150+ Jokes about alcohol, boose and liquor.



Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

- Random starter alcohol groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

    Because they can.

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  • I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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  • Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

    You can really taste the hops.

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  • Q: When do women drink alcohol?
    A: Wine O'Clock.

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  • How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
    Miller lite.

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  • I keep failing the sobriety test. I guess I am not studying hard enough.

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  • Beer is good but beers are better.

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  • FUN Fact:
    Drinking a banana milkshake can help cure a hangover.

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  • What idiot called it the drinks aisle in the supermarket and not the alcho-hall?

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  • I doubt Vodka is the answer.

    Its worth a shot though.

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  • Officer to drunk Guy : -How high are you?
    - Drunk guy: No officer, its -Hi, How are you?

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  • I only drink alcohol for medical reasons - because I'm sick of being sober.

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  • Please be extra careful on the road these days.
    A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wifes to drive.

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  • I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

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  • If I cant get the cork out of my good whiskey does it mean I am too drunk to deserve it.

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  • If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

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  • Q: What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn’t?
    A: High and dry.

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  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

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  • My yoga instructor was drunk today.
    Put me in a very awkward position.

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  • Top Five Reasons To Drink:

    5. To celebrate
    4. Socially
    3. To forget
    2. Because you can
    1. Everything looks better when it’s blurry

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  • I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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  • I was so upset when my wife called me a hopeless drunk.

    I thought that was the one thing I was really good at.

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  • It’s important to stay hydrated but that doesn’t mean it’s ever OK to put ice in your whisky.

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  • The danger of National Margarita Day is that it turns into National White People Dancing In Sombreros Night.

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  • Alcohol doesnt make you fat, it makes you lean.......against tables, chairs and walls.

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  • If alcohol isn’t the answer then obviously the wrong questions are being asked.

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  • Any fruit salad can become sangria if you have wine in your purse.

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  • I don’t just drink to drown my sorrows, I’ll drink enough for yours too.

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  • The drunk man offered no resistance when police arrested him.

    He turned out to be ohm-less.

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  • Me: “Its not how many times you fall down that matters. Its that you get back up again.”

    Police officer: “ I’m afraid that’s not how the Field Sobriety Test works.”

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  • They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.

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  • Its no longer called boxed wine, the classy term is Cardboardeaux.

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  • How does a computer get drunk?
    It takes screen "shots".

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  • You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
    My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

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  • Why don't the Seven Dwarves drink ?
    Because they're all miners.

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  • Drunk is when you feel sophisticated... but can’t pronounce it.

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  • Don' t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

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  • I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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  • What’s Robin Hood’s favourite type of alcohol? Cider. Because he’s got a really strong bow.

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  • My alcoholic wife went to see the Blacksmith.
    Unfortunately, she was hammered!

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  • How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
    Miller lite.

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  • You say hangover, I say out of booze.

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  • Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

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  • Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

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  • I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.

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  • Why has water been banned by Alcoholics Anonymous?
    Because it’s always drunk!

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  • WINE 🍷 it's the definite proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!!!

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  • My grandads answer to everything was alcohol......
    He didn't drink, he was just terrible at quizzes

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  • What's the Pet Shop Boys' favourite drink?

    It's a Gin.

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  • I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.......same thing.

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  • Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary . However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequilya .

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  • My friends are weird.
    They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

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  • "Just one more drink and then I'm outta here," is one of my favorite lies.

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  • Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

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  • I can’t stand being drunk.
    So I usually remain seated.

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  • I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
    A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

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  • Them: "Who's skull is that?"
    Me: (raising it to my lips to take a drink) "A guy named Philip".
    Them: "What's in it?"
    Me: "Vodka and orange juice".
    Them:
    Me: "It's a Philip's head screw driver".

    * * * * *


  • What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 8 pints.

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  • They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

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  • This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

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  • I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
    I said: "Beer?"
    She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
    I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

    * * * * *


  • Took my son out for his first pint today.
    Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
    Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.
    Same was with the Cider and Guinness...
    By the time we got to the whiskey, I could hardly push the pram!

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  • Wife: "Honey, I'm going to the store, do you want anything?"
    Husband: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I want to connect with my inner self."
    Wife: "Be specific. Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels?"

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  • You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies? I'm like that with Vodka!

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  • My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

    I said because she is a pessimist.

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  • Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

    You can really taste the hops.

    * * * * *


  • As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

    I said, "How do you know?"

    She said, "You live next door."

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  • You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on.

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  • Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

    Me: what day is it?

    Doctor: Thursday

    Me: today

    * * * * *


  • I was in a pub when a young man sat down on the stool next to me and started crying.
    "What's the matter?", I asked.
    "21 today", he replied.
    "In that case have a drink with me on this special day" I said hoping to cheer him up.
    I bought him a pint and he downed it in one go.
    "22 today" , he said....

    * * * * *



More jokes about alcohol, boose and liquor on the following pages...