100+ Old folks and aged people jokes to make you burst with laughter.



Am i old ? Well , i can remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit poorly .

- Random starter oldies groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • I always knew I'd get old.
    How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

    * * * * *


  • The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

    That was some sound advice.

    * * * * *


  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

    * * * * *


  • An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
    The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
    'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
    The old man answered:
    — 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
    Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
    Doctor:
    — 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
    — 'My father died ...?
    Who told you that he died???’
    Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
    — 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
    Doctor:
    —‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
    So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
    —‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
    Doctor (puzzled):
    —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
    What is his age .....? '
    — 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
    —‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
    Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
    because He is getting married today.’
    Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
    —‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
    — 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
    — 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
    — 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
    The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
    The clinic is closed.

    * * * * *


  • Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

    * * * * *



  • "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

    * * * * *


  • Age is just a number… of body parts with aches.

    * * * * *


  • The older I get, the more I understand pandas.

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  • How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

    * * * * *


  • As Transformers get old, they first turn into golf carts and then motorized adult scooters.

    * * * * *


  • So, I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

    It's one small step for nan.

    * * * * *


  • The best part about being old af is being able to say fuck off, I’m old af.

    * * * * *


  • You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...
    ...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.

    * * * * *


  • Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

    * * * * *


  • You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

    * * * * *


  • It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year.

    * * * * *


  • Getting older is cool bc you not only detect bullshit quicker, but you also lose all tolerance for it.

    * * * * *


  • 20: I wish I had more money

    40: I wish I had more time

    60: I wish y’all would be quiet

    * * * * *


  • Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit.

    * * * * *


  • I always knew I'd get old.
    How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

    * * * * *


  • I hate it when I see an old person, then realize that we went to high school together.

    * * * * *


  • They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. The older I get, the more
    9 PM is the new
    midnight.

    * * * * *


  • The older I get the more I think "Grumpy Old Men" should've just been called "Men."

    * * * * *


  • People don't lose their ability to distinguish what's cool and what's embarrassing as they age. They lose the ability to give a sh*t.

    * * * * *


  • My new jacket is reversible, as it turns out...

    * * * * *


  • Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

    * * * * *


  • Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

    * * * * *


  • I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

    * * * * *


  • I never seem to see the old lady next door any more which is a shame as I wanted to tell her how good her milk bottle collection is.

    * * * * *


  • How do you know you’ve reached middle age? It's when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police!!!

    * * * * *


  • TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
    #1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
    #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
    #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
    you off.
    #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
    that needs work.
    #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
    down. I'll remember it.”
    #6 - “On time” is when you get there.
    #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
    #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
    ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
    #9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
    #10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
    #11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
    #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
    . . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
    house.

    * * * * *


  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

    * * * * *


  • I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number 67, so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

    * * * * *


  • You know that you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

    * * * * *


  • BIRTH CONTROL WHEN YOU GET OLDER - Nowadays I'm so 'out of shape' that my birth control is just to leave the lights on...

    * * * * *


  • You know you're getting old...
    when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

    * * * * *


  • You don’t actually feel grown when you become an adult, you just feel like an older teenager.

    * * * * *


  • I thought growing old would take longer.

    * * * * *


  • Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about 'the good old days.'
    Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, 'Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?'
    Grandpa looked over at her, smiled, and obligingly took her hand in his. With a wry little smile,
    Grandma pressed a little farther, 'Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kissed me on the cheek?'
    Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a cute peck on the cheek.
    Growing bolder still, Grandma said, 'Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?'
    Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
    Confused, Grandma said, 'Honey, where are you going?'
    Grandpa replied, 'To get my teeth!'

    * * * * *


  • LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

    * * * * *


  • My kids said "Dad can we go and see the bearded lady at the circus today?"I replied "I've told you before, Call her grandma and she's in an old peoples home.!!!

    * * * * *


  • What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies?
    Your grandmother.

    * * * * *


  • Now I'm getting older, I can't enjoy alphabet spaghetti without my reading glasses.

    * * * * *


  • Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I'm 73.

    * * * * *


  • To help her husband lose weight she stopped him eating between meals ,
    She hid his false teeth.

    * * * * *


  • Am i old ? Well , i can remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit poorly .

    * * * * *


  • An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

    * * * * *


  • If there's one thing gets me Down it's getting Up!

    * * * * *


  • What do you call it when a bunch of old men clap?

    Menapplause...

    * * * * *


  • A frog jumped on my lap.
    It said,kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!
    I started to put it in my pocket, it said to me. What are you doing?
    I responded, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog!

    * * * * *


  • I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
    It's one small step for nan...

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?

    It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

    * * * * *


  • You know you're getting old when you watch a porn film & think, that bed looks really comfortable!

    * * * * *


  • I know people my age climb mountains without falling off,
    But my daily challenge is to climb into my underpants without falling over...

    * * * * *


  • I hate it when I see an old person and then realise we were at the same school together.

    * * * * *


  • I just realized that I haven't done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

    * * * * *


  • An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
    -Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
    -Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
    -Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

    * * * * *


  • What do you call it when a old person rings a doorbell?
    Boomerang.

    * * * * *


  • The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

    That was some sound advice.

    * * * * *


  • Old shoppers never die.
    They just sale away.

    * * * * *


  • An Older Man had met a Younger Woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would Orgasm during Sex.

    A caring Man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his New Lover, so he called his Doctor for advice...???

    The Doc told him that masturbating before Sex, often helped Men last longer during the Act. The Man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

    He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it..??

    He couldn't do it in his Office. He thought about the Toilets or Restroom, but that was too open.

    He considered an Alleyway, but figured that was too Unsafe.

    Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his Truck over on the side of the Highway.

    He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the Truck..??

    Satisfied with the Privacy, he undid his Pants and started to Masturbate.

    He Closed his Eyes and thought of his Lover.

    As he grew closer to Orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his Pants.

    Not wanting to lose his Mental Fantasy or the Orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT"..?!?!? In a stern voice.

    He heard, "This is the Police. What the Hell are you Doing"..???

    The Man replied, "I'm checking out the Rear Axle, it's Noisy, could be Busted."

    The Cop says,

    *

    "Well, you better check your Brakes too, because your Truck rolled away, down the Hill, 5 minutes ago.😂

    * * * * *


  • I’m so old ...
    I’ve stopped buying green bananas.

    * * * * *


  • My grandpa is an organ donor.

    He donated his old piano.

    * * * * *


  • Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

    * * * * *


  • At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?
    It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

    * * * * *


  • Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . . 1 be old. 2 sit in a chair.

    * * * * *


  • "My Grandpa recently lost his Mouth Organ"
    "His Harmonica?"
    "No, his Tongue. But he doesn't like to talk about it"

    * * * * *


  • Two old guys chatting about sleeping.
    First guy: I am having trouble sleeping every single night.

    Second guy: I sleep like a baby, I wake up in the morning, no hair, no teeth and I have fucking shit myself again.

    * * * * *


  • Shout out to my grandpa, that's the only way he can hear.

    * * * * *



More Jokes about old and aged folks on the following pages...