100+ Religion, theism and atheism jokes that will make your day !



How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

- TOP religion joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I had a mind blowing threesome last night.
    The restaurant calls
    it a sampler, but whatever.

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  • What is the BEST WAY TO GET TO PARADISE? You have to "Turn right and go straight.".

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  • As it turns out, the 10 Commandments are not meant to be multiple choice !

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  • Dear God,
    All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
    Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
    Amen.

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  • What type of gum does Jesus chew?
    Holy Spearmint.

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  • What religion are doctors?
    Orthodocs.

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  • What do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? Sistermatic.

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  • My body is not a temple, it is a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread and guilt.

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  • My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning...

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  • Jesus walks into a hotel

    Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

    * * * * *


  • What religion are doctors?
    Orthodocs.

    * * * * *


  • What did the preacher say when his roses started to wilt?
    Let us spray.

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  • Who is the fastest runner of all time?

    Adam, because he came first in the human race!

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  • "Dog food lid" spelled backwards is "Dildo of God".
    That is all.

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  • A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
    God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
    The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
    God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
    The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
    And God replies, “In a second.”

    * * * * *


  • Our church has a volunteer choir for the Summer whose members are not in the regular choir. They are called the “Summer Singers” because summer singers and some aren’t.

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  • When do Buddists practice?
    Every now and Zen😁

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  • I wanted to become a monk but never got the chants.

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  • When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

    "I bet this will look fucking great on a necklace one day."

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  • What do you get when you cross a preacher and a cow?
    "Pastor"ized milk!

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  • A nurse walks into a toy shop and asks for a box of red crayons. The shop assistant says "Sorry, we don't sell boxes of crayons with just one colour in them, only assorted colours. Why would you want a box of just red crayons anyway?"
    The nurse replies "Because some days I have to draw a lot of blood."

    * * * * *


  • How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

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  • Why are priests called 'Father'

    Because it would be too suspicious calling them "Daddy".

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  • Saw a priest in a mask who threw some holy water at me. A bit odd I know, but I think it's a blessing in disguise.

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  • I'm addicted to dressing like a nun. I'd quit doing it but it's a hard habit to break...

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  • If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.
    Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

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  • Did you know the bible says men should make the coffee every morning?
    There’s a whole book about it called Hebrews.

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  • A young child was looking at The Bible he found in the family bookshelf.
    He started reading it from the beginning when all of a sudden an.old pressed leaf fell out from The Bible.
    He shouted "Mum, look what I've found?"
    His Mum said "what have you found dear?"
    He replied in shock "I've found Adam's underwear".

    * * * * *


  • I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

    * * * * *


  • A young man went streaking all around a church!
    He was finally caught up by the organ.

    * * * * *


  • "How did you get on at that faith healing group last night?”

    “He was absolute rubbish! Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out”.

    * * * * *


  • I once asked a priest “where do you get all your holy water from?”
    He replied “I just fill the kettle up and boil the hell out of it!”.

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  • At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
    One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
    The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
    God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
    The women left and the men formed two lines...
    The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
    The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
    God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
    I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
    Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
    Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
    The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

    * * * * *


  • It's okay to kiss a nun, but don't get into the habit.

    * * * * *


  • Jezus entering the restaurant for the last supper: table for 24 please?

    Waiter: but you are only 12?

    Jezus: yeah, but we are all gonna sit on the same side.....

    * * * * *


  • Why can't skeletons play church music?

    Because they don't have any organs.

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  • Jesus may not have been raised in a wealthy home, but He was born in a stable environment.

    * * * * *


  • What’s the difference between yogurt and your church?
    The yogurt has an active culture.

    * * * * *


  • Don’t spell
    “dog food lid”
    backwards

    * * * * *


  • Catholic services are being disrupted by people playing medieval stringed instruments.
    Police are describing it as Mass luting.

    * * * * *


  • A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'
    Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?'
    So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
    A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.'
    And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.'
    And Adam asked, 'What is caress?'
    So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
    Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
    And the Lord said, 'You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'
    And Adam asked, 'What is to make love Lord?'
    So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.
    But this time he reappeared in a few seconds and asked, 'Lord, what is a headache?'

    * * * * *


  • Satan just bought a sports car. He's hell on wheels.

    * * * * *


  • Just finished the exorcism course at the Vatican...my head is spinning.

    * * * * *


  • Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
    The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
    She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
    The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
    She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
    The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
    She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
    Some years later they met again.
    The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
    She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
    The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
    She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
    Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
    The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
    And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
    She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!

    * * * * *


  • An engineer dies and goes to Hell.
    Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”
    Satan says, "Why, things are going great.
    We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
    God is horrified.
    "What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
    Send him up here immediately!"
    Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
    God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”
    “Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

    * * * * *


  • Met a dyslexic atheist today. He doesn't believe in dog.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
    A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

    * * * * *


  • I'm planning on opening an art boutique.
    I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.
    It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

    * * * * *


  • One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

    "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

    "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

    "That's a truly afwul behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

    The boys did what they were told and went to the San Lorenzo fuori Muri on Piazza San Lorenzo. After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they also knew where the man worked.

    * * * * *


  • If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

    * * * * *


  • Q: What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?
    A: They're both not allowed to get wet!

    * * * * *


  • Ninty year old man goes to confession. "Father, I just had sex with three 18 year old triplets from Sweden". Father says "That's not exactly a sin- why are you telling me?" Man says "I'm telling everybody!"

    * * * * *


  • A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

    * * * * *


  • A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
    “Are you the friar?” he asked.
    The brother replied “no,
    I’m the chip monk”.

    * * * * *


  • Two nuns are late for church and decide to ride their bikes to get there on time

    One nun says, follow me, I know a short cut through the park

    They arrive on time and just before entering the church, the other nun says, you know, I've never come that way before...

    The first nun replies, yeah, it must the cobble stones.

    * * * * *


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