300+ Husband and Wife Jokes that will make your day !



I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

- TOP Husband and Wife Joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • MY HUSBAND AND I are doing workshop. He works and I shop!

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  • My wife said I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment...

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  • He used to have so much gas that his wife left him.

    Gone with the wind ...

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  • My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
    What do you think?

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  • My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

    Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

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  • I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

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  • My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

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  • I'm not saying the wife orders from Amazon a lot, but she just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

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  • I bought a new pitcher, brought it home and put it on the sink. “What am I going to do with an extra pitcher?” my wife said. I told her, “Do what baseball teams do with extra pitchers. Put it on the bullpen.” It only left a small scar!

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  • I've just found out that my wife is writing a book about our honeymoon. It's called '50 Shades of O.K.'

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  • The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

    Like I've got time for that during conker season.

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  • Since my wife left I find that things are ----exactly where I left them.

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  • My wife told me I look better without my glasses.
    I said thanks you look better without my glasses too.

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  • I think my wife is showing the early signs of alzheimer's.
    She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

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  • A wife got so mad at her husband
    she packed his bags and told him
    to get out.
    As he walked to the door she
    yelled, "I hope you die a long,
    slow, painful death."
    He turned around and said, "So,
    you want me to stay?"

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  • Wife:(dealing cards)"Whoever loses this poker hand gets the clothes out of the dryer."
    Long story short, I folded...
    ...twice.

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  • Wife: Darling, give me a nice compliment...
    Husband: You got
    a fantastic husband.

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  • My wife left me because of my love of auctions.
    She was going, going, gone.

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  • My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
    But I will recover.

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  • My wife was unable to put up some shelves!
    I told her she'd got a screw loose!

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  • Wife: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
    Me: "Where did that come from?"

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  • I can't believe that my wife is telling her friends that I'm a very NOSY PERSON ,,,, that's what it said in her PERSONAL DIARY.

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  • My wife had stood by me for 40 years.
    We only have one chair!

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  • Wife: "I've made the chicken soup."
    Husband: "Oh, good. I was worried it was for us."

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  • My wife and I went to a prize fancy dress party last night as Giraffes. We didn't win anything, but we can hold are head's up high.

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  • My wife asked me " did I eat her chocolate eclair in the fridge " ?
    I replied " no I ate it in the livingroom "

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  • A guy booked a holiday to Egypt. His wife asked if they could go on a camel.
    He said: "No, it will be quicker if we fly”.

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  • It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong.

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  • My wife asked if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

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  • My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
    Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

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  • My wife said she wanted to play house. I told her I want to be Hugh Laurie.

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  • I've just told my wife that I've been training as a mime artist for the last 20 years
    She said, "you kept that quiet".

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  • I always sleep in my clothes.
    Every night my wife says "Get out of the laundry basket!"

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  • My wifes just texted me and told me she was in casualty. Well I've watched 3 series but not seen her yet.

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  • 9 OUT OF 10 HUSBANDS AGREED THAT THEIR WIVES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
    THE 10TH HUSBAND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED.

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  • I like to read my wife's horoscope regularly to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

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  • I once saw my wife crying whilst slicing onions.
    I had no idea she felt so emotional about root vegetables.

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  • Sometimes I run my hands through my wife's hair. It's a nice way to show her my love...and that we're also out of napkins.

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  • The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.
    "How hard is it?" I asked.
    She cheekily replied, "As hard as your willie when you're thinking about me naked!"
    I said, "Go on then, pour me a glass"

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  • When you talk to your wife, remember that:
    "This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes"

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  • The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

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  • After an extremely tense argument with the wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
    Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade flying towards me.

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  • Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin..

    I said.."What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

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  • My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

    But I think she's just a poser.

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  • I recieved a blank text from wife the other day.
    When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
    "Because I'm not talking to you."

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  • I asked my wife how good my listening skills were. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
    I have no idea why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

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  • I bought my wife a rasp for her birthday... .. She's filing for divorce.

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  • My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up,
    I wouldn't mind but I'm not even married.

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  • My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.
    I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

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  • I told my wife to brace herself, the Orthodontist bill just came..

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  • My wife says I should stop speaking in numbers, but I told her I don’t 1 2.

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  • My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

    It was a cigarette lighter.

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  • Wife: Honey, I think the bathroom scale is broken. Please fix it.
    Husband: Where is it?
    Wife: I'm on it.
    Husband: Ok. Do it then.

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  • I asked my wife what sort of olives I should buy and she told me to get stuffed.

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  • I Enjoyed my Wife's Beef stew tonight, even it turns out it Was an Apple pie!

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