250+ British Jokes that will make your day !



What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

- TOP British joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

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  • Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

    I had the butler show them the door.

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  • Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

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  • In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
    I guess they’re just raised differently.

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  • My mate asked me the name of my favourite place in Wales. I said it’s difficult to say.

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  • Scam email warning:
    If you receive an email saying you have won tickets to watch Arsenal don't open it, it contains tickets to watch Arsenal.

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  • QUESTION: Does England have a 4th of July?
    Answer: Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

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  • Q: What does a British owl say?
    A: “Whom, whom”

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  • There was an Irish botanist trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy.
    He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

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  • Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

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  • Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

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  • I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry...

    Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

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  • I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

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  • Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
    'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
    'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

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  • I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

    Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

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  • I found £20. I'm not going to spend it all but I will party like its £19.99.

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  • Nowadays everyone has tables and chairs outside and they call it a patio.
    We did that back in the 1950’s but we called it eviction.

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  • What is the difference between a set of bagpipes and a two stroke moped? You can tune the moped.

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  • Scottish Joke
    Two cows in the field which one is on holiday?
    The one with the wee calf ….

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  • Anyone can pick a pickle
    but only an Englishman can Pick-a-dilly.

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  • My Grandad fought with Churchill...
    no not Winston....
    The insurance company !

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  • I just want to let people know that I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition....

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  • Bloke goes into Tesco and asks "Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"
    Sales assistant says "Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."
    "Why’s that?" he asks
    She replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"

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  • I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
    I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

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  • Someone removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire.
    The police are currently looking for Leeds.

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  • What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

    They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

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  • Whilst waiting at the bus stop,
    someone asked me,
    “how long is the next bus”?
    “mmmm about 38 feet” I replied

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  • My son accused me of living in the past.

    I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his way.

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  • The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
    Avvapooie.

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  • I went to the flea market today. After looking at all the stalls, I left disappointed. They didn't have any.....

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  • Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

    he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

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  • Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

    He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

    the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

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  • You can usually tell when it’s summer in Britain because the rain is warmer.

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  • So I got mugged at Victoria station and I started crying.
    Then a policeman came up to me and said: "I’m fining you £10".
    I said: "For crying out loud".
    He said: "Yes".

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  • What’s red and goes beep beep beep?
    The Manchester United open top bus being reversed into the garage for another year.

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  • What do we want?
    Northern Irish accents.
    When do we want them?
    Noy.

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  • The British sailed around the globe in search of spices, and once they found them, for some odd reason they didnt bother to use them on their food.

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  • I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

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  • An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:
    "Elsie, are you here?"
    "Aye, am here luv."
    "Are the kids here?"
    "Yes, ur children are all here.'
    "Are mi grandkids here?"
    "Yes grandad, we are all here."
    Then why is t’light in t’kitchen still on?!

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  • I never claimed to be perfect. That would be conceited, and if I were conceited I wouldn’t be perfect!

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  • Lady to cockney in London. “ how do I get to
    the the Albert hall please “ cockney answers, “
    Practice lady, practice. “

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  • Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both.

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  • We were that poor when we were young, our parents used to dilute water to make it last longer.

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  • I was thinking of having a tattoo.
    then I realised I don't have enough space and I don't like bagpipes.

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  • My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

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  • "Number 61, your time's up"
    "We only have 20 boats, Jimmy."
    "Number 19, do you require assistance?"

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  • Shop customer to owner, "Hi, I'm Mrs Bell". Ah, replied the shop owner, "You must be the one who rang earlier".

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  • I once had a date with a Welsh girl.
    She said, "Do you want to come back to mine?"
    I said, "Yes,"
    and spent the next 10 hours digging up coal.

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  • Two ducks are crossing the road in Belfast. One duck says: “Quack”. The other duck replies: “I’m goin’ as quack as I can”!

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  • This bloke stopped me in the village today and said..
    "What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life"..?
    I said... "No not yet"...

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  • Despite the recent rises in the cost of living...
    it still remains very popular!

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  • Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
    The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
    "Janet died, Toyota for sale."

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  • I love the Welsh summer, apparently this year it’s on a Tuesday...

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  • Men who chase skirts in Scotland would get Kilt !

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  • This bloke came up to me in the High street today and said: "Have you got a light mate?"
    I said: "Yes, his name is Tony and he weighs about 6 stone 2 pounds".

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