250+ Brilliant Absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes to make you burst with laughter.



Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

- TOP absurd joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

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  • Why did the clown cross the road?
    To get his rubber chicken.

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  • I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

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  • Just thought a thought but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

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  • A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

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  • Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?
    Because it's time-consuming, and you always want seconds.

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  • How do you know that there is an elephant hiding in your bathroom? You can’t close the shower curtain.

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  • I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely.

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  • Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog?
    Every dog I've ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.

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  • What's black and white and travels at super sonic speed ?
    Penguin in a jet fighter.

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  • I saw a bloke fishing.
    "What are you using as bait?"
    He said "Licorice.
    "What sort of fish do you catch with licorice?"
    He said "All sorts"

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  • Walked into a business meeting the other week, put a kebab on the desk and said "we really have to think about strategy". One of my colleagues asked "what's with the kebab?" I said "salad and a little chilli sauce".

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  • So this bloke walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm and says: "Do you make fishcakes?"
    "Of course," says the fishmonger.
    "Oh good," says the bloke, "make him one, it's his birthday".

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  • I bought coconut shampoo this morning..
    I've only just realised I don't even have a coconut.

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  • Absurdism is just nihilism on weed.

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  • Why did the absurdist cross the road?
    Seventeen fish sticks.

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  • Why are banknote printing machines absurd?
    Because they make no cents.

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  • Wood is so expensive. I went to the doctor with a splinter, he gave me $10 for it!

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  • Happened upon a guy hitting himself in the head with a hammer.

    "Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

    "Yeah," he admitted. "But it feels so GOOD when I stop."

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  • There are two types of people I can't stand...
    Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what's going on.

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  • "We just ate, why are you making pancakes?"
    "They're for the dogs"
    "Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?!"
    "They don't know how to"

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  • Just shot my first turkey.
    Scared everyone in the frozen food
    Section.

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  • This bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
    I said, "It's on the way out."

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  • Why should you never swim on a full stomach? Because it’s easier to swim in water!

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  • Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.
    Sprayed it all over myself, I still cant fly.

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  • Two lions walking down an aisle in a supermarket. One says to the other, “it’s quiet in here today, isn’t it?”.

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  • A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".

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  • I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

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  • I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

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  • A man walks into a butcher's and says,
    Have you got a sheep's head?
    The butcher replies,
    No, it's just the way I brush my hair.

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  • This summer I want to learn how to fish. Then I want to learn how to duck, then how to dog, and if there’s time, how to rabbit.

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  • How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge......footprints in the butter.

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  • Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
    -
    -
    From jumping out of trees.

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  • My wife said,
    Can my mother come down for the weekend?
    So I said Why? and she said, 'Well,
    She's been up on the roof two weeks already.

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  • The first rule of passive aggressive fight club is...

    Actually don’t worry about it, it’s fine...

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  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

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  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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  • What's white and sits in a field?

    A fridge having a picnic.

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  • The Flat Earth Society said they have members all around the globe.

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  • I brought a bureau the other day,
    I opened it up and 14 people fell out,
    It seems it was a missing persons bureau.

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  • Why did the burglar cut off the legs of his bed? He wanted to lay low for a while.

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  • The canoe glided across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn't.

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  • Me: Where are you babe?
    Gf: I'm at the hospital.
    Me: OMG, What happened?!
    Gf: I'm a nurse...
    Me: Oh....

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  • Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
    Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

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  • Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
    To get away from the noise.

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  • Why do ducks have flat feet? From stomping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? From stomping out burning ducks.

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  • They dont play cards on the ship when the captain is standing on the deck.

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  • If you rip a hole in a net, you would have fewer holes in it.

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  • Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
    The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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  • I got lost in the forest, luckily l had a compass with me.
    So l was able to draw perfectly round circles while waiting to be rescued.

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