30+ Junkies, addicts and drugs jokes.



I was excited when my new employer sent me for a drug test.
What a waste of time, I didn’t get to test any drugs, just had to pee in a cup!

- TOP drugs joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I wrote a limerick about snorting cocaine, where the 3rd and 4th lines are the shortest.

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  • I once made the mistake of wishing a Meth Addict a 'speedy recovery'.

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  • I have zero tolerance for drugs, so I do get very high.

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  • The FDA wanted to pull a new memory drug off the market when they found it couldn’t be recalled.

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  • The IRS has made a major announcement. All Cannabis dealers must file a joint tax return.

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  • Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol?
    The residents were left high and dry.

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  • I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk.

    The clerk said 'What are you doing?'

    I said 'I want to open a joint account'

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  • You can say what you want about glue sniffers but at least they stick together.

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  • Did you know.... A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply!!

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  • I think ladders should be illegal. All people do is get high on them!

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  • I'm addicted to oxygen. I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue.

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  • I got stopped by a Market Researcher the other day and she said "Do you mind if I ask you 10 quick questions?", so I agreed. She said "Question 1: Have you ever blacked out through too much drugs & alcohol? - I answered "No". She said "And finally Question 10:"

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  • I'm pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It's just that most of them aren't snitches.

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  • Nigga took my weed,I took his wheelchair now none of us is rolling.

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  • What happened to the guy that was addicted to bar soap?
    He cleaned himself up.

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  • I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

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  • Who decided to call it “marijuana possession” …
    And not “joint custody?”

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  • After smoking weed for the first time I saw my father beating my dad .

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  • wo young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
    The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
    "Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
    "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
    "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
    "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

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  • Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
    It's simple meth.

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  • Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

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  • - What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?
    - One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.

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  • - How do you find a needle in a hay stack?
    - Lock a junkie in the barn.

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  • So someone asks a junkie..
    Do you still use heroin?
    Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no.

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  • - Did you hear the one about the homeopathic junkie?
    - Unfortunately, he died of an underdose.

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  • - The junkie tried but couldn't quit.
    - All of his efforts were in vein.

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  • - Why did the junkie keep accidentally calling his dealer?
    - Because he had him on speed dial.

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  • Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?
    Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

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  • What's drug junkie's favorite videogame?
    Need for SPEED.

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  • - What do you call a sad junkie with a lisp?
    - Metherable.

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  • Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews
    Dude was fucking nuts.

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  • I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...
    The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

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  • One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.
    Needles to say it's not me.

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  • Do y'all know how much coke Charlie Sheen did? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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  • I perform a magic show in which I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
    It's all smoke and mirrors.

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More junkies, addicts and drugs jokes on the following pages...