Hilarious jokes about CATS that will make your day 🤪!



My German cat is finally dead, it definitely now has nein lives.

- Random starter kitty groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

    Until someone let the cat out the bag.

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  • Store policy: You break it you buy it.

    Cat policy: you by it you break it.

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  • What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

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  • Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

    I guess the cat got his tongue.

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  • What do you call a cat with 8 legs?
    An Octopuss.

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  • A cat walks between a womans legs...Looks up and thinks...
    I don't see the resemblance....... 🐈

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  • If it is 'one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go...'

    Then how many cats is Elvis left with?😎

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  • A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
    The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "Hey, that’s neat," says the bartender. "Where did you get that?”
    “France," the kitty says, "they’ve got millions of them!”

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  • cat and a rooster are sitting by a pool, the cat falls in and the rooster laughs, the cat says a wet pussy always makes a cock happy.

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  • There was a swimming competition between two cats. The first cat was named un deux trois, the second was named one two three. Which cat won the race?

    One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq.

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  • My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
    Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

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  • Just seen a cat and a hedge hog fighting.....
    I think the hedge hog was winning on points.

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  • A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
    He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
    "Perfect," he thinks.
    The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
    Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
    The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
    "I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
    The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
    "Yes" the man replied.
    "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
    The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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  • One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
    When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
    One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
    Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
    The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

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  • Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
    A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

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  • A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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  • What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
    Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

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  • You can now get an action-packed boat trip to that Japanese cat island.
    It's a Tom Cruise.

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  • "WHAT DO WE WANT?"
    "MORE CAT NOISES"
    "WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
    "MEOW!!"

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  • A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
    "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
    The next day grandpa died.
    The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
    "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
    The next day the grandmother died.
    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
    He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
    He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
    When he got home his wife said,
    "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

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  • A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.
    The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."
    The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."
    The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."
    The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to death with fire, and then fuck it again."
    The masochist says, "Meow."

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  • Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

    “One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

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  • If I have to have my cat put down, do I need to book 9 appointments at the vets?

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  • Why did the cat see a shrink?
    He had a pursonality disorder.

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  • I ran over neighbors cat last night and I just want to say… THAT THING WAS FAST! I had run a red light to get it!

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  • A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
    “What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”

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  • What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.

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  • How does the cat celebrate its birthday? By turning up the mewsic.

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  • I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox
    the cat kept covering me up.

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  • Was it a car or a cat I saw?

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  • Dusty = Study
    Night = Thing
    Inch = Chin
    Brag = Grab
    Cat = Act

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  • Denver = Nerved
    Las Vegas = Salvages
    Statue of Liberty = Built to stay free
    Violet Cat = Attic Love
    Santa = satan

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  • Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

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  • What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws...

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  • My cat has started drinking the local church wine... I thinks he's become a Cataholic...

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  • Store policy: You break it you buy it.

    Cat policy: you by it you break it.

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  • Why did the cat cross the road?
    Because the chicken had a laser pointer 🙄

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  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

    One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

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  • Social media is a lot like Ancient Egypt. A lot of Cat worshiping goes on!

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  • Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
    No, but cat scan.

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  • What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

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  • I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

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  • What do you call a cat with 8 legs?
    An Octopuss.

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  • This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

    When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

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  • A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

    The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

    The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

    The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

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  • A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
    If I saw that I'd puma pants.

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  • What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

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  • Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
    We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

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  • My German cat is finally dead, it definitely now has nein lives.

    * * * * *


  • Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

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  • My Korean friend was going to make his wife a secret dinner for Mothers day but someone let the cat out of the bag.

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  • A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
    The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

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  • I saw a cat at Tesco buying 9 bags for life.

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  • Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
    Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

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  • My cat lost his tail in an accident. But I was able to get him a new one at a retail store.

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  • I've been thinking about getting cat faces tattooed around my nipples,
    but I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about titty tats.

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  • Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

    I guess the cat got his tongue.

    * * * * *


  • There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

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  • A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.
    The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

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  • Why did the cat get divorced?
    He was a cheetah.

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  • A cat has just given birth in a public park
    and has been fined $50 for littering.

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  • I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

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  • Why did the cat go to the vet? Because he said he wasn't feline fine!

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  • COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

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  • Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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  • A black cat just crossed my path. I think there’s some purrinormal cativity going on or something.

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  • I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it.

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  • Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

    Until someone let the cat out the bag.

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  • I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

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More cats jokes on the following pages...