30+ Criminal Jokes That Will Really Give You A Lift.



Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.

- TOP gangster joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

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  • When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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  • Why do criminals make great softball pitchers?
    They're naturally underhanded...

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  • Where did the sheep from Boston end up after he robbed the farmer? Behind baaas!

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  • When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

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  • What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?
    A smoothie criminal.

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  • How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?
    When your lawyer has a lawyer.

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  • What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?
    Sketchy.

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  • A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
    The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
    The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
    The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

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  • My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."
    Now he's behind bars.

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  • What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?
    "Stop resisting a rest!"

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  • Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
    They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

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  • Criminals are getting sneakier these days.
    Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

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  • What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
    Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

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  • I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
    We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

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  • They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
    No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

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  • I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.
    Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

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  • Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.
    It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
    After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
    His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

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  • A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.
    The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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  • What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?
    Dumb Criminals break laws.
    Smart Criminals make laws.

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  • The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
    When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

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  • Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?
    A con-census.

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  • I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area.
    It’s my pros and cons list.

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  • How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
    He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.

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  • If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal.
    Not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife.

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  • How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?
    She puts it into a conviction oven.

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  • What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?
    A Gangaroo.

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  • Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
    He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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  • I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
    I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

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  • "Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."
    "How so?"
    "Well, for starters, I'm gay."

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  • What do hookers and criminals have in common.
    They’ve both been in hand cuffs.

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  • What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
    Ass crack.

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  • Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?
    He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

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  • Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.
    An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

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  • "Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
    "Yes, that's assault."

    "I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

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More criminal jokes on the following pages...