250+ Brilliant Oneliners Collection that will make your day !



I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

- TOP onliner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem.

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  • I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

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  • Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

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  • An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.

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  • Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

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  • There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

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  • Catapults are just angry spoons.

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  • People can't use you if you're useless.

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  • I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.

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  • To be a good archer you need to know the arrow dynamics.

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  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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  • One bone says to another, "how did we end up meeting in a joint like this?"

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  • There's a hole in my sock. Darn it!!

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  • Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

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  • Plumbers who install instantaneous hot water heaters have tankless jobs.

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  • They never use to pay Sir Lancelot, he was a free lancer.

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  • I just put a stick in a non-stick pan, nothing happened.

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  • At the end of the day we are all human beans and together we will rice.

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  • I once slammed my finger in part of a book. The Index.

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  • I saw the world's largest egg this week. That will take some beating.

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  • A baker got fired because he kept on loafing!

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  • I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

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  • Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on..

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  • Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

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  • I think we should leave the status quo as it is.

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  • Local janitors have gone out on strike. They are demanding sweeping reforms.

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  • I know a dressmaker and she always seams stressed.

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  • Refrigerators are cool.

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  • I work at a pizza shop, its my only sauce of income.

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  • I’d make a swear jar but I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

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  • Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it's only Thursday.

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  • All shoes are technically buy one get one free.

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  • I just met Earl Grey. He’s not my cup of tea.

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  • I've just had a vasectomy, i kid you not.

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  • Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.

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  • If there was an award for the most skeptic person, the most skeptic person might not accept the award.

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  • REMEMBER that today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday...

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  • A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

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  • I was gonna spend today procrastinating, but I think I'll put it off til tomorrow.

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  • I was delighted to come home and realize all my lamps had been stolen.

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  • Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

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  • I have a lamp for sale. Lightly used.

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  • Not going to lie....My bed is broken.

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  • Local dive shop has been closed for a few weeks now. I'm worried they've gone under.

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  • Barbers. I take my hat off to them.

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  • I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

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  • Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

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  • “I had to stop being a tap dancer. I kept falling into the sink.”

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  • I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

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  • To whoever stole my doormat, you’re no longer welcome here.

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  • ... I was upset with my wall climbing abilities, I just couldn't seem to get a grip.

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  • I really like the word 'frequently'. I try and use it as often as I can.

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  • I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.

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  • I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

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  • I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

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