Hilarious jokes about NOTHING that will make your day 🤪!



The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

- Random starter groaner about nothing from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • There is nothing better than a friend …unless it’s a friend with chocolate.

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  • I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during lockdown.
    It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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  • Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
    "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
    "Social Security sex?"
    "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

    * * * * *


  • An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
    As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
    The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
    Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
    The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

    * * * * *


  • “If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
    ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

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  • A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done!

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  • Taking nothing personal is self-care.

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  • 0 cannot be nothing cos 0 is 1.

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  • “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

    - Oscar Wilde

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  • Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
    Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

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  • The World Governments convinced the healthy they were sick.

    Next stop,

    To convince the World they'll own nothing and be happy.

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  • An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

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  • I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

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  • Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished !

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  • Twitter: because having nothing to say never stopped anyone.

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  • People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

    - Winnie the Pooh

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  • ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH.

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  • "To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
    Ernest Hemingway

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  • Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

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  • "Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

    Hayao Miyazaki

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  • My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.

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  • Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his keyboard, because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.

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  • If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.

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  • “We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life.”
    ~ P.D. James

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  • Do teeth taste like nothing or does your mouth just get used to the taste of your teeth ?

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  • Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..

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  • Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

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  • Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

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  • Auto correct ain't nothing to duck with.

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  • When I say "there is nothing to eat" I mean there is nothing I like.

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  • Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
    Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all.

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  • I have nothing to say to you. So leave a message.

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  • A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
    A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

    * * * * *


  • I had nothing to do and I wrote in front of the condo: "I slept with your wife!" Everyone got agitated.

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  • If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch.

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  • What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? Nothing other than letting out a little wine.

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  • “If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
    ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

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  • 3 guys on a boat with 4 cigars but nothing to light them with. So they throw 1 cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.

    * * * * *


  • I just put a stick in a non-stick pan, nothing happened.

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  • A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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  • “The most dangerous creation of any society is the man who has nothing to lose.”
    James Baldwin

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  • What do you get when you ask a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
    Three different answers.

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  • When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
    As an adult, you live for them.

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  • I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!

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  • “I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
    — Georgia O’Keeffe

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  • Nothing is impossible?

    I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now.

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  • I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT 🥴 how come?! I've got nothing to lose...

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  • To the lad who stole my weight loss pills...
    You'll have nothing to gain.

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  • There’s a nudist convention in town next week,
    I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

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  • My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar
    So I've grown a beard.

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  • Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it.
    I had nothing to wear.

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  • I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
    So I don't.

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  • I’m a mathematician but I hate negative numbers.

    I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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  • There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

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  • What did the judge say to the dentist?
    Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

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  • Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.
    Napoleon Bonaparte

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  • I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

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  • I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

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  • I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

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  • A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
    God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
    The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
    God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
    The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
    And God replies, “In a second.”

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  • To a great mind, nothing is little.
    • Sherlock Holmes

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  • The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

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  • My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

    I had nothing to play with.....

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  • A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

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  • I am looking to buy a lighthouse but nothing too flashy.

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  • Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

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  • The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat but thankfully nothing happened.

    Because Lisa Kudrow.

    * * * * *


  • " When i had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself."
    ~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes.

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  • It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

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  • I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
    I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

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More jokes about nothing on the following pages...