40+ Jokes about linguists and linguistics.



Double negatives don’t make no sense...
I am Positive about that!

- TOP lingvo-pun from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.

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  • I am. Is the shortest sentence in the English language. I do. Is the longest.

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  • What did the goose say when his flock landed on a balcony in Brazil?
    I don’t know - I don’t speak porch of geese.

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  • Why do zombies speak Latin? It's a dead language.

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  • I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.

    He has trouble introducing himself in France.

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  • I was telling my mate that my new dog only responds to commands in a foreign language.
    ” He said, “Español?” I replied, “No, he’s a poodle.”

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  • I asked my Spanish friend to include me in his email, he said C C.

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  • What did one Japanese man say to the other?

    I've no idea—I don't speak Japanese.

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  • Do you know that in Russian
    "sock" means "juice",
    "so sock" means "nipple",
    "bro sock" means "throw"
    and "no sock" means "sock"?
    Crazy Russians!

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  • "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."
    "Español?"
    "No, he's a labrador."

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  • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are at the back of the crowd watching a street juggler. The juggler noticed the guys had trouble seeing him so he stands on a large wooden box and shouts, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

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  • I started to study Scandinavian languages, but I never did Finnish.

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  • “The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use.”
    • Washington Irving

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  • Don’t use big words when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

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  • - "My mum is from London, but my dad is from Helsinki."
    - "Half Finnish?"
    - "Sure. My mum is from London, mutta isäni on kotoisin Helsingistä."

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  • I saw a bunch of chickens playing in the pool. One had his eyes closed. They were playing Marco Pollo.

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  • Bill to Jim, "what the heck Jim, I just heard your dog meowing, how come? "
    "Ah yes, that's ok, he's just learning a second language." 🐕

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  • English: newbie
    Mandarin: 牛逼 niúbī - fucking awesome

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  • Kuchisabishii (mouth lonely, Japanese) - when youre not hungry but you eat because your mouth is lonely 😋

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  • I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.

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  • I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

    It means the world to her.

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  • What do we want?
    Northern Ireland accents.
    When do we want them?
    NOY...

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  • You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

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  • You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

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  • Finished my Polish on Duolingo today. Now it's time to polish my Finnish.

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  • My beautician girlfriend said she wants to learn another language.

    I said I think you will Nail Polish 💅🤔

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  • A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

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  • An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
    "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
    "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

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  • A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
    The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

    The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

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  • The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

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  • At the dinner table..
    Dad: So how's college these days, kid? what classes are you taking?

    Kid: Intro to linguistics. Ugh, it's a shitty course.

    Dad: Language!

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  • How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?
    He gave him a harsh sentence.

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  • What do you call a world renowned linguist?
    A figure of speech.

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  • I was hit on by a linguist the other day.
    She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

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  • A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
    The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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  • My wife left me for a fast talker.
    He was a cunning linguist.

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  • I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

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  • What shoes do linguists wear?
    Converse.

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  • A linguist dies.
    At the funeral, a fellow academic asks his wife, “do you mind if I say a word?”
    She nods.
    He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits back down.
    She says, tearfully, “thank you, that means a lot.”

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  • What language should the linguist end with?
    Finnish!

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  • The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
    The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
    .
    .
    .
    "Chef! Are you sure?"

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  • Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.
    The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

    "French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

    The German is dying to speak, but then the Italian chimes in.

    "Italian is as beautiful as French. Our word for butterfly is Farfalle, also more beautiful than the insect itself"

    Finally it's the German's turn. He is dying to speak and blurts out,

    "AND VAT IS WRONG WITH SCHMETTERLING!?"

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  • I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"
    "For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

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  • A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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More Jokes about linguists and linguistics on the following pages...