50+ restaurant, cafe and fast food jokes.



Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

- Steve Martin.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • "Waiter, I'd like two pork chops. And make them lean".
    Waiter, "Sure thing. Which way?"

    * * * * *


  • I was in an Indonesian Restaurant last week and I had fried insect legs.
    Absolutely loved them.
    They really were the Bees Knees.

    * * * * *


  • Me: What do you recommend?

    Waiter: Would you like to hear the Chef's Special?

    Me: I'm sure he is, but let's focus on what I'm going to order.

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
    Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."

    * * * * *


  • A man says to a waiter: there’s a button in my salad. The waiter says that’s ok, it’s part of the dressing.

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: How do you want your eggs?
    Me: Poached.
    Waitress: Sir, we only cook the eggs we rightly own.

    * * * * *


  • “Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
    “No sir, it will be round!”

    * * * * *


  • Recently learned I have an eating disorder...when the waitress brings my food I think to myself, "I'm excited to eat dis order."

    * * * * *


  • Give me a word that means serving people in a restaurant ….
    I’ll “wait”.

    * * * * *


  • I told the hostess we need a table for six. She asked if we had reservations. I said no, we definitely want to have dinner here.

    * * * * *


  • If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
    ...conduct themselves??

    * * * * *


  • Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
    Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: How would you like your burger cooked?
    Me: On the grill, with all the others.

    * * * * *


  • So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
    When It came there was no meat just the carcass.
    I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
    "She said: "It's the boney part".

    * * * * *


  • Went to a cannibal restaurant last night ....£50 a head.

    * * * * *


  • So I asked the waitress, “Do you have crab legs?”
    She said “yes”
    I said , “it must be hell finding stockings “

    * * * * *


  • So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
    She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

    * * * * *


  • I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, "Do you want to hear today's special?"
    I said, "Yes please."
    Waiter: "No problem, sir. Today is special."

    * * * * *


  • I’ve decided to open a new restaurant for cannibals.
    Now I need to recruit several Head Chefs...

    * * * * *


  • A waiter just asked"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "I said no, but I'll wrestle you for them."

    * * * * *


  • waiter: your coffee

    me: could I have a little spoon please?

    waiter: certainly *delicately embraces me from behind*

    me: lovely

    * * * * *


  • I dont like my job at the Indian restaraunt, i can't curry on like this anymore.

    * * * * *


  • What does food taste like in Cannibal Restaurants?

    It varies from person to person.

    * * * * *


  • Waiter walks to the table, the customer asks if he's got frogs legs. Waiter reply, no, it's just the way I walk.

    * * * * *


  • Went to a restaurant and asked for the most expensive thing on the menu. Do you know what’s dear? Venison.

    * * * * *


  • Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
    "No sir, it'll be 'round."

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: Hello sir, may I have your order?
    Customer: No, it’s mine.

    * * * * *


  • Went into a restaurant, looked down the menu and said to the waitress "i'll have the Pissoles, please". She said "what". I said "the Pissoles - they're on the menu". She took a squint at the menu and said "oh, that's a typo, it should begin with an "R".

    "OK" I said, I'll have the Arseholes then !!!

    * * * * *


  • A new local restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.

    * * * * *


  • Ive just had a " Pelican pizza " at the local dominos restaurant, it was really tasty, but the fuckin Bill was enormous !!!!

    * * * * *


  • I was in a restaurant last night and i called the waiter over, i said "there's a worm in my pie" , the Waiter said " i think you"ll find that its just fat" , i said " its entitled to be fuckin fat , its eaten all the fuckin meat!!

    * * * * *


  • There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

    * * * * *


  • I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
    downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
    breathing!.
    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
    Then I remembered
    Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

    * * * * *


  • A lion goes into a restaurant and asks to see the menu. After perusing it for a while he says ‘To start with, I’ll have the garlic mushrooms’.
    He then goes back to perusing the menu. To try and hurry him up the waiter says ‘And for the main?’
    ‘Oh, just a comb’ replies the lion.

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: Do you wanna box for that?
    Me: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.

    * * * * *


  • My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

    * * * * *


  • I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
    I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

    * * * * *


  • Customer: “Waiter, taste this soup”.
    Waiter: “Why sir, what’s wrong with it?”
    Customer: “Just taste it will you?”
    Water: “ Sir, if there is something wrong with the soup we will happily replace it for you”.
    Customer: “Look, just taste the bloody soup!”
    Waiter: “OK sir, (pause), um, where’s the spoon?”
    Customer: “Ah Ha”.

    * * * * *


  • So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
    She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

    * * * * *


  • Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

    * * * * *


  • Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex.
    Because it might disturb the people at the other tables.

    * * * * *


  • A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,
    "Sorry about your weight."

    * * * * *


  • What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?
    With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip.

    * * * * *


  • A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.
    "A taxi."

    * * * * *


  • My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.
    They now serve rawomen.

    * * * * *


  • A duck, a skunk & a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.
    When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

    * * * * *


  • A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
    After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

    - Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

    * * * * *


  • A man walks into an elegant restaurant and sits down.
    As he bends down to get his wallet he farts loudly with the waitress right behind her. He sits up shamefully and looks for a way to escape the total embarrassment. So he looks at the waitress and shouts, 'Stop that!'. The waitress replies calmly, 'Sure Mister, which way did it go?'

    * * * * *


  • A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France
    The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

    The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

    The Russian says “What’s a steak

    The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

    * * * * *


  • I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine
    I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

    * * * * *


  • How is a chess player like an Australian who's about to leave a restaurant?
    They're both looking for a checkmate.

    * * * * *


  • I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
    On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

    So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

    And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

    * * * * *


  • Going to a restaurant to eat salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

    * * * * *


  • A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
    The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

    He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
    "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
    The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
    "Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

    * * * * *


  • What do vegans get at a barbecue restaurant?
    Kicked out.

    * * * * *


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