100+ Money, cash, banks and investment jokes.



Managed to cut my insurance bill in half. Stil costs the same, just got carried away with some scissors.

- Weird money joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • Contrary to popular belief, money can buy Happiness.

    However, that’s just
    her stage name...

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  • My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

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  • "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

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  • My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
    I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

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  • They say you've got to spend money to make money.

    I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?

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  • The first million people who send me £1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire.

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  • A penny saved is a government oversight.

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  • Looking forward to the Fall, when I can make some serious money gathering leaves. Man, I raked it in last year

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  • So I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles.
    I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

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  • Do you know why you can’t bend pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters?

    Change is hard.

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  • Q: How do you make a paradigm change?
    A: Four nickels or 20 pennies!

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  • The bank guy was pestering me to borrow money, I begged him to leave me a loan.

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  • People who are crazy about money are doughnuts.

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  • Problem with liquidity in US Financial markets is the Treasury not producing enough low denomination coins. Doesn't make cents.

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  • I think my credit card looks weird.

    Could someone send me a picture of theirs so I can compare?

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  • After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

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  • You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

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  • My tax advisor borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

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  • I'm one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

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  • Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

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  • I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.

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  • A man is suing the company for 100 million after he was left with one eye after an accident. I bet he doesn't see half that money.

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  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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  • I wish I worked for the Royal Mint. I hear you can make a lot of money.

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  • My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

    Which was nice of him.

    * * * * *


  • Just wondering, do they use bank notes in the cheque republic?

    * * * * *


  • My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

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  • Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

    Most of them are Tellers.

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  • I won $5,000,000 in the lottery last month and decided to give a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $4,999,999.75.

    * * * * *


  • Man goes up to his friend and hands him a limp, soggy sea creature.
    His friend says "What's THIS - a dead octopus?"
    And his friend says "Naw, it's the sick squid I owe you..."

    * * * * *


  • Why is my credit so bad? I get letters from all of my creditors each month telling me my balance is outstanding.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the boy put his money in the freezer?
    He wanted some cold, hard cash.

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  • I bought something for 94 cents and gave the cashier a dollar. I knew what change to expect.
    Must be my sixth sense!

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  • I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.

    * * * * *


  • Old MacDonald loaned me cash. He I, he I owe.

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  • We pay taxes on money we earn to pay taxes on money we spend.

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  • Funny thing about Banks , they only want to Loan you money when you don’t need it.

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  • Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

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  • I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, I'm a billionaire.
    ~ Howard Hughes...

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  • Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's stolen my bank account!

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  • Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
    ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...

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  • Can you name the famous American Gold depository?
    Thought not.

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  • It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes.

    * * * * *


  • Just ordered a DVD called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
    Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

    * * * * *


  • Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
    Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

    * * * * *


  • I never pay up on time. I pro cash tinate

    * * * * *


  • It's been a weird day.
    First I find a hat full of money, then get chased by some guy with a guitar.

    * * * * *


  • I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

    * * * * *


  • Èlectrician opens current account at bank.

    * * * * *


  • "I got a letter from my bank yesterday that said "Final Reminder".
    At least I know they will stop asking me now..."

    * * * * *


  • "Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So When Your Value Increases Keep Quiet."

    * * * * *


  • If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

    * * * * *


  • Banks should do a better job to ensure their ATMs are filled. I have gone to 5 ATMs and they are all saying insufficient funds.

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  • Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

    * * * * *


  • Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

    * * * * *


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