150+ Jokes about alcohol, boose and liquor.



Why don't the Seven Dwarves drink ?
Because they're all miners.

- TOP alcojoke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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  • What’s Robin Hood’s favourite type of alcohol? Cider. Because he’s got a really strong bow.

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  • My alcoholic wife went to see the Blacksmith.
    Unfortunately, she was hammered!

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  • How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
    Miller lite.

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  • You say hangover, I say out of booze.

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  • Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

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  • Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

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  • I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.

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  • Why has water been banned by Alcoholics Anonymous?
    Because it’s always drunk!

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  • WINE 🍷 it's the definite proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!!!

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  • My grandads answer to everything was alcohol......
    He didn't drink, he was just terrible at quizzes

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  • What's the Pet Shop Boys' favourite drink?

    It's a Gin.

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  • I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.......same thing.

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  • Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary . However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequilya .

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  • My friends are weird.
    They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

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  • "Just one more drink and then I'm outta here," is one of my favorite lies.

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  • Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

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  • I can’t stand being drunk.
    So I usually remain seated.

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  • I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
    A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

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  • Them: "Who's skull is that?"
    Me: (raising it to my lips to take a drink) "A guy named Philip".
    Them: "What's in it?"
    Me: "Vodka and orange juice".
    Them:
    Me: "It's a Philip's head screw driver".

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  • What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 8 pints.

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  • They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

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  • This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

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  • I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
    I said: "Beer?"
    She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
    I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

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  • Took my son out for his first pint today.
    Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
    Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.
    Same was with the Cider and Guinness...
    By the time we got to the whiskey, I could hardly push the pram!

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  • Wife: "Honey, I'm going to the store, do you want anything?"
    Husband: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I want to connect with my inner self."
    Wife: "Be specific. Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels?"

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  • You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies? I'm like that with Vodka!

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  • My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

    I said because she is a pessimist.

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  • Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

    You can really taste the hops.

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  • As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

    I said, "How do you know?"

    She said, "You live next door."

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  • You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on.

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  • Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

    Me: what day is it?

    Doctor: Thursday

    Me: today

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  • I was in a pub when a young man sat down on the stool next to me and started crying.
    "What's the matter?", I asked.
    "21 today", he replied.
    "In that case have a drink with me on this special day" I said hoping to cheer him up.
    I bought him a pint and he downed it in one go.
    "22 today" , he said....

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  • How do you make Budweiser?
    Send him to school!

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  • Two mates were going to share a bottle of beer.
    The first bloke put it to is mouth and, in one go, drank the lot.
    "What are you doing?" screamed the other bloke- you've drunk my share as well!"
    "Sorry" said his mate: "It's not my fault - my half was at the bottom!"

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  • I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

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  • Made myself a cocktail....
    It was a stirring experience...

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  • Be the reason someone smiles today.
    Or the reason they drink.
    You choose your own adventure.

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  • There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

    Up.

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  • When I was younger I used to drink all different types of beer..but now I"m older Budweiser.

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  • Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

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  • Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.

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  • Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

    Because they can.

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  • I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one whisky before going to bed...

    Last night I went to bed eight times!

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  • I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.

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  • Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me.

    Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened...

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  • They say carrots are good for your eyes but i find beer is better, it doubles your vision.

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  • Not to get technical...
    But according to science, Alcohol is a solution.

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  • Some wines get better with the years. 2020 was a year that got better with wine...

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  • I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I put it in the food 🍷

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  • I strongly recommend you try a bottle of Justin wine, it's really, really good. Actually you should buy 12 bottles... Justin case.

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  • I fear my wife is struggling with alcohol.

    Yesterday she took 20 minutes to get a case of wine up the stairs.

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  • A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

    "For drinking." replies the cop.

    "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

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  • How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
    I don't know. Half an hour?

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  • Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.

    That was the punchline.

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More jokes about alcohol, boose and liquor on the following pages...