150+ Jokes about family, parents and children 😎!



The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

- Random starter family groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

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  • A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off." Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane." The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

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  • Wife: You're too childish !! I am sorry but I am leaving!!
    Husband: Good luck, the floor is lava!

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  • I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

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  • My nephew asked me to explain women to him.

    I gave him a Rubik's Cube with one side missing.

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  • My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I am an ICE-CUBE.

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  • My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

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  • Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.

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  • I heard my son say his first words to me today...
    Where have you been in the past 20 years?

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  • My Grandma was 80% Irish

    People called her Iris.

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  • Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake.

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  • My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
    I’d never seen him be 4.

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  • Live every day like it's your last.

    Always leave your family upset and in tears.

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  • My son told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. -Guess you're not very good at it.

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  • Me: Go to bed. It's 9 o'clock.
    Kids: But its vacation!
    Me: It's my vacation, too. Go to bed.

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  • God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

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  • Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

    I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

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  • Dad: As I get older, I realize I hate taking the kids to the playground. There so much screaming and yelling.

    Mom: Kids do love screaming.

    Dad: I’m talking about me!

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  • Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.

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  • Ninety percent of visiting my relatives on holidays is just moving my car because I’m blocking someone who needs out.

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  • I'm jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

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  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

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  • My grand-daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas. I went to our local pet shop and they were charging $70.
    Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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  • If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

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  • When my son was born, I knew that I would love him forever, with a slight break between 12 and 21.

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  • I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

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  • The way you make a family is not family-friendly.

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  • I'm planning my family holiday get-togethers, what wine pairs well with vigorous eye-rolling?

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  • I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
    I'm very much the 'Sun He Never Had'.

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  • Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
    A: A Sister-In-Law

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  • I would be such an amazing, patient mother if it weren't for all these kids.

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  • As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

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  • My nephew asked me to explain women to him.

    I gave him a Rubik's Cube with one side missing.

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  • I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!

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  • One of my sons is a red head. He works at a bakery making buns, rolls, and breads. When people ask him what he does, he replies, “I’m a gingerbread man.”

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  • Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
    Me: She will usually tell you.

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  • Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

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  • My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

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  • My true power as a mother comes from being the household candy dealer.

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  • We didn't notice my brother was a helium addict until one day when we went to his house and he was stuck to the ceiling.
    That's when we realised he'd let himself go.

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  • I'm the Prince of Darkness in the sense I turn out all the lights my kids leave on

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  • My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
    Turns out I’m adopted.

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  • Just found out that one of my twins has the other listed in his phone contacts as Spare Parts.

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  • Familiarity breeds children.

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  • I have asked my kids millions of times not to exaggerate!

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  • My daughter treats me like a god, she doesn't think i exist until she wants something.

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  • You can't buy happiness, but you can pay a babysitter which is essentially the same thing.

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  • Once I told my son, "You need to learn patience,
    and you need to learn it right now!"

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  • mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

    me: w
    h
    a
    a
    a
    a
    t

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  • Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

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  • Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

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  • The Doctor told me if I had a
    vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
    So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

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  • The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
    The poor child must of had grape expectations.

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  • By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

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  • So when I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

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  • Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

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  • “Dad, I failed my test.”
    “Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
    “How do you know?”
    “Because I’m your mom.”

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  • Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

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  • My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

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  • My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

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  • Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!
    Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

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  • The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

    * * * * *


  • I know how it is going to end.

    One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

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  • When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.

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  • Before I got married I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories!

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  • My son tied his first rope today.
    Looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."

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  • Son: Why do you call Dad 'Slinky'?
    Mom: Well, he's not good for much but I can't help but smile when he falls down the stairs.

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  • I grew up with 6 sisters. That's how I learned to dance...waiting for the bathroom.

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  • When you are no longer covered by your parents health insurance, it means that your manufacturer’s warranty has expired.

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  • Woman sends a SMS asking her mother-in-law: “If a child is sick all over himself and his bed, who is responsible for cleaning him up?”
    The mother-in-law messages back: “Well, obviously the mother!”
    So the woman responds , “OK: your son is drunk and sick everywhere, please hurry.”

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More jokes about family, parents and children on the following pages...