250+ Sick bastards jokes - the craziest ones.



"Do you ever think of me?"
"Yes, but I hate to tell you what."

- Random starter sick groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he's a "hero".

    I do, and I'm "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."

    * * * * *


  • I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

    * * * * *


  • Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
    "Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
    Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
    She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
    She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

    * * * * *


  • I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

    * * * * *


  • I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book...
    Not only is it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps...

    * * * * *



  • I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but... I decided to sit on it for a while.

    * * * * *


  • I had hoped adulthood would have involved more anal probes by aliens and a lot fewer by medical doctors.

    * * * * *


  • It was National no bra day today but i knew it was going to be a flop due to the lack of support.

    * * * * *


  • How do you make a door laugh?

    Tickle its knob.

    * * * * *


  • I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
    Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

    * * * * *


  • You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. These night vision binoculars were worth every penny.

    * * * * *


  • During a home improvement project
    my wife said she thought we should try a 3 way switch.
    Let’s just say there was a misunderstanding.

    * * * * *


  • Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

    * * * * *


  • What is the thing that you keep on looking for, but when you find it, you throw it away?
    A booger.

    * * * * *


  • Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

    * * * * *


  • Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

    Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

    * * * * *


  • Her lips said to stop ogling her body, but that’s not what har ass ment.

    * * * * *


  • Home alone! You know what that means? Porn with volume!

    * * * * *


  • When I dunk my cookies, I think about you.

    And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

    * * * * *


  • I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.

    * * * * *


  • He died doing what he loved, asking a wheelchair user if they have a license for that thing.

    * * * * *


  • I filled out my jury selection acceptance form with green and red crayons...and they just very politely sent me home.

    * * * * *


  • - What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
    - Bus shelters.

    * * * * *


  • I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

    * * * * *


  • Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves.

    Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

    * * * * *


  • "OMG! Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"
    "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

    * * * * *


  • I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

    * * * * *


  • My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

    * * * * *


  • She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

    * * * * *


  • I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

    * * * * *


  • "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...Watch you smile while you're sleeping..."

    Aerosmith = Romantic

    Me = Restraining Order

    * * * * *


  • When my wife and I first started going out, she made me very self conscious about my body odour, she would spray me with perfume when ever I went to kiss her. Not sure which brand it was , but it was very strong and had a peppery smell.

    * * * * *


  • I used to file my nails but then thought whats the use of keeping them.

    * * * * *


  • I took a leek at the Farmer's Market.
    People were pissed.

    * * * * *


  • I’m sick of being single.
    I’m going to a funeral tomorrow!

    * * * * *


  • So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
    I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

    * * * * *


  • I tried to make a song with the cranberries but the lead singer is now a *zombie*.

    * * * * *


  • *Kid in a wheelchair makes a joke*

    Me: 'You should become a stand-up comedian'

    * * * * *


  • "Do you ever think of me?"
    "Yes, but I hate to tell you what."

    * * * * *


  • She told me she felt empty inside, so I got her pregnant.

    * * * * *


  • Who hides in the bathroom at parties?
    The party pooper!

    * * * * *


  • I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book...
    Not only is it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps...

    * * * * *


  • <Girl goes to eye doctor>
    <Doctor comes in>
    Doctor: I have your results here
    Girl: Can I see them?
    Doctor: Probably not...

    * * * * *


  • How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground ?
    Their dogs lead goes slack.

    * * * * *


  • What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

    Jesus loves you!

    * * * * *


  • Old McDonald had napalm EIEI ...oh

    * * * * *


  • There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

    * * * * *


  • Is it wrong that I’ve already figured out in which order I would eat my friends in the event of an apocalypse?

    * * * * *


  • I had a camera inserted internally today.
    It was pretty uncomfortable, but fair play, I was rude to the wedding photographer…

    * * * * *


  • What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
    White vans.

    * * * * *


  • *pulls shirt back down*
    I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.

    * * * * *


  • I finally found out how to make a woman go Mmmmmmmmmmmm all through the night ........................

    I used Duct tape !!

    * * * * *


  • I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

    * * * * *


  • My one -legged daughter was so excited. It was her first day on her new job at I Hop!

    * * * * *


  • I'm posing nude for an art class.
    No one asked me to.
    I think they're making ceramic bowls.

    * * * * *


  • I saw my ex this evening , to make a long story short
    i was arrested .
    Apparently i was only supposed to
    I D the body not fuck it.

    * * * * *


  • I told my friend how I found a woman tied to railway lines, i untied her and made love to her all day, my friend asked if I got a blow job, no I told him, I couldn’t find the head...

    * * * * *


  • What's white, yellow, green, yellow, white?
    Answer: A buttered frog sandwich.

    * * * * *


  • Prince Philip is at the pearly gates, he is greeted by Diana, oh Diana what a beautiful halo you have. Diana replied "oh fuck off Philip, it's a steering wheel".

    * * * * *


  • Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.

    * * * * *


  • Some folks play fetch with their cat!!
    It's all fun and games for the dog, but I feel so bad for the kitty.

    * * * * *


  • My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor.
    I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”
    She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity.”

    * * * * *


  • I saw a man wearing really short shorts, and thought that was rather ballsy of him.

    * * * * *


  • Did you know that all zodiac signs have a specific haircut ?....

    .......Well, except Cancer.

    * * * * *


  • I sleep better naked.
    Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

    * * * * *


  • LICK HER C SECTION SCAR & WHISPER
    “I LOVE YOU MY LIL ZIPLOCK BAG”.

    * * * * *


  • Mars is my favorite planet.
    Uranus is number two.

    * * * * *


  • How do you turn a duck into a pop star?
    Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.

    * * * * *


  • A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
    The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
    "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
    The social workers are finally satisfied.
    They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.

    * * * * *


  • Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least once.

    * * * * *



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