600+ Weird, odd and bizarre jokes that will make your day !



Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

- Weirdest joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

    He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

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  • Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

    * * * * *


  • How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

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  • Good news: I can still do a full split!
    Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

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  • Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
    So I didn't.

    * * * * *


  • Me on security.

    "There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

    Control Room, "Copy that."

    Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

    * * * * *


  • Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

    * * * * *


  • Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.

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  • Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

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  • If you crush a cockroach you're a hero but when you crush a butterfly you become villain in eyes of everyone.
    Means rabbles' morals have aesthetic values.

    * * * * *


  • I answered the door, and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

    * * * * *


  • A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    * * * * *


  • Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?
    A: Arrrrrr Kelly.

    * * * * *


  • I lost my voice today.
    Can't tell you how annoying it is.

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  • I dunno who needs to know this but Lego blocks are bad for the sole.

    * * * * *


  • Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.

    * * * * *


  • 2 cannibals eating a guy.
    1 starts at the head, the other starts at the feet.
    The one at the head asks the other one,
    "How ya doing down there?"
    "Oh, I'm havin a ball."
    "Slow down, you're eating too fast."

    * * * * *


  • I live alone and I'm looking for a microwave that doesn't beep so loud, letting everyone else know that I'm eating again.

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  • Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

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  • Did you hear about the couple who left a radical religious cult because it had strayed too far away from the scriptures?
    The cut the unbiblical cord.

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  • Strip poker sounds more like instructions than a card game.

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  • Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.

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  • - 8 out of 10 people don't know a synonym for flooding.
    - Freak waters?
    - No, four-fifths.

    * * * * *


  • Don't worry kids, being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

    * * * * *


  • Personally, I think failure should be an option.

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  • What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common?
    No ballroom.

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  • There's a village in Europe that's still ruled by noblemen.
    It's the final count town.

    * * * * *


  • What does a bee use to put out the fire?
    Fire extsinguisher.

    * * * * *


  • I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status, it reminds me of somebody I used to know.

    * * * * *


  • On the weekends I work at a farm shoveling horse poop. It doesn’t pay much, but hay, it’s a stable job.

    * * * * *


  • When I lost nearly all my fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the surgeon and doctors if I could still write with it?….. they said, “ probably, but I wouldn’t count on it “ ….

    * * * * *


  • I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now.
    Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

    * * * * *


  • This girl I’m seeing texted me a photo of one of her bum cheeks.
    I thought, that’s a bit half-arsed.

    * * * * *


  • What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
    A pool table.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call an insect with a perm?
    A frisbee.

    * * * * *


  • Is a ‘Youthful Offender’ One Who Needs A ‘Minor Adjustment’ ?!?!?

    * * * * *


  • Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.

    * * * * *


  • I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.

    * * * * *


  • All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
    I just never had the balls to do it.

    * * * * *


  • Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.

    * * * * *


  • I was washing my car with my son...
    ...after a while my son said to me "Why can't we just use a sponge?"

    * * * * *


  • I should be ashamed of myself.
    Lets be clear, I'm not.
    But I should be.

    * * * * *


  • Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
    To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

    * * * * *


  • How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

    * * * * *


  • A pharmacist comes back from lunch break and as he approaches the pharmacy, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier with a cough?"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." "Well, he seems to be fine now." "Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"

    * * * * *


  • What do you call it when you get a song stuck in your head?
    An aneurhythm.

    * * * * *


  • I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON….never mind, I found it.

    * * * * *


  • CHILDREN in the BACK SEAT cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

    * * * * *


  • A group wearing maroon shirts are now marooned!

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
    He was declared Dad on arrival…

    * * * * *


  • A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!

    * * * * *


  • I knew a ginger named Ebony. It was Ebony and irony.

    * * * * *


  • Some of us learn from the mistakes of others.
    The rest of us have to be the others.

    * * * * *


  • What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!

    * * * * *


  • My dog works for the fire department. (He helps locate fire hydrants.

    * * * * *


  • I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

    * * * * *


  • So this bloke at the races came over and whispered: "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
    I said: "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

    * * * * *


  • I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
    I've been arrested three times for practicing.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air? Nun of the above.

    * * * * *


  • me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*.
    flight attendant: please stop.

    * * * * *


  • Just saw an ad that urged people to "report allergic reactions to your doctor". I had no idea so many people were allergic to their doctors.

    * * * * *


  • My wife refused to set foot on a nude beach,
    She so clothes minded!

    * * * * *


  • ....dropped Viagra on my wrist watch & now I’m having a hard time.

    * * * * *


  • Painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. Not sure everyone saw the funny side.

    * * * * *


  • Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship.

    * * * * *


  • If you ever come over unannounced, it'll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.

    * * * * *


  • One man wanted stalls installed in his barn. He said he pay in installments!

    * * * * *


  • My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...
    ... I'm not a fan.

    * * * * *


  • A worker at a visor plant was considered super. He is now a supervisor!

    * * * * *


  • I grew up on a housing estate so rough, even the arms of the chairs had tattoos!!

    * * * * *


  • The butchers meat store caught on fire. You know what he did? He grabbed his meat and beat it.

    * * * * *


  • I gave my pet snake to the zoo.
    He was developing a bad adder-tude!

    * * * * *


  • WHAT'S MARRIAGE MADE OF? For men It's 3% compromise, 3% love and 94% accepting that you've lost an argument and have to fold the laundry or dry the dishes in silence.

    * * * * *


  • Years ago I used to DJ at Stonehenge, but I no longer mix in those circles.

    * * * * *


  • What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
    Nothing. They’ll find themself.

    * * * * *


  • Yesterday I wanted to go jogging but then I thought, in the Bible the Proverbs 28:1 say that: "The wicked run when no one is chasing them". So I changed my mind...

    * * * * *


  • I threw some protein bars in the trash outside and now some raccoons are bench pressing my neighbor's Great Dane in the backyard.

    * * * * *


  • I took a shower the other day...
    But thought I should bring it back incase someone else needed it....

    * * * * *


  • Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around?
    I'm just wandering.

    * * * * *


  • Honesty is the key to a smooth relationship. So if you can fake that, YOU'RE IN...

    * * * * *


  • What is E.T short for?
    Because he has small legs.

    * * * * *


  • I don't always exercise....
    But when I do, I'll do it tomorrow,

    * * * * *


  • My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it.
    Just like that.
    I'm married to an animal.

    * * * * *


  • I met my wife on the net; we were both bad trapeze artists.

    * * * * *


  • What do clowns get turned on by?
    Balloon blow-up dolls.

    * * * * *


  • Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
    A. They are both meat substitutes.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a cow with no hair?
    Smooooth.

    * * * * *


  • Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

    * * * * *


  • "She slap her daughter, because she was drunk."
    Who was drunk the daughter or the mother?

    * * * * *


  • What is green and found in trees? Giraffe snot...

    * * * * *


  • If You had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other what do you get? A bloody big moth.

    * * * * *


  • I bumped into a cross eyed woman today, she shouted “You need to look where you are going”!
    I said “You need to go where you are looking”!

    * * * * *


  • Magician:"Go ahead, pick a card, any card."
    So I took his Visa.

    * * * * *


  • So to the person who stole my train set...
    What goes around, comes around!

    * * * * *


  • Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Just checking my balance.”

    * * * * *


  • I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

    * * * * *


  • Kissing someone is like accepting their 'germs and conditions!!

    * * * * *


  • One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music. Think it's the Chopin board.

    * * * * *


  • What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
    A circus has a cunning array of stunts.

    * * * * *


  • Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

    * * * * *


More weird, odd and bizarre jokes on the following pages...