300+ hilarious SEX jokes that will make your day 🤪!



After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says: “What an ass!”

- Random starter sexy groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • 3 necrophilliacs where talking About how long they prefer a person to be dead before they have sex with them. 1st guy," I like them to be fresh dead, yes." 2nd guy, " I like them 3 days dead, just stinking real bad." 3rd guy says, " I prefer 3 weeks dead." "Why?"
    the other 2 exclaim. "Because no matter where I poke, I get penetration!

    * * * * *


  • The comma sutra makes grammar sexy.

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  • La inactividad sexual es peligrosa... ¡Produce cuernos! (Will Smith).

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  • Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A NOVEL IS HOMOSEXUAL?
    A: The hero always gets his man in the end.

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  • Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
    Me: That's a lot of sex

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  • A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
    They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
    say the following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
    together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
    come
    again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
    In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
    lives, "
    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."

    * * * * *


  • One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

    * * * * *


  • What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
    Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

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  • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
    Call and tell her about it.

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  • How is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

    * * * * *


  • Está la alta sociedad de Bogotá en un coctel. De pronto entran 20 guerrilleros disparando y diciendo:
    —¡Al suelo, partida de homosexuales y mujeres de la calle!
    Entonces todos los Pombo y Urrutia, ala, se lanzan al piso en plancha, aterrorizados. El jefe guerrillero ve al fondo del salón un tipo de smoking con el whisky en la mano, tomándose un trago tranquilamente. Se acerca a él furioso y le dice:
    —¿Qué hace ahí parado?
    El hombre responde mientras mira a sus amigos en el piso:
    —Pues ala, ¡yo aquí aterrado, aterrado, con estas amistades!

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  • If you are arguing with your sex partner , you're actually wasting your fucking time.

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  • Masturbation is a touchy subject but oral sex is just a matter of taste.

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  • I was sexually active at 12.

    It’s now 12:19 and my arm is killing me.

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  • My wife is a sex object-- Every time I ask for sex-- she objects.

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  • If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand ? 😎

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  • Just imagine, if Covid 19 was transmitted sexually nobody would be giving a fuck! 🤦‍♂️

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  • What is the best thing about sex in the bible?
    A second cumming. 💑

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  • (her during sex): call me names
    (me, panicking): you like that, names? 😎

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  • I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
    I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
    And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

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  • I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.🤗

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  • I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room.
    I said, “I’m Indiana Jones, get out!”

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  • A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

    Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

    Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

    Why are you scrolling down?
    It's your turn to speak. 🤗

    * * * * *


  • A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

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  • Having sex with a depressed person is necrophilia. Cause we're dead inside. 😉

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  • A Dentist Was Caught Having Sex With His Patient.
    Next Day The Newspaper Headlines Were.
    Dentist Caught Filling The Wrong Hole! 🔞

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  • Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

    The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

    The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

    The third woman says "I'm Catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method."

    "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

    "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the buckets out from under him."

    * * * * *


  • Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.'' 👧

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  • When asked if they would have sex with Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

    * * * * *


  • The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Jonny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?” and the teacher fainted. 😁

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  • What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

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  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake. 🍰

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  • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
    Call and tell her about it. 📞

    * * * * *


  • What did the leper say to the sex worker?
    Keep the tip. 🤪

    * * * * *


  • A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

    * * * * *


  • I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
    She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
    I said, "Wow!"
    Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

    * * * * *


  • A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

    * * * * *


  • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

    * * * * *


  • A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

    * * * * *


  • A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

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  • Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
    A: They both hate pussy!

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  • Q: What is the different between a basketball and a sex?
    A: The basketball dribble first then shoot while the sex shoot first then dribble… 🏀

    * * * * *


  • Why are men so smart during sex?
    Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
    Slow.

    * * * * *


  • How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
    He's breathing.

    * * * * *


  • The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today.
    His wife is taking it really hard.

    * * * * *


  • I met a sexy electrician!
    She LED me on,
    and I couldn't resistor.

    * * * * *


  • Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

    * * * * *


  • 3 people having sex is a 3some.
    2 people having sex is a 2some.
    So would 1 person having sex be handsome ?

    * * * * *


  • The sexual position called 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

    * * * * *


  • Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me .
    Will I need a safe word ?

    Police: the fuck is wrong with you ?

    * * * * *


  • How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Sex.

    * * * * *


  • Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

    * * * * *


  • A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she asked if she could massage and rub his testicles. She told him it was something she really loved and wanted to do. So she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles, and he was loving every moment. He could not believe his luck, as no other girlfriend had ever wanted to pleasure him like this! As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love rubbing testicles so much?” Because, she replied, “I miss mine!”

    * * * * *


  • A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
    Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
    Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
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    Why are you scrolling down, it's your turn to speak....lol

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  • A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
    She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
    At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
    "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
    "OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

    * * * * *


  • I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

    * * * * *


  • Anal sex is keeping my wife really fit..
    Everytime I mention it she runs a fucking mile!!..

    * * * * *


  • A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
    It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
    "Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
    "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
    The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
    The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
    His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
    After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
    "Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

    * * * * *


  • My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

    * * * * *


  • A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

    * * * * *


  • At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
    gentleman and an elderly lady
    struck up a conversation and discovered that
    they both loved to fish.
    Since both of them were widowed,
    they decided to go fishing together the next day.
    The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
    headed to the river to his fishing boat and
    started out on their adventure.
    They were riding down the river when there was a
    fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
    'Do you want to go up or down?'
    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
    and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
    right there in the boat !
    When they finished, the man couldn't believe
    what had just happened, but he had just experienced
    the best sex that he'd had in years.
    They fished for a while and continued on down the
    river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
    river.
    He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
    There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
    and made wild passionate love to him again.
    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
    he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
    She said yes and there they were the next day,
    riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
    river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
    The woman replied, 'Down.'
    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
    guided the boat down the river when he came upon
    another fork in the river and he asked the
    lady,'Up or down ?'
    She replied, 'Up.'
    This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
    'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
    you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
    passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
    She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
    my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
    fuck or drown.

    * * * * *


  • Masturbation is a touchy subject. But oral sex is a matter of taste.

    * * * * *


  • I am tired of oral sex jokes.
    They are too hard to swallow.

    * * * * *


  • After sex dudes always ask did you cum?
    Yeah bitch to the wrong house...pass me my damn panties.

    * * * * *


  • Condom marketing at it's best !!
    (Hilarious) 10 funny condom slogans:
    1. If you're nude, tube your dude!
    2. Don't be silly. Protect your willy!
    3. Wrap your tool, to catch the drool!
    4. Cover your hose, then curl her toes!
    5. Wrap your stump before you hump!
    6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!
    7. If you think its funky, cover your monkey!
    8. Don't make a mistake. Cover your snake!
    9. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
    10. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it!

    * * * * *


  • My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.
    She takes it up the arse now.

    * * * * *


  • The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
    The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
    The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
    The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
    the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

    * * * * *


  • Two cowboys talking about sex one says " what's your favorite position " 1st one says rodeo position" 2nd one says never heard of that what is it " well you get the wife to get down on all fours mount her from behind reach round and cup her tits and whisper these feel almost like your sisters then try and hold on for 30seconds.

    * * * * *


  • An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
    As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
    The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
    Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
    The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

    * * * * *



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