30+ masturbation, wanking and hand relief jokes.



Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

- TOP wanking joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • The religious right wants to ban masturbation in America . But even if they get their way, Americans will still take the law into their own hands !

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  • Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
    A: A tearjerker.

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  • Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
    A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

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  • Do you masturbate with your left hand, cause it doesn't feel right ?

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  • A man walked into his sons bedroom and caught him playing with himself.So he said to him ' Son, my Mom always told me that it sends you blind if you keep doing that'

    He said 'Dad, I'm over here!'

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  • Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.
    From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

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  • 3 men in a cafe, furiously wanking.
    Waitress comes over and says "What the hell are you doing"?.
    One of them points to a sign which reads-
    -
    FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED !

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  • Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship.
    No idea where I came.

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  • The first rule of Wank Club is, never shake hands with another member of Wank Club.

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  • My mum walked in my room & said

    "You'll go blind if you do that"

    I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse.

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  • I went to see a palm reader and she took my hand and said, "I see that you masturbate."

    "Sorry," I said, "I probably should have wiped that off."

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  • It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.

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  • In my day a selfie was, what you did when your wife wasn't in the mood.

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  • My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

    I had nothing to play with.....

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  • Stevie Wonder -7 kids
    David Blunkett - 5 kids
    Ray Charles - 12 kids

    I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

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  • When I was young I went to a palm reader. She looked at my hand and said: You have been masturbating.

    I said: Hey you are good. Can you tell me anything about my future?

    She looked at my face and said: You will be masturbating for a long time.

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  • New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

    It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

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  • When I found out that men get paid £60 every time they donate their sperm, it made me angry to think about all that money I've let slip through my fingers.

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  • A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.
    'Well son, time for bed now' the father says
    'But Dad, I'm 15 now' the son complains
    The father replies 'I don't care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate'

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  • Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.

    In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

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  • Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days.. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section.

    Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier!

    I just open up my browser and go to www.littlewoods.com

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  • I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...

    I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

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  • Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
    Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

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  • What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he’s masturbating? – His ears.

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  • What do lezbians do when they have a problem ?
    They finger it out.

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  • What do you call a masturbating cow?

    Beef stroganoff.

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  • Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired”

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  • Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
    A: So she can moan with the other.

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  • So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

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  • If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand ?

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