300+ Health & Doctors Jokes Collection that will make your day !



"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

- Random starter doctor groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
    Most strippers have little or no coverage.

    * * * * *


  • The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
    against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
    The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
    The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
    The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

    * * * * *


  • My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

    Can’t say I’m surprised.

    * * * * *


  • I took viagra to help with my sunburn.
    It doesn't cure it or anything, but it keeps the blankets off my legs when I'm sleeping!

    * * * * *


  • During a medical examination my doctor said mercury is in uranus right now. I said I'm not into that astrology stuff. He said nor am I. My thermometer just broke.

    * * * * *



  • Knock! Knock!

    Coronavirus: Who’s there?

    Vaccine : It’s me.

    Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!

    * * * * *


  • Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

    Me: Yes. I hate fish

    D: No. That’s herring

    Me: What?

    * * * * *


  • I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.

    * * * * *


  • DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
    ME: 3 times
    DOCTOR: A week? A month?
    ME: I have given my answer.

    * * * * *


  • Be kind to Dentists. They too have Fillings.

    * * * * *


  • So excited I got a raise today, it was in medication dosage but a win is a win.

    * * * * *


  • Doctor, looking at my X-rays, “I was afraid of that.
    Me: “What?”
    Doctor: “Skeletons”

    * * * * *


  • Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I wish I could have seen like this last year...

    He said 2020 vision is hind sight.

    * * * * *


  • Covid turns everything upside down. If you test positive, that's a negative. If you test negative, that's a positive!

    * * * * *


  • I don't understand the Covid variant names.
    It's all Greek to me.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my Urologist to show me his credentials.
    He presented his PPHD.

    * * * * *


  • To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
    Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

    * * * * *


  • Most people think the worst thing about a cold is the persistent cough…but it’s snot…

    * * * * *


  • I went to the optometrist to get my eyeglasses repaired.
    “You have a screw loose,” she said.
    “I know. But can you fix my glasses?”

    * * * * *


  • When your doctor ends your appointment with, "well... good luck", you KNOW your health is bad.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my Doctor what I should do about my poor memory.
    He said: Just forget about it.

    * * * * *


  • During a medical examination my doctor said mercury is in uranus right now. I said I'm not into that astrology stuff. He said nor am I. My thermometer just broke.

    * * * * *


  • Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
    She was breathtaking.

    * * * * *


  • If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..

    ..mixed fillings??

    * * * * *


  • DR: Are you drinking enough fluids?
    ME: That's literally all I drink.

    * * * * *


  • Nurse: How do you rate your pain?
    Me: Zero stars. Would not recommend.

    * * * * *


  • "I feel terrible. I think I've got fly."
    "Don't you mean flu?"
    "No, because I've still got it".

    * * * * *


  • You know you've reached MIDDLE AGE when who tells you to SLOW DOWN is your doctor and not a cop!

    * * * * *


  • Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

    * * * * *


  • When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

    It was music to my arse!

    * * * * *


  • Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

    * * * * *


  • Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

    I need help. Get me a doctor.

    * * * * *


  • I got thrown out of the theatre last night for eating crisps.

    I’m now banned from all future operations.

    * * * * *


  • Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

    * * * * *


  • I just watched a drama about a surgeon who dropped a tool into a patient's stomach.
    It was gut wrenching.

    * * * * *


  • I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
    Unfortunately I can't go.

    * * * * *


  • Long line at my Urologist Dr's Office ,I'm pissed.

    * * * * *


  • I went to see Dr Hook last week.
    It was the worst prostate exam I've ever had.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

    * * * * *


  • They said I would get my leg cast off today, but they were just pulling my leg.

    * * * * *


  • I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that everytime I cough I hear words like Knight Bishop pawn and queen .
    He said I had a chess infection.

    * * * * *


  • I went to the dentist to get a crown made. I hope I made a good impression.

    * * * * *


  • Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

    * * * * *


  • A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... unless that medicine is insulin.

    * * * * *


  • I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn’t make rash promises.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.
    I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me...

    * * * * *


  • Patient: Doctor I think i have 5 legs.… Doctor: Oh my!…how do your pants fit? Patient: like a glove…

    * * * * *


  • I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

    * * * * *


  • What is the difference between God and a doctor????? God does not think he is a doctor.

    * * * * *


  • Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

    * * * * *


  • Why did the house go to the doctor?
    It was having window panes and a case of the shingles.

    * * * * *


  • I just rang the Incontinence Hotline.
    The woman said, “Can you hold, please?”

    * * * * *


  • I'd like a choice when I have jaw surgery so I asked my doc, "What are my op chins?"

    * * * * *


  • At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

    * * * * *


  • When I had my first eye test, the optician selected a pair of lenses, slipped them in and asked, "how is that?". I replied, "not bad, but I was hoping for more a bit more stylish frames".

    * * * * *


  • The American Dental Association advises against brushing teeth with your left hand.
    They say a tooth brush works much better.

    * * * * *


  • I told my doctor I was having trouble with my balance. He said he didn’t care and that I’d better find a way to pay him.

    * * * * *


  • Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.

    * * * * *


  • It hurts me to say this, but...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I have a sore throat.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve started eating more honey ever since my doctor said I need more bee vitamins, but it isn’t helping.

    * * * * *


  • I recently discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat.

    * * * * *


  • If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have...(puts on sunglasses)😎...
    ..mixed fillings??

    * * * * *


  • What kind of doctor specializes in adam’s apples?
    A guyneckologist.

    * * * * *


  • At a routine check-up recently, I asked the nurse on a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need lab work? She said urinate.

    * * * * *


  • ‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
    “Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”

    * * * * *


  • Yesterday my doctor told me my sugars were too high. So, I went home and moved it to a lower shelf!!!

    * * * * *


  • My brain surgeon botched the operation. I tried giving him a piece of my mind, but it turns out he already had one.

    * * * * *


  • I've got no faith in my doctor,
    All his patients are ill.

    * * * * *


  • I rang the doctors’ surgery:

    Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor?

    Receptionist: Which doctor?

    Me: No, a medical one please.

    * * * * *


  • Dentist: "You need a crown."
    -
    Me: "Finally someone who understands!"

    * * * * *



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