70+ Jokes about lawers, judges and court.



If you can't get a lawyer that knows the law, at least get one that knows the judge!

- TOP lawyers joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • Talk is cheap, unless you are talking to a lawyer.

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  • Did you know that 99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

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  • There was a young attorney named Justin Case. Just in case you didn't know the first case he tried was prosecuting a man that stole a suitcase.

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  • Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes".
    Man: "I wish for a world without lawyers".
    Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes".
    Man: "But you said 3".
    Genie: "Sue me!"

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  • A will is a dead giveaway!

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  • A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
    Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
    Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
    Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
    Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
    Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
    Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
    Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
    Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
    Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
    Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
    Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
    Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
    Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
    Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
    Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
    Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
    Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
    Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”

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  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

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  • Appearing in court today was a thief who stole a lorry load of elastic bands. The judge sent him down for a long stretch.

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  • boss: you’re fired

    me: just because I ended that story with “and they all lived happily ever after”?!

    boss: like I told you before, they’re not stories, they’re wills

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  • I alcoholic uncle never became a lawyer because he could never pass the bar.

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  • I wonder if lawyers for Hershey's have to take a bar exam?

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  • Do U2's lawyers work pro bono ?

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  • What did the judge say to the dentist?
    Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

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  • My lawyer friend quit his job to work in a restaurant. Now he's a sue chef.

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  • Q: Why can't you prosecute someone for stealing 23 cans of beer?
    A: You won't have a case.

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  • Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it.

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  • I’m a doctor and getting annoyed because I’ve gotta share my office with a High Court judge. She’s trying my patients.

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  • In a local trial, an ophthalmologist was called to testify because she was the only eyewitness.

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  • Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
    Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

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  • What do judges wear?
    Lawsuits.

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  • Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
    Defendant: “That’s what we were doing when the police interfered.”

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  • Judge said keep an eye on these two. They are the famous Wright brothers. They are a flight risk.

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  • I went to court today, The judge asked,
    "Have you ever been up before me?"
    I said "Not sure, what time do you get up?"

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  • What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
    A father-in-law.

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  • How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

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  • Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase.

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  • If a deaf person is summoned to court is it still called a hearing?

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  • "Dad, what's the difference between a Barrister and a Barista?"
    "About £900 an hour son".

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  • A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

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  • What did the judge say to the dentist?

    I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

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  • A guy asked a girl in a university library:
    "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
    The girl replied with a loud voice:
    "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
    All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
    "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
    The guy then responded with a loud voice:
    “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
    whispered in her ear:
    "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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  • Had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

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  • I appeared in court this morning.

    The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.

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  • What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

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  • Justice is a dish best served cold.
    If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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  • Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

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  • Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present."
    Police: "But you are the lawyer"
    Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"

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  • After grandpa died, I found out I’d only get my inheritance if I got below 200 lbs. I guess where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

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  • They say "if there's a will there's a way", but I say if there's a will there are relatives you never knew you had....

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  • A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he
    needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

    The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s
    heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000
    dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for $100,000 dollars."

    The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much
    more expensive than the others?" "

    Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot
    of lawyers to find a heart."

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  • Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
    A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

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  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
    A: The pronunciation.

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  • Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
    A: Taller.

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  • Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
    A: His partners.

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  • Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
    A: Senator.

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  • Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
    A: Not enough cement.

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  • Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
    A: They're both extinct.

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  • Q: What are lawyers good for?
    A: They make used car salesmen look good.

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  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

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  • Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
    A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

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  • Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
    A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

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  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
    A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

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  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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  • Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
    A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

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More Jokes about lawers, judges and court on the following pages...