300+ Health & Doctors Jokes Collection that will make your day !



Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

- TOP med joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

    It was music to my arse!

    * * * * *


  • Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

    * * * * *


  • Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

    I need help. Get me a doctor.

    * * * * *


  • I got thrown out of the theatre last night for eating crisps.

    I’m now banned from all future operations.

    * * * * *


  • Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

    * * * * *


  • I just watched a drama about a surgeon who dropped a tool into a patient's stomach.
    It was gut wrenching.

    * * * * *


  • I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
    Unfortunately I can't go.

    * * * * *


  • Long line at my Urologist Dr's Office ,I'm pissed.

    * * * * *


  • I went to see Dr Hook last week.
    It was the worst prostate exam I've ever had.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

    * * * * *


  • They said I would get my leg cast off today, but they were just pulling my leg.

    * * * * *


  • I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that everytime I cough I hear words like Knight Bishop pawn and queen .
    He said I had a chess infection.

    * * * * *


  • I went to the dentist to get a crown made. I hope I made a good impression.

    * * * * *


  • Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

    * * * * *


  • A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... unless that medicine is insulin.

    * * * * *


  • I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn’t make rash promises.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.
    I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me...

    * * * * *


  • Patient: Doctor I think i have 5 legs.… Doctor: Oh my!…how do your pants fit? Patient: like a glove…

    * * * * *


  • I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

    * * * * *


  • What is the difference between God and a doctor????? God does not think he is a doctor.

    * * * * *


  • Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

    * * * * *


  • Why did the house go to the doctor?
    It was having window panes and a case of the shingles.

    * * * * *


  • I just rang the Incontinence Hotline.
    The woman said, “Can you hold, please?”

    * * * * *


  • I'd like a choice when I have jaw surgery so I asked my doc, "What are my op chins?"

    * * * * *


  • At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

    * * * * *


  • When I had my first eye test, the optician selected a pair of lenses, slipped them in and asked, "how is that?". I replied, "not bad, but I was hoping for more a bit more stylish frames".

    * * * * *


  • The American Dental Association advises against brushing teeth with your left hand.
    They say a tooth brush works much better.

    * * * * *


  • I told my doctor I was having trouble with my balance. He said he didn’t care and that I’d better find a way to pay him.

    * * * * *


  • Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.

    * * * * *


  • It hurts me to say this, but...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I have a sore throat.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve started eating more honey ever since my doctor said I need more bee vitamins, but it isn’t helping.

    * * * * *


  • I recently discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat.

    * * * * *


  • If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have...(puts on sunglasses)😎...
    ..mixed fillings??

    * * * * *


  • What kind of doctor specializes in adam’s apples?
    A guyneckologist.

    * * * * *


  • At a routine check-up recently, I asked the nurse on a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need lab work? She said urinate.

    * * * * *


  • ‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
    “Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”

    * * * * *


  • Yesterday my doctor told me my sugars were too high. So, I went home and moved it to a lower shelf!!!

    * * * * *


  • My brain surgeon botched the operation. I tried giving him a piece of my mind, but it turns out he already had one.

    * * * * *


  • I've got no faith in my doctor,
    All his patients are ill.

    * * * * *


  • I rang the doctors’ surgery:

    Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor?

    Receptionist: Which doctor?

    Me: No, a medical one please.

    * * * * *


  • Dentist: "You need a crown."
    -
    Me: "Finally someone who understands!"

    * * * * *


  • Man goes to the doctor with part tyre marks across his chest .
    Doctor asks "Whats the problem ?"
    Man says "I'm feeling a bit run down"

    * * * * *


  • I went to the doctor and said, I keep thinking I'm Moses. He said, ill give you tablets for that.

    * * * * *


  • I said to the doctor, the older I get, the more I spread gossip. He said, that's rumourtism.

    * * * * *


  • Before injections I calm myself by saying "You can do this". Sometimes it makes my patients more nervous.

    * * * * *


  • I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

    I don't know why, but I get a kick out of it...

    * * * * *


  • When I Get A Headache. I Take 2 Aspirin And Stay Away from The Children.... That's what It Says On The Packet..

    * * * * *


  • When a Pharmacist gets sick,
    does the Doctor give him a taste of his own Medicine?

    * * * * *


  • I was trying to describe to my doctor a pain I was having. He asked me what I’d liken it to. I told him I’d liken it to stop.

    * * * * *


  • My parents took me to the doctor because I was always asking questions. The doctor told them I’d inherited the Why Chromosome.

    * * * * *


  • Went to the doctors. I said to the receptionist. 'I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me'. 'Which doctor?' she asked. 'Yes, he will do.' I answered.

    * * * * *


  • A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
    ‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
    ‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’

    * * * * *


  • Guy went to the doctors, telling him that he had a problem with his feet. He said me big toe is where my little toe is a the little toe is where the big toe is.
    Doctor had a look and said it was the worst case of myxomatosis he had seen...

    * * * * *


  • Paradox - two physicians.

    * * * * *


  • Social Anxiety Disorder
    is just S.A.D. if you think about it.

    * * * * *


More Health & Doctors jokes on the following pages...