t a clue.
    - The Canary Islands!

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  • My wife does bird imitations.

    She watches me like a hawk.

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  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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  • An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
    "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
    "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

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  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    Bird flu requires tweetment while swine flu just needs oinkment

    * * * * *


  • How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

    Toucans.

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  • Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
    "Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

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  • A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
    While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he
    suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
    act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The
    husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
    wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a
    gun to the naked man's head
    The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
    - HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
    - HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
    - HE paid for your Football season tickets.
    - HE paid for our house at the lake.
    - HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
    - HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
    - And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each
    month.
    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
    over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
    The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a
    cold !!

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  • - "What do you call two birds in love?"
    - "Tweethearts!"

    * * * * *


  • One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

    As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

    “Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

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  • Why do people say "Tuna Fish" when they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird"?

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  • - What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
    - The Parrots of the Caribbean.

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  • Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
    A: It's too far to walk.

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  • A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

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More bird jokes on the following pages...