Hilarious jokes about AGE that will make your day 🤪!



People seemed older when they were the age we are now.

- Random starter age groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
    The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
    "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
    The social workers are finally satisfied.
    They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.

    * * * * *


  • Dad: "When I was your age I ran a maratho."
    Son: "You mean marathon?"
    Dad: "No, I didn't finish."

    * * * * *


  • Just got a letter from Screw Fix Direct this morning thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency!!

    * * * * *


  • My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

    * * * * *


  • "Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
    "Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

    Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

    "I wasn't talking about his age!"

    * * * * *



  • Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
    Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
    Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
    Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
    Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.
    Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).
    Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
    Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.
    Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.
    Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.
    Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
    Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
    Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.
    Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
    Hartig's How Is Good Old Bill? We're Divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
    Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
    Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
    Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
    Hartman's Automotive Laws:
    Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
    Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
    Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
    Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
    Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
    Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
    Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
    Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
    Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.
    Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]
    Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
    Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
    Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
    Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
    Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.
    Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
    Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
    Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
    Baggage Corollary: If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.
    Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
    Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.
    Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
    Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.
    Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
    Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
    Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

    * * * * *


  • There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

    * * * * *


  • My grandad asked me how to print on his computer.
    I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages. 👴

    * * * * *


  • A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
    He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

    Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

    He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

    After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

    Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

    The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

    Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

    When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

    He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

    Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

    Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

    * * * * *


  • Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
    John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
    Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
    Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
    Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
    Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
    Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
    Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
    Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
    Cartoon Laws
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
    Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
    Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
    Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
    Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
    Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
    Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
    Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
    Corollaries:
    When things just can't get any worse, they will.
    Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
    Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
    Corollaries:
    If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
    If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
    Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
    No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
    The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
    Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
    Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
    Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
    Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
    Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
    "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
    "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
    "I said it was a good idea all along."
    Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
    Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
    Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
    Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
    Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
    Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
    Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
    Cohen's Laws of Politics:
    Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
    Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
    Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
    Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
    Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
    Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
    Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
    Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
    Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
    Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
    Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
    Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
    Committee Rules:
    Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
    Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
    Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
    When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
    Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
    Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
    No action is without side-effects.
    Nothing ever goes away.
    There is no free lunch.
    Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
    Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
    Laws of computer programming
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    Any program will expand to fill available memory.
    The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
    Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
    Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
    First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
    Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
    Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
    Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
    Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
    Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
    Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
    Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
    Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
    Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
    Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
    Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
    Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
    Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
    The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
    The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
    All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
    The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
    Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
    Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
    Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
    Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
    Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
    Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
    Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
    Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
    Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
    Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
    Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
    Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
    Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

    * * * * *


  • Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
    Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
    Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
    Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
    Barber's Laws of Backpacking:
    The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
    Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
    The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
    The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
    The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
    The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
    The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
    The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
    When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
    If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
    The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
    Barrett's Laws of Driving:
    The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
    This lane ends in 500 feet.
    Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquility: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
    Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
    Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
    Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
    Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws:
    That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
    If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
    Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
    Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
    Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
    Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
    Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
    Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
    Berkeley's Laws:
    The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
    Ignorance is no excuse.
    Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
    An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
    A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
    A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
    Most general statements are false, including this one.
    An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
    The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
    If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
    Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
    Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
    Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
    Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
    A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
    Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
    Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
    Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
    Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
    Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
    Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
    Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
    Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
    Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
    Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.
    Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
    Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
    Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
    When in doubt, mumble.
    When in trouble, delegate.
    When in charge, ponder.
    Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
    Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
    Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
    Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
    Boyle's Laws:
    When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
    The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
    Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
    An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
    When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
    The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
    Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
    Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
    If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
    The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
    Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
    The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
    Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
    On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
    Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
    First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
    Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
    Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
    Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
    Brooks's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
    (Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
    (Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
    (Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
    Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
    Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
    Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
    Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
    Bureaucratic Cop-Out: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
    Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
    Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
    The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
    There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
    Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
    Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
    I'd rather go whoring than warring.
    History proves nothing.
    There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
    A little humility is arrogance.
    A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
    Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
    Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
    Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.

    * * * * *


  • One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Nicolas Cage just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

    * * * * *


  • What goes up but never comes down?
    Answer: Your age

    * * * * *


  • Why is a man like old age?
    They both come too soon.

    * * * * *


  • Q: What do you call a secret agent's minor assignment between major operations?
    A: An intermission.

    * * * * *


  • Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

    * * * * *


  • I hate it when people say age is only a number.

    Age is clearly a word. 😎

    * * * * *


  • Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
    symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
    world where we can all aspire to be gods.

    * * * * *


  • An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
    Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
    Sally said: "Finders keepers."
    She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
    The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
    Sally said: "No."
    Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
    Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
    The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
    One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
    Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
    The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

    * * * * *


  • I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

    * * * * *


  • A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

    * * * * *


  • I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
    But I was struggling to make hens meet.

    * * * * *


  • I joined a dating agency in Ukraine.
    Now I have a
    chick in Kiev.

    * * * * *


  • Then there was the woman who was cured of her nervousness in one treatment. The doctor told her it was a sign of old age.

    * * * * *


  • Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

    * * * * *


  • A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

    * * * * *


  • In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

    * * * * *


  • One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

    "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

    "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

    "That's a truly afwul behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

    The boys did what they were told and went to the San Lorenzo fuori Muri on Piazza San Lorenzo. After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they also knew where the man worked.

    * * * * *


  • - What shoes do secret agents wear?
    - Adidas Sneakers.

    * * * * *


  • Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Marie: What's that? Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Marie: Where did you get it? Edith: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

    * * * * *


  • Do you know how weird it is to be the same age as OLD people??

    * * * * *


  • My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

    * * * * *


  • I just banged my head.
    Took me ages to get that flexible.

    * * * * *


  • Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?
    All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

    * * * * *


  • I bought a suit of armour,
    Don't like to wear it though,
    It makes me look middle aged!

    * * * * *


  • The Manchester United team visited an orphanage today.
    "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Johnny, age 6.

    * * * * *


  • An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
    The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
    'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
    The old man answered:
    — 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
    Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
    Doctor:
    — 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
    — 'My father died ...?
    Who told you that he died???’
    Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
    — 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
    Doctor:
    —‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
    So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
    —‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
    Doctor (puzzled):
    —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
    What is his age .....? '
    — 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
    —‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
    Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
    because He is getting married today.’
    Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
    —‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
    — 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
    — 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
    — 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
    The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
    The clinic is closed.

    * * * * *


  • What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

    * * * * *


  • Didn't realise 35 is the max age someone can be circumcised. Apparently that's the cut off age!

    * * * * *


  • Technically, you can't date someone half your age till you're 36 years old.

    * * * * *


  • I'm at that age when an "all nighter" just means I didn't need to get up to pee.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
    A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

    * * * * *


  • An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

    He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that it is the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he also wants to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

    The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

    * * * * *


  • Too Much Sex;

    I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

    One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
    His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
    A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

    He looked over at the two young men and

    with the wisdom of years says:
    "Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

    * * * * *


  • My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

    "Look at what kids your age make in China!"

    * * * * *


  • Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

    * * * * *


  • Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

    “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

    “Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

    “That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

    “That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
    A: Because there were so many knights!

    * * * * *


  • What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

    He goes under cover.

    * * * * *


  • Middle age is when you finally get your head together
    and your body starts falling apart.

    * * * * *


  • What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

    * * * * *


  • When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
    This phenomenon is known as many paws.

    * * * * *


  • Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....
    feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

    * * * * *


  • "Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
    "Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

    Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

    "I wasn't talking about his age!"

    * * * * *


  • 60 years old Millionaire gets married
    A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

    His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

    “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

    His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

    "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

    * * * * *


  • It's probably my age that fools people into thinking I'm an adult.

    * * * * *


  • I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.
    They send me new matches every week.

    * * * * *


  • My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

    * * * * *


  • An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

    "Nobody move!"

    * * * * *


  • Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.

    * * * * *


  • Don't get weird about getting older! Age is simply the number of years the world has been enjoying us!

    * * * * *


  • My school was sponsored by IKEA.
    Assembly took ages.

    * * * * *


  • An old woman visits her doctor, complaining of back pain.
    The doctor tells her, "It's old age."

    The woman says to the doctor, "Well, I want a second opinion!"

    To which the doctor says, "Fine, you're ugly too!"

    * * * * *


  • I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

    * * * * *


  • Dictionary = Indicatory
    Dormitory = Dirty Room
    Election Results = Lies, Let's Recount!
    Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
    Evangelist = Evil's Agent

    * * * * *


  • How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

    * * * * *


  • I got an Egyptian mummy for Xmas. Took bloody ages to unwrap it!

    * * * * *


  • Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

    Officer: Age?

    Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

    Officer: Height?

    Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

    OFFICER : Weight?

    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    OFFICER : Color of eyes?

    Husband: Sort of brown I think.

    OFFICER : Color of hair?

    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

    OFFICER : What was she wearing?

    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband: She went in my truck.

    OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

    Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
    Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
    sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
    It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
    At this point the husband started choking up.

    OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

    * * * * *


  • I learned to dance at an early age. We only had one bathroom.

    * * * * *


  • The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

    * * * * *



More age jokes on the following pages...