777+ Brilliant PUNS, quibbles, wordplays and quirks.



I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-face.

- Random starter wordplay from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.
    She called me a cheap-skate.

    * * * * *


  • Why didn't the skeleton go to the night club?
    -
    Cause he had no body to dance with.

    * * * * *


  • Went to a railway themed fancy dress party.
    Everyone was on platforms.

    * * * * *


  • It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper, and now everyone’s going nuts in quarantine.
    We’ve all gone
    bat, shit, crazy.

    * * * * *


  • If y'all need an ark, I Noah guy...

    * * * * *



  • I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

    It's a great way to break the ice.

    * * * * *


  • I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

    * * * * *


  • I knew a girl named pickles.

    I relished her.

    * * * * *


  • My wife got a pedicure and I was left to foot the bill.

    * * * * *


  • The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

    * * * * *


  • I remain alert by taking Ballet lessons.
    .
    It keeps me on my toes.

    * * * * *


  • Recycling is all of the cycling I am doing right now.

    * * * * *


  • The girl next door eloped with her boyfriend. On their way to the wedding, they saw some antelope. On their way home, they saw some postelope.

    * * * * *


  • Saw a meteor shower. Apologized to it for invading its privacy.

    * * * * *


  • I bought a wooden whistle...
    But it wooden whistle.
    So I bought a steel whistle.
    But it steel wooden whistle.
    So I bought a lead whistle.
    But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

    * * * * *


  • I met a guy who painted names and numbers on underwater vessels. He was a sub scriber.

    * * * * *


  • Some people pick their nose.

    I feel like I was just born with mine.

    * * * * *


  • How does the Easter Bunny travel?
    By hare plane!

    * * * * *


  • What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

    Oh sheet...

    * * * * *


  • I can tell, just by looking at them, if people are lying.

    I can also tell if they're standing.

    * * * * *


  • Determined to catch a mouse, so I am lying on the floor with some cheese in my open mouth. I wait with baited breath.

    * * * * *


  • I am retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and I am tired again.

    * * * * *


  • I've decided I'm going to change my footwear from laces to Velcro.
    Why knot?

    * * * * *


  • Last night I dreamed I was a mortgage.

    When I woke up, I was a loan.

    * * * * *


  • Have you ever heard the story of the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.

    * * * * *


  • I think I’m addicted to horoscopes. I can see all the signs.

    * * * * *


  • My dryer door keeps popping open during use.
    If it does it one more time, that's it.
    I'm throwing in the towel.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve never understood the concept of a horizon. It’s completely beyond me.

    * * * * *


  • If you visit the Museum of Natural History, please don't feed the animals.
    They're stuffed!

    * * * * *


  • Indoor skydiving.
    Huge fan.

    * * * * *


  • Do you think Friday the 13th is scary? No, but Fri 10, maybe.

    * * * * *


  • I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

    * * * * *


  • The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real...

    * * * * *


  • Cannibal lions swallow their pride.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby?

    Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

    * * * * *


  • Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
    They’ll get frostbite.

    * * * * *


  • Went to a railway themed fancy dress party.
    Everyone was on platforms.

    * * * * *


  • How do you shut a wardrobe's door?
    You closet.

    * * * * *


  • A con man’s greatest asset
    is his lie-ability.

    * * * * *


  • I was thinking about learning Finnish.
    But I didn't know where to start...

    * * * * *


  • What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
    Re-Morse code.

    * * * * *


  • Did you know?

    When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

    * * * * *


  • It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

    * * * * *


  • When I saw the broken elevator I just couldn't help but stair.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale.

    * * * * *


  • On the freeway today I passed a guy with a loom on his front seat.
    He was weaving all over the place.

    * * * * *


  • I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.

    * * * * *


  • Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

    * * * * *


  • The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

    * * * * *


  • My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.

    * * * * *


  • What do you get when you mix a tortoise with a porcupine?
    A slow poke.

    * * * * *


  • This year I vow not to tell any jokes about Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm going to... (wait for it) ...quit cold turkey.

    * * * * *


  • So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
    They just flew off the shelves!

    * * * * *


  • If you accidentally swallow a tool, it will more than likely be gut wrenching.

    * * * * *


  • What did the leaning tower say to Big Ben. “If you have the time,I have the inclination

    * * * * *


  • I'm not sure whether or not to quit my job as a hot air balloon instructor. It's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

    * * * * *


  • Sick and tired of my archery teacher: way too arrowgant!

    * * * * *


  • A dentist and a manicurist argued about their respective career choices. They fought tooth and nail.

    * * * * *


  • The best example of period furniture is the electric chair -- because it ends a sentence!

    * * * * *


  • Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a really sleepy egg?

    Egg-zosted!

    * * * * *


  • ADHD sounds like 80HD, and that sounds twice as good as WD40.

    * * * * *


  • Just had a train run over my foot......

    Probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

    * * * * *


  • What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

    One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

    * * * * *


  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

    * * * * *


  • I Might change my electricity company. I'm Not happy with my current provider.

    * * * * *


  • I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I'd so tap that."

    * * * * *


  • I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I've managed to conker my fear.

    * * * * *


  • I can definitely see the wisdom in going back to sleep.
    That's my pillowsophy.

    * * * * *


  • I've received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training programme.

    * * * * *


  • A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the banana call the doctor?
    Because it wasn’t peeling well!

    * * * * *


  • What should they call
    the stairs used for
    boarding planes...

    A flight of stairs.

    * * * * *


  • I’m thinking of robbing a bakery of all utensils. It’s dangerous, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

    * * * * *


  • For such a large coal factory, it only had a single rail system going through it. I guess you can say it was a...
    ...one track mine.

    * * * * *


  • We must congratulate canyons, caverns and tunnels ; they've always been echo-friendly.

    * * * * *


  • A hundred years ago, we might have said "Dedicated milliners will always find a way to practice their craft." Nowadays we simply say "Hatters gonna hat."

    * * * * *


  • Mining is boring.

    * * * * *


  • SAD NEWS!!
    My new inflatable house got a puncture last night.
    Now I'm living in a flat!

    * * * * *



More puns, quibbles, and quirks on the following pages...