150+ American Jokes that will make your day !



Please welcome and enjoy our exclusive USA collection selected carefully to spice up your life and brighten up your day with american humor.

- Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • My girlfriend broke up with me for being too "un-American".
    I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

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  • I met a guy in the pub from Texas, he said it takes him 3 days to drive around his ranch, I said, yes I had a car like that.

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  • What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit of measure?
    Mass confusion.

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  • We went to downtown Washington, D. C. yesterday to see the Museum of Government Camouflage and Clandestine Activities, but we couldn't find it!

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  • Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

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  • Not sure why anyone would move to Casper, WY.
    It's a ghost town.

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  • If MissIssippi wore a New Jersey what did Delaware ? … (Alaska and she’ll tell😂)

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  • The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

    The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

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  • What would Idaho be called if you replaced the h with an n?
    Idano.
    Me neither.

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  • Kentucky, we don't
    ask"did you eat yet ?"We just ask,
    "Jeet ? "
    And I think that's beautiful.

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  • One man was in love with a lass from Alaska. Alas she did not love him!

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  • When I first moved to the US, a kid at my school named Barry told me that there's a place I can go to read books and do research. I told him "It's a lie, Barry."

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  • You know you're in Minnesota when you pass a sign on the highway saying "Welcome to Minnesota".

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  • Of all the places I've been, I'd have to say Missouri is the most welcoming. You might say Missouri loves company!

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  • Did everyone forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?

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  • America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
    ~ David Letterman...

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  • The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
    She wanted $800.00.
    The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
    How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

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  • A woman walks into a butcher shop and says, I want a Long Island Duck for a very special dish I’m making. The butcher,(looking puzzled)says, I’m not sure what a Long Island duck looks like, I’ll show you what I have. He then puts three ducks on the counter. The woman picks up the first one, sticks her finger in the ducks bottom, sniffs it and says, no, that’s a New England duck, picks up the second one, does the same thing and says, no, that’s a Rhode Island duck. She picks up the last duck, sticks her finger in, sniffs it an exclaims, now “that’s” a Long Island duck. Totally baffled, the butcher says, in all the years I’ve been a butcher I’ve never seen anyone do that. The woman asks, wher are you from? The butcher turns around, dropped his pants and says, you tell me.

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  • Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?
    Can you imagine praying eighteen times a day?

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  • Considered making a lengthy trip to visit the largest city in North Dakota but it was too Fargo.

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  • What's round in both ends and High in the middle?

    OHIO of course.

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  • The Americans pay a check with a bill but the Brits pay a bill with a cheque.

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  • My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

    I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

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  • Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

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  • Americans say "elevators" but, in the UK, we say "lifts" because we've been raised differently.

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  • Nothing is made in America anymore. My new TV has a sticker that says “Built In Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

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  • - Why doesnt the USA use the metric system?
    - Because we dont want any foreign rulers.

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  • A blonde, a red head, and a brunette are walking into a bar. What does the red head and the brunette do? Duck!

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  • A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
    "We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.
    "Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"
    "Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.
    "The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"
    "We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."
    "Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"
    A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"
    "It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."
    "Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"
    "Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
    "REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"
    The woman replied........
    He said 'Where the fek did you get that lousy hairdo?

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  • This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

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  • Teacher: If you have 14 pieces of candy & your friend takes 3, how many do you have left?
    Johnny: 14. And one less friend. And a pending assault charge.

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  • An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?" The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

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  • A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, “What’s your name son?”

    He replied “D-d-d-d-Dav-David ,sir”

    The officer looked at him suspiciously and asked,” Do you have a stutter?”

    The guy replied, “No sir, My dad had a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a jerk!”

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  • A recent survey showed that women who carry a little bit extra weight live longer then men who mention it.

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  • George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

    George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

    Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

    And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

    * * * * *


  • When it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad.
    Maybe I should let her in.

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  • I work for money.
    If you want loyality, hire a dog 🐩

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  • Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
    They both have a black eye.
    One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
    “Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
    How’d you get your shiner?”
    The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

    * * * * *


  • I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
    I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
    And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

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  • HR: Can you give me an example of your problem solving skills
    Me: I was fired from my last job and now I'm applying for this one.

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  • Sometimes, words just aren't enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

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  • Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People are worshipping cats and writing on walls. 🐈

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  • I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

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  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong... and a tax is a fine for doing well.

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  • A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
    The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
    “Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
    “Yes. What’s your third question?”

    * * * * *


  • My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
    Regret it she will. 😎

    * * * * *


  • Work vs Jail
    In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
    At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
    In prison they get three meals a day.
    At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
    In prison you get time off for good behavior.
    At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
    At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
    In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
    At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
    In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
    At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
    In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
    In prison they can watch TV and play games.
    At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
    At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
    In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
    At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
    In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
    At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
    In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
    At work you are just ball and chained.
    In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
    At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
    In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
    At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

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  • Nothing sucks like watching another man grab your girlfriend's ass and you can't do shit coz the motherfucker is her husband.😎

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  • A ghost walks into a bar
    " whiskey please" he said
    Barman replies " sorry we dont serve spirits" 😎

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  • Because China essentially 9/11’d the entire world several times over with this virus, we will now refer to this as Chinaleven ©️

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  • Did you hear about the guy that lost the left side of his body in a car accident?

    He's all right now.👌

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  • My penis was briefly in the Guinness book of world records, until I got caught by the librarian.

    * * * * *


  • I was sexually active at 12.

    It’s now 12:19 and my arm is killing me.

    * * * * *


  • Work from home?

    I don't even work
    from work.

    * * * * *


  • I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

    The Times are rough.

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More American Jokes on the following pages...