250+ Brilliant Oneliners Collection that will make your day !



If you must insist on sending me pics of your boobs,
please at least be fucking female.

- Random starter one liner groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.

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  • if my EX was a COOKIE, she would be a whoreo.

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  • Anything not about elephants is irrelephant.

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  • A fool with a tool is still a fool... but with a tool!

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  • I finally caught the person at work who has been stealing my beetroot... caught him red handed.

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  • I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub.

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  • Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

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  • I know a massage therapist that kneads new customers.

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  • All carpenters matter. Send unsolicited deck pics.

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  • Bestow upon me your most bestowable bestowings.

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  • There is always tomorrow, but not for everyone.

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  • Saying -nevermind- because you're too lazy to repeat yourself.

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  • January - a giant Monday.

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  • People aren't getting dumber. Dumb people are getting louder.

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  • I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

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  • No one is too busy, it's only a matter of priorities.

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  • Perfume is short for “pay per fume,” that’s why that shit is so expensive.

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  • Dragon milk comes from cows with short legs.

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  • I've been social distancing before it was a thing.

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  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

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  • You’d think anti aging creams would use bigger fonts.

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  • New year same me because I’m perfect.

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  • I hate when people think they know more than me… and then they do.

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  • Heaven is for those who wanna die.

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  • I just wish my metabolism ran as fast as my anxiety.

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  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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  • I bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over, still can't fly.

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  • The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

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  • Of all the lies I tell, -I was joking!- is my personal favorite.

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  • I was about to cancel my New Year’s Eve plans when I remembered that I didn’t have any.

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  • I have a very sensitive dentist. He's really in touch with his fillings.

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  • Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

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  • I don't believe in chain letters, but I will occasionally send a link.

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  • Locks just turn doors into walls.

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  • My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

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  • My occasional good idea is mostly just a bad idea waiting to be revealed.

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  • if you like water, you already like 72% of me.

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  • He claimed to be a upholsterer, but that claim was found to be fabricated.

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  • I tried horse racing, but man, they were just too fast for me.

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  • I realized today that a shoe is a foot's sole mate.

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  • I only need to live long enough to win one Darwin Award.

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  • I talk to myself because I agree with the feedback.

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  • Real is more attractive than perfect.

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  • "It takes a planet to explore the universe."

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  • An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

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  • Sloth isn't such a bad sin. It prevents me from committing the other six.

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  • If you're always right, something's wrong.

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  • I won the wooden spoon in a recent soup making competition which caused a bit of a stir.

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  • I'd like to give a whisper out to librarians everywhere.

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  • If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.

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  • What does a magician penguin say? "Pick a cod, any cod..."

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  • I'm just saying people who collect magazines have a lot of issues, that's all.

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  • I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

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  • EXHAUSTIPATED - Adjective, for when one is too tired to give a shit.

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  • You can always win an argument if you push them down the stairs.

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  • I was going to submit myself to an intestine transplant, but I didn’t have the guts to do it.

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  • I'm always funny, except when I'm not.

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  • I was born in 1958. That's the room right next to 1957.

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  • You only like the pen-clicking noise when you are the one making it.

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  • I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

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  • Good luck sending me mixed signals, I dont even understand the direct ones.

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  • Being an adult means having to schedule specific times to cry.

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  • I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

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  • Welcome to adulthood. Just getting out of bed is parkour now.

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  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

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  • Etch A Sketches are remarkable.

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  • Welcome to your fifties, you’re really good at multitasking now but you no longer want to.

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  • We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.

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  • Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

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  • A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

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  • Alcohol is a solution, just not to your problems...

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  • Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

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  • Yesterday I cried for four hours for no reason whatsoever so don't tell me I don't have hobbies.

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  • What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? You look a little pail.

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  • Meditation is just like: Go be bored for 15 minutes. It's good for you.

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  • I like the quiet, but I know how to make noise.

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  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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  • I like school. I just hate the learning part.

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  • Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

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  • If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

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More oneliners on the following pages...