150+ Mixed, assorted and diverse jokes.



Q: What do kings use to measure?
A: Rulers.

- TOP random joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I FINALLY was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.
    Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

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  • Why did the apple turnover? Because it saw the jelly roll!

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  • A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.

    * * * * *


  • What do we want?
    Decisiveness!
    When do we want it?
    We're not sure!

    * * * * *


  • I lost five pounds going to Weight Watchers last week,
    It's OK, though, I found it on the way home.

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  • Met a girl recently who says she wants to have my babies.

    Bit odd really, as I don’t have any...

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  • Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
    Because of his coffin.

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  • What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.

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  • How do you greet a Scarecrow?

    "HAY MAN!"

    * * * * *


  • So I bought fresh Peas for the first time and threw the PODS away.

    Yep, I just did my first PODcast!

    * * * * *


  • Adulting is not for everyone.
    I’m not kidding.

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  • What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.

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  • A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

    * * * * *


  • Sadly, the guy who invented the Frisbee died yesterday.
    Apparently he caught something that was going round.

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  • Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
    I laughed more than I thought.

    * * * * *


  • Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?
    They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

    * * * * *


  • I've recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants.
    They complement each other nicely.

    * * * * *


  • If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.

    * * * * *


  • "Half a dozen" because saying '6' is way too long.

    * * * * *


  • While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
    "Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
    As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

    He just couldn't stop coffin!

    * * * * *


  • I’m not a hugger, and I’m having a hard time embracing that.

    * * * * *


  • I once went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant and she insisted on paying for the meal.
    I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running".

    * * * * *


  • I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

    Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

    * * * * *


  • What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good hair cut?
    About 2 weeks.

    * * * * *


  • A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.

    * * * * *


  • Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s day?

    Regular rocks are too heavy.

    * * * * *


  • When the cannibal was late for lunch they gave him the cold shoulder.

    * * * * *


  • I was just Googling the history of the seatbelt.
    Fastenating stuff.

    * * * * *


  • A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working,
    but I haven't told him yet.
    It's never the right time.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A rip-off!

    * * * * *


  • Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

    * * * * *


  • Where are average things built?

    In the satisfactory.

    * * * * *


  • I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side. And my fingers...I could always count on them.

    * * * * *


  • Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

    * * * * *


  • How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?
    You mean "a choir"?
    Ok, then how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

    * * * * *


  • I went into Gregg's and bought a sausage roll.
    The lady behind the counter said " Do you want me to put it in the microwave for you?"
    I said yes please...
    So she followed me home...

    * * * * *


  • Of course men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. It's called "marriage."

    * * * * *


  • I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.

    I took it as a sign from above.

    * * * * *


  • I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

    * * * * *


  • Being unhappy is nothing to laugh about.

    * * * * *


  • Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 30 cm tall and wear red hats... it's a little gnome fact.

    * * * * *


  • How do you embarrass a Psychic?
    Throw him a surprise party!

    * * * * *


  • Hospitality: making your friends feel at home even when you wish they were.

    * * * * *


  • Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
    Because it's the scenter.

    * * * * *


  • It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

    * * * * *


  • Customer: I would like to buy a pound of potatoes.
    Sales guy: We dont name it that anymore.
    Customer: Hmm how do you name it now?
    Sales guy: We name it kilo.
    Customer: Ok, then gimme a pound of kilo.

    * * * * *


  • The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week!
    There was no cough-in at his funeral!

    * * * * *


  • Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

    * * * * *


  • I asked the librarian if they had any books on fire.

    He said, "We've just put them out."

    * * * * *


More Mixed, Assorted and Motley Jokes on the following pages...