Hilarious jokes about IDIOTs that will make your day 🤪!



Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

- Random starter idiot groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
    The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
    The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
    The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

    * * * * *


  • If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • I just saw some idiot at the gym.

    He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

    * * * * *


  • There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

    "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

    "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    * * * * *



  • One day, Great Tamerlane goes to the Aksehir Central Hamam (hamam=Turkish bath). In hamam, after he undressed and wrapped ‘pestamals’ (large bath towel) around, they enter into hot room. They sit on ‘gobek tasi’ (large very hot marble). While sweating, they chat.
    Then Tamerlane asks the Hodja:
    -Hodja, you are very learned one! You know to appraise properly. Tell me what is my worth, my value?
    -10 ‘Akce’ (old Turkish gold coin), replied the Hodja.
    Tamerlane flies into a rage about the so low appraisal value for himself.
    -You, idiot! says Tamerlane, how can yo say me my value is ten Akces, just this pestamal alone is worth 10 Akce!
    Nasreddin Hoja replies by nodding,
    -I included that when I gave you my estimate.

    * * * * *


  • Q, what does 2 say to 3 when they see 6 behaving like an idiot
    A, "don't mind him he is just the product of our times"

    * * * * *


  • The Women's Dictionary
    1.Fine
    This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
    2. Five minutes
    These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
    3. Nothing
    The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
    4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
    Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
    5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
    Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
    6. Loud Sigh
    This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
    7. Soft Sigh
    Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
    8. Oh
    This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
    9. That's Okay
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
    it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
    10. Please Do
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
    11. Thanks
    The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
    12. Thanks A Lot
    Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

    * * * * *


  • OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
    Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
    Stall: "So what are you up to?"
    Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
    Stall: "Can I come over?"
    Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
    Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

    * * * * *


  • After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "YUP, it is" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You IDIOT! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!".

    * * * * *


  • Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
    Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"
    He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
    Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"
    "I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.
    "You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."

    * * * * *


  • The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
    against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
    The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
    The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
    The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

    * * * * *


  • When someone insults you..
    Think before u react..!! 😇
    It takes 72 muscles to get angry 😣
    14 to smile 🙂
    but Only 4 muscles to extend your hand and slap that idiot..

    * * * * *


  • A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
    Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
    The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

    * * * * *


  • What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
    Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

    * * * * *


  • Sonia Gandhi met the Queen of England in her palace

    Sonia: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

    "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
    are intelligent?"

    The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"

    David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

    "Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.

    Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?"

    Now its Sonia's turn to apply the same logic....

    Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..
    "Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," said Rahul Gandhi . "Let me get back to you on that one..."

    Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...

    Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..

    Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..

    Rahul said, "Thanks!"

    *Then he went back to Sonia. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi*..."😎

    *Sonia slapped him*....
    and *shouted* ..
    "No ! *You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron*.

    * * * * *


  • "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

    "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

    "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    * * * * *


  • My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes...

    I think it's pretty cool of her to give me permission like that...

    * * * * *


  • A kid who just learnt alphabet must look at keyboard and think adults are idiots.

    * * * * *


  • A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.

    An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.

    A REALIST sees a freight train.

    The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the track.

    * * * * *


  • La idiotez es una de las enfermedades más virulentas, nunca la padece quien la tiene, sino quienes le rodean.

    * * * * *


  • The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
    The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

    * * * * *


  • What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

    Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

    * * * * *


  • Short Christmas Jokes

    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
    It's Christmas, Eve !

    How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
    Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

    What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
    The letter "D" !

    What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
    Santa Claustrophobia !

    What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
    Black mail !

    Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
    Santa Paws !

    Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
    Because it soots him !

    Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
    Elephanta Claus !

    How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
    Stacks !

    Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
    Because he's Sooty !

    * * * * *


  • An idiot was standing on the pavement watching a funeral procession when a passerby asked, “Do you know whose funeral it is?”

    The idiot replied, “I can’t say for sure. But I think it’s that guy’s in the coffin.”

    * * * * *


  • —¡Salí del Closet!
    —Ay, ¿Eres gay?
    —No
    —¿Vienes de Narnia?
    —Tampoco
    —¿Entonces?
    —¿Tu nunca jugaste al Escondite idiota?

    * * * * *


  • —Por ti soy capaz de bajar la luna...
    —¿Y para qué la quiero idiota?
    —Es una metáf...
    —¿Dónde la pondría?
    —Pero...
    —¡Ay, me cagas pendejo!

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis for his birthday?

    He’s spent the last six months looking for a lake with a slope.

    * * * * *


  • Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
    Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

    * * * * *


  • If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • - My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
    - You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
    - No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

    * * * * *


  • There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

    * * * * *


  • A rabbit lives in the woods and wants to go and explore the nearby meadow. His mum says "if you go into the meadow, the fairy of the wood will turn you into an idiot."
    He ignores his mum and the fairy of the wood does exactly what his mum says, and turns him into an idiot.
    The moral of this story?
    Hare today, goon tomorrow...

    * * * * *


  • I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

    * * * * *


  • My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
    They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

    * * * * *


  • I just saw some idiot at the gym.

    He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

    * * * * *


  • Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
    “Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
    “No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
    “Was it Green, that creep?”
    “No, it wasn’t him.”
    “I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
    “No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
    Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

    * * * * *


  • A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
    "What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
    "I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
    "You idiot" says his wife.
    "If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

    * * * * *


  • "If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
    -- Schopenhauer

    * * * * *


  • Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • I'm not a complete idiot,
    some parts are missing.

    * * * * *


  • To generalize is to be an idiot.
    William Blake

    * * * * *


  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

    * * * * *


  • A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
    The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
    The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
    The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

    * * * * *


  • TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
    #1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
    #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
    #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
    you off.
    #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
    that needs work.
    #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
    down. I'll remember it.”
    #6 - “On time” is when you get there.
    #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
    #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
    ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
    #9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
    #10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
    #11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
    #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
    . . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
    house.

    * * * * *


  • When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

    * * * * *


  • Love is never a scam.
    It's either you dating an idiot.
    Or you are the idiot.

    * * * * *


  • Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
    out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
    One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

    So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

    * * * * *


  • Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you’re an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!

    * * * * *


  • Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

    * * * * *


  • If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

    * * * * *



More idiot jokes on the following pages...