100+ coffee and coffee shop jokes.



I walked in to the kitchen and said to my wife, "Is that coffee I smell?".
She replied "It is and you do!".

- TOP coffee joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • -I will not pay the bill!
    -Why not? You ordered 42 coffee
    -I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.

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  • If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

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  • I hear there’s some guy going around and stealing Red Bull and coffee from the poor. I don’t know how he can sleep at night.

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  • My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?".
    I said, "I drink it".

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  • I was in Starbucks today and ordered a coffee and the barista asked I’d like a little room for milk. I said I already have a little room for milk. It’s called a fridge.

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  • What did one coffee say to the other before they went out? Let’s stir up some fun.

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  • If your morning is not going according to plan, you've got to learn to just latte be.

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  • The defendant in a coffee theft trial refused to testify on the grounds that could incriminate him.

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  • One cup asks another if he wants to see which once can hold most coffee. The other says, "no, that's a mug's game".

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  • So my mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
    I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".

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  • Before I have a dangerous coffee, I like to have safe tea first.

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  • Me to wife:
    So, according to the Bible, who in the relationship should make coffee?
    Wife: No idea since I don't drink the stuff.
    Me: Well there's a whole book devoted to this. He Brews.
    Wife: Oh no you didn't.

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  • The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
    it was grounds for divorce!

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  • What do you call a coffee on a train?
    An expresso!

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  • I was up
    In court this morning for theft of coffee. I got off.
    Luckily I had a good barista.

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  • A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep.

    I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.

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  • Where did Nikolai Romanov get his coffee?
    Tsarbucks.

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  • If coffee and tea get married
    And the tea leaves
    Does coffee have grounds for divorce?

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  • It took 20 minutes for the barista to fill my order!
    But I figured… better latte than never…

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  • What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?

    Hasta barista baby.

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  • If you bump your head on a coffeemaker, does it leave a brews?

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  • My body is just a filter.

    Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

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  • Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?
    To get the latest Java updates.

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  • My wife texted me to say she changed her mind and didn’t want Starbucks, but by then it was two latte.

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  • Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s
    Never heard that one before.

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  • A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
    The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

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  • How is sex like a coffee shop?
    The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

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  • Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?
    100% arabica.

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  • To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot.
    I don’t know how you sleep at night.

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  • My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
    I said ... "I drink it".

    * * * * *


  • How do you pay for coffee in Russia?
    With tsar bucks.

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  • Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?
    To dissolve the sugar.

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  • A man walks into a diner and orders a coffee without cream.
    A moment later, the waitress returns and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

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  • The best thing about quitting coffee for good...
    ...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

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  • I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car.
    Now everyone waves at me.

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  • A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...
    He was charged for resisting a rest.

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  • Before coffee....Hating everybody.
    After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

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  • I like my men how I like my coffee...
    Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat.

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  • People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
    No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

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  • What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
    S T A R B U C K S.

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  • A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
    The coffee gets up and leaves.

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  • A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
    The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

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  • What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
    Raw raw raw raw raw.

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  • What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
    The ground floor.

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  • Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
    I really should move that mirror.

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  • I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
    Safe tea first, though.

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  • What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
    “What’s Sumatra with you?”

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  • A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
    It was instant.

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  • What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
    Break fluid.

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  • What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
    Déjà brew.

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  • How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
    One person think its grounds for divorce.

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  • Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
    I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

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  • Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
    Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

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  • Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
    Because they know how to espresso themselves.

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  • Why do they call coffee mud?
    Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

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More hilarious coffee jokes on the following pages...