150+ Jokes about family, parents and children.



Got a cousin who's so claustrophobic he can't even listen to Crowded House.

- Strangest family joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

    me: w
    h
    a
    a
    a
    a
    t

    * * * * *


  • Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

    * * * * *


  • Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

    * * * * *


  • The Doctor told me if I had a
    vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
    So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

    * * * * *


  • The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
    The poor child must of had grape expectations.

    * * * * *


  • By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

    * * * * *


  • So when I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

    * * * * *


  • “Dad, I failed my test.”
    “Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
    “How do you know?”
    “Because I’m your mom.”

    * * * * *


  • Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

    * * * * *


  • My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

    * * * * *


  • My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

    * * * * *


  • Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!
    Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

    * * * * *


  • The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

    * * * * *


  • I know how it is going to end.

    One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

    * * * * *


  • When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.

    * * * * *


  • Before I got married I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories!

    * * * * *


  • My son tied his first rope today.
    Looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."

    * * * * *


  • Son: Why do you call Dad 'Slinky'?
    Mom: Well, he's not good for much but I can't help but smile when he falls down the stairs.

    * * * * *


  • I grew up with 6 sisters. That's how I learned to dance...waiting for the bathroom.

    * * * * *


  • When you are no longer covered by your parents health insurance, it means that your manufacturer’s warranty has expired.

    * * * * *


  • Woman sends a SMS asking her mother-in-law: “If a child is sick all over himself and his bed, who is responsible for cleaning him up?”
    The mother-in-law messages back: “Well, obviously the mother!”
    So the woman responds , “OK: your son is drunk and sick everywhere, please hurry.”

    * * * * *




  • I didn't receive payment for a roofing job I did so I went back and took it down.
    My daughter might be upset about her dolls house but lets hope she's learnt a valuable lesson.

    * * * * *


  • My mom claimed that she once knitted a twenty-foot long scarf, but I think it sounds like quite a yarn.

    * * * * *


  • My father would beat me with a bunch of flowers, he used
    violets against me.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my parents if I was adopted,
    they said yes but they sent you back.

    * * * * *


  • These pills must be my mother's sister’s
    ...they're Auntie Biotics !

    * * * * *


  • My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today.
    I learned a lot.
    For example, apparently I have two kids.

    * * * * *


  • My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my mother why I’m such a fast sprinter, she said it runs in the family.

    * * * * *


  • I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I'm still looking for ideas.

    * * * * *


  • My uncle has died and apparently left me a large property. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall is ?

    * * * * *


  • My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.
    He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

    * * * * *


  • My wife asked if our kids were spoiled. I said, “ I think most kids smell that way. “

    * * * * *


  • Being in quarantine with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.

    * * * * *


  • My mother's sister is with child. Is she expectaunt or pregnaunt?

    * * * * *


  • Most of my family are police marksman, so it was a surprise my brother became a armed robber, at least he died surrounded by his family...

    * * * * *


  • How do you help your female sibling?
    A sister.

    * * * * *


  • Having children is like having hobos in your home.
    "Can I have a dollar?!?"
    "I only have one shoe!!"

    * * * * *


  • So a man goes up to his son and says, "Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?"
    Son: "No problem dad, just leave everything to me".

    * * * * *


  • Bought my son a giant rechargable lightbulb for his birthday....
    When he opened it you should have seen his little face light up .

    * * * * *


  • What Superpower do you get when you become a parent?
    Supervision.

    * * * * *


  • Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

    * * * * *


  • Told my family that I am in a relation with a married woman. Kids are ok with it, wife is ok with it and everyone is happy.

    * * * * *


  • My young niece has started dressing like a crescent moon all the time, but we think it’s just a phase.

    * * * * *


  • I told my daughter she was giving me a headache. She replied: For complaints and suggestions, contact the manufacturer!

    * * * * *


  • My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

    * * * * *


  • My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

    And they’re off!

    * * * * *


  • My brothers inability to find a parking space is really starting to effect him.
    Poor guy, he's going through a Lot right now.

    * * * * *


  • What did you call your son studying Law at the university??

    My 'Son in law'

    * * * * *


  • My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my three brothers...

    * * * * *


  • My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
    My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

    * * * * *


  • I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
    He always refers to me as the 'Sun He Never Had'.

    * * * * *


  • My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child.

    Now he’s a great grandfather.

    * * * * *


  • We were arguing about the calculator again, its been causing division in our family.

    * * * * *


More jokes about family, parents and children on the following pages...