Collection of German Jokes.



I've just read a great book "Driving fast in Germany" by Otto Bahn.

- TOP German joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
    He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

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  • There's a German guy that claims to have the world's longest name but I kinda doubt it because I have a friend who's name is Myles Long.

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  • I went into a McDonald’s in Berlin and asked for 9 chicken nuggets …… they gave me an empty box !!!

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  • I met a German Olympic Athlete and asked him “Are you a pole vaulter?”
    He said, "No, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

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  • A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious dog.
    Upon getting back up onto the bridge, he checked my puppy out and said,
    “Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine.”
    Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked,
    "Are you a vet?"
    He replied,
    "VET? I'M F’ING SOAKED!"

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  • My german friend didn't realise she was pregnant until she actually gave birth.
    That was a kinder surprise.

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  • What does the Autobahn have in common with the alphabet?
    There's always a VW behind U.

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  • Your daughter is getting you cologne for your birthday.
    That's great. I've always wanted to see Germany.

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  • My German cat is finally dead, it definitely now has nein lives.

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  • Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone.

    Now I'm completly Hans free !!!

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  • Puns about sausage are the wurst!

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  • I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

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  • A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
    'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
    'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
    '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
    'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
    She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
    'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
    She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
    The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
    'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

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  • How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    One.

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  • I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
    He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
    I said “Are you a vet?”
    He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

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  • What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in Germany?

    He got autobahned.

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  • @ McDonalds in Germany I ordered Nine McNuggets, they sold me an empty box.

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  • A German shepherd is also a type of human.

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  • My grandfather was responsible for downing 29 german planes in WWII. To date, he still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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  • I hate sausages. They’re the wurst.

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  • I asked a German what the square root of 81 was. He just keeps telling me "no" for some reason.

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  • My grandfather destroyed 30 German planes during World War II.

    He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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  • The captain contacts the German Coastguard and says: "Mayday, mayday, this is the UK69 and we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking."
    The German coastguard replies: "Vot are you sinking about?"

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More German jokes on the following pages...