Hilarious jokes about SCHOOL that will make your day 🤪!



When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
"Cancer?"

"Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"

- Random starter school groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

    His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

    * * * * *


  • School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes.

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  • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

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  • What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.

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  • Q: Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
    A: Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

    * * * * *



  • Toto rentre à la maison après sa première journée à l’école primaire.
    La maman :
    -- Alors Toto, tu as appris beaucoup de choses aujourd’hui ?
    Toto :
    -- Pas assez en tout cas, ils veulent que j’y retourne demain.

    Toto comes home from his first day of elementary school.

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  • There was a kidnapping at school today

    But he woke up 😴

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  • Work vs Jail
    In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
    At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
    In prison they get three meals a day.
    At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
    In prison you get time off for good behavior.
    At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
    At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
    In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
    At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
    In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
    At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
    In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
    In prison they can watch TV and play games.
    At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
    At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
    In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
    At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
    In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
    At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
    In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
    At work you are just ball and chained.
    In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
    At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
    In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
    At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

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  • A lad says to his school teacher.
    Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
    The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

    * * * * *


  • A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
    He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

    Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

    He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

    After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

    Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

    The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

    Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

    When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

    He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

    Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

    Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

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  • Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
    John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
    Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
    Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
    Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
    Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
    Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
    Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
    Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
    Cartoon Laws
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
    Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
    Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
    Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
    Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
    Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
    Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
    Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
    Corollaries:
    When things just can't get any worse, they will.
    Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
    Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
    Corollaries:
    If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
    If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
    Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
    No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
    The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
    Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
    Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
    Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
    Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
    Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
    "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
    "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
    "I said it was a good idea all along."
    Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
    Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
    Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
    Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
    Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
    Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
    Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
    Cohen's Laws of Politics:
    Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
    Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
    Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
    Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
    Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
    Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
    Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
    Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
    Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
    Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
    Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
    Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
    Committee Rules:
    Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
    Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
    Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
    When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
    Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
    Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
    No action is without side-effects.
    Nothing ever goes away.
    There is no free lunch.
    Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
    Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
    Laws of computer programming
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    Any program will expand to fill available memory.
    The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
    Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
    Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
    First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
    Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
    Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
    Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
    Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
    Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
    Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
    Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
    Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
    Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
    Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
    Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
    Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
    Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
    The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
    The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
    All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
    The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
    Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
    Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
    Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
    Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
    Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
    Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
    Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
    Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
    Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
    Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
    Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
    Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
    Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

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  • What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
    Spelling! 😎

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  • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

    * * * * *


  • Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

    * * * * *


  • Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
    Albert Einstein

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  • Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

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  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

    It's okay, he woke up.

    * * * * *


  • I planted weed at school
    That's why they call it 'high school'

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  • An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
    Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
    Sally said: "Finders keepers."
    She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
    The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
    Sally said: "No."
    Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
    Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
    The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
    One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
    Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
    The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

    * * * * *


  • Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

    * * * * *


  • Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
    Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
    On asking why did he do that
    He told me ..
    ' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

    * * * * *


  • I was teased in middle school.
    They called me an elephant.
    I'll never forget that.

    * * * * *


  • The Fireman hired his high school flame as his secretary. After several heated arguments, he realized she wood knot be a good match, so he fired her.

    * * * * *


  • A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
    They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
    To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

    "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
    Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

    "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

    "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

    "Those are for married men…
    One for January, one for February, one For March.......

    * * * * *


  • Dad: Son did you hear about the kidnapping at the school.??
    Son: No what happened!
    Dad: The teacher woke him up.

    * * * * *


  • 4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
    No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
    No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
    No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
    No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
    Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

    * * * * *


  • My wife told me to get our 8 year old ready to go back to school.

    So I punched him and took all his lunch money.

    * * * * *


  • “I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.”

    * * * * *


  • My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

    * * * * *


  • Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

    * * * * *


  • A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy."
    The mother asked, "What did you do?"
    The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

    * * * * *


  • I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear that Clint Eastwood opened a preschool? It's called "Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center".

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  • Say what you want about pedofiles but, at least they drive slow through school zones.

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  • Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

    * * * * *


  • Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
    A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

    * * * * *


  • A policeman knocked on my door last night and said 'where were you between 4 and 6?', 'at primary school' I said.

    * * * * *


  • The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

    * * * * *


  • Little Johnny is always teased by the other boys at school for being stupid. Whenever they make fun of Johnny, the other boys will offer him a nickel or a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes a nickel, Johnny’s friend, Billy, pulls him aside and asks, “Johnny, don’t you know by now that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?” A smile slowly comes over Johnny’s face. “Well,” he says, “they’d stop doing it if I took the dime, and so far I’ve made 20 bucks!”

    * * * * *


  • Call me old school but I like a woman without a penis.

    * * * * *


  • A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
    "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get 50 cents out of you, I'll be doing great."
    "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
    "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
    "What are you studying in school?" asked Mr. Smith.
    The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

    * * * * *


  • I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, disordered eating, and psychosis—which are more friends than I had in elementary school.

    * * * * *


  • A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
    One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
    The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
    Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂

    * * * * *


  • I remember years ago telling my mom I’d won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school. “What’s that?” she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that’s not important right now”, I said...

    * * * * *


  • I couldn’t believe it today when i came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son isn’t actually mine..
    She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..

    * * * * *


  • As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

    * * * * *


  • Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

    "But that's right!"

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said!

    * * * * *


  • This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
    *Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
    *Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
    *Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
    *Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
    ... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
    *Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
    *Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
    *Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
    *Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

    * * * * *


  • A boy is struggling with his exams...
    He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
    "You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
    The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
    "I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
    "As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
    The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

    His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

    When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

    And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
    *"I should have studied!!!"*

    * * * * *


  • A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.

    I discovered that fact at my daughters school concert.

    * * * * *


  • At school I was rubbish at English but brilliant at Jograffy.

    * * * * *


  • My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

    Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

    * * * * *


  • A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
    The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

    The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

    * * * * *


  • My nickname at school was scarface
    I was brilliant at knitting.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
    A: Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

    * * * * *


  • Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school?
    A: History, because it's full of dates!

    * * * * *


  • A Member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

    * * * * *


  • I'm seeing a shrink because I keep beating myself up.
    Turns out my therapist is my old high school bully. He says he can help me with that.

    * * * * *


  • Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
    His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

    * * * * *


  • Why are fish so smart ?
    Because they swim in schools !

    * * * * *


  • Why do fish swim in schools?
    Because they can’t walk!

    * * * * *


  • Jews can’t handle positive reinforcement.
    In school they tried giving me a gold star. No way was I falling for that again.

    * * * * *


  • Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

    Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

    Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

    Patrick, “What school?”

    * * * * *


  • At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
    I loved that wheelchair.

    * * * * *


  • Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

    * * * * *


  • When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
    "Cancer?"

    "Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"

    * * * * *


  • My school was sponsored by IKEA.
    Assembly took ages.

    * * * * *


  • People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed...
    I'm not in middle school anymore.

    * * * * *


  • Dormitory = Dirty room
    School master = The classroom
    Conversation = Voices rant on
    Listen = Silent
    Astronomer = Moon starer

    * * * * *



More school jokes on the following pages...