The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.
Like I've got time for that during conker season.
- Random starter time groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.
I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.
* * * * *
„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
* * * * *
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
* * * * *
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TO MUCH:
1~ We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2~ We believe that dancing with our arms overhead,wiggling our butt while yelling woohoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3~ In our last trip to pee,we realize that we now look like a homeless hooker then the goddess we were just 4 hours ago.
4~We start crying and telling everyone we see-that we love them so much.
5~ We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god! I love that song!"
6~ We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
7~ We yell at the bartender who we believe cheated us by giving us just juice.But that's because we can no longer taste the alcohol.
8~ We think we are in bed. But our pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor or toilet or kitchen floor or mop.
9~ We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
10~ We take off our shoes because we believe it's their fault that were having issues walking straight.
* * * * *
Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.
* * * * *
IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think.
Idea Formula: One man's brain plus one other will produce about one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many.
The Ike Tautology: Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.
Corollary: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Iles's Law: There is an easier way to do it. Corollaries:
When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
Imhoff's Law: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.
Index of Development: The degree of a country's development is measured by the ratio of the price of an automobile to the cost of a haircut. The lower the ratio, the higher the degree of development.
Law of the Individual: Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
Laws of Institutional Food:
Everything is cold except what should be.
Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
Law of Institutions: The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them what has -- gets. Wakefield's Refutation of the Iron Law of Distribution: Them what gets -- has.
Issawi's Law of Aggression: At any given moment, a society contains a certain amount of accumulated and accruing aggressiveness. If more than 21 years elapse without this aggressiveness being directed outward, in a popular war against other countries, it turns inward, in social unrest, civil disturbances, and political disruption.
Issawi's Laws of Committo-Dynamics:
Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.
Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil: The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution in one direction -- for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment -- is accompanied by an increase in another, e.g., crime or air pollution.
Issawi's Law of Consumption Patterns: Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are highly irrational and slightly immoral.
Issawi's Law of Cynics: Cynics are right nine times out of ten; what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times out of ten.
Issawi's Law of Dogmatism: When we call others dogmatic, what we really object to is their holding dogmas that are different from our own.
Issawi's Law of Estimation of Error: Experts in advanced countries underestimate by a factor of 2 to 4 the ability of people in underdeveloped countries to do anything technical.
Issawi's Law of Frustration: One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. The Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction. The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car . . . If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider.
Issawi's Law of the Social Sciences: By the time a social science theory is formulated in such a way that it can be tested, changing circumstances have already made it obsolete.
Issawi's Observation on the Consumption of Paper: Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of paper: in socialist societies by filling large forms in quadruplicate, in capitalist societies by putting up huge posters and wrapping every article in four layers of cardboard.
First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Italian Proverb: She who is silent consents.
* * * * *
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
* * * * *
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.
Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).
Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.
Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.
Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartig's How Is Good Old Bill? We're Divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Hartman's Automotive Laws:
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]
Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.
Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
Baggage Corollary: If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.
Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.
Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
* * * * *
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"
* * * * *
Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Galbraith's Law of Prominence: Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.
Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.
Laws of Gardening:
Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
Gardner's Rule of Society: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.
Law of Generalizations: All generalizations are false.
Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
Getty's Reminder: The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability (see also Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming):
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise -- which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
Gilmer's Motto for Political Leadership: Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.
Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
Ehrman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:
Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?
Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Godin's Law: Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy.
Golden Principle: Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
(Bill) Gold's Law: A column about errors will contain errors.
(Vic) Gold's Law: The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do better than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom:
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
The effort requires to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
The 19 Rules for good Riting:
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
Goodfader's Law: Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.
Goodin's Law of Conversions: The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryophytic Systems: While bryophytic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We conclude therefore that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Corollary (Rutgers): Generally the subjective value assignable to avian lifeforms, when encountered and considered within the confines of certain orders of woody plants lacking true meristematic dominance, as compared to a possible valuation of these same lifeforms when in the grasp of -- and subject to control by -- the manipulative bone/muscle/nerve complex typically terminating the forelimb of a member of the species homo sapiens (and possibly direct precursors thereof) is approximately five times ten to the minus first power.
Goulden's Law of Jury Watching: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.
If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.
Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks: Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.
Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.
Rule of the Great: When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.
Greenberg's First Law of Influence: Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Greenhaus's Summation: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Gresham's Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.
Grosch's Law: Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.
Gross's Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Gummidge's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Gumperson's Proof: The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).
Guthman's Law of Media: Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.
* * * * *
Did you know ?
If you press on the gas and the brake pedals at the same time your car will take a screenshot !
* * * * *
If there isn't a law, there will be.
The number of errors in any piece of writing rises in proportion to the writer's reliance on secondary sources.
Fairfax's Law: Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
Farber's First Law: Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
Farber's Second Law: A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in different directions.
Farber's Fourth Law: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Farrow's Finding: If God had intended for us to go to concerts, He would have given us tickets.
Law of Fashion: Any given dress is: indecent 10 years before its time, daring 1 year before its time, chic in its time, dowdy 3 years after its time, hideous 20 years after its time, amusing 30 years after its time, romantic 100 years after its time, and beautiful 150 years after its time.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Fetridge's Law: Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking.
Fett's Law of the Lab: Never replicate a successful experiment.
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
Finagle's Creed: Science is Truth. Don't be misled by fact.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law: No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries:
No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Law According to Niven: The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.
Finagle's Laws of Information:
The information you have is not what you want.
The information you want is not what you need.
The information you need is not what you can obtain.
The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Finagle's Rules: Ever since the first scientific experiment, man has been plagued by the increasing antagonism of nature. It seems only right that nature should be logical and neat, but experience has shown that this is not the case. A further series of rules has been formulated, designed to help man accept the pigheadedness of nature.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Always verify your witchcraft.
Be sure to obtain meteorological data before leaving on vacation.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Fishbein's Conclusion: The tire is only flat on the bottom.
Fitz-Gibbon's Law: Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.
Flap's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.
Ford Pinto Rule: Never buy a car that has a wick.
Fortis's Three Great Lies of Life:
Money isn't everything.
It's great to be a Negro.
I'm only going to put it in a little way.
Three Lies According to Playboy:
The check's in the mail.
Anticipation is half the fun.
I promise I won't come in your mouth.
Hare's Additional Lie: This will hurt me more than it hurts you. Lowry's Additional Lie: I've never done this before.
Foster's Law: If you cover a congressional committee on a regular basis, they will report the bill on your day off.
Fowler's Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.
Fowler's Note: The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
Frankel's Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
Corollary: Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable Higher Reason.
Franklin's Observation: He that lives upon Hope dies farting.
Franklin's Rule: Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.
Freemon's Rule: Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.
Fried's Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Laws of the Frisbee:
The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")
Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Frothingham's Fallacy: Time is money.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's Law: It goes in -- it must come out.
Funkhouser's Law of the Power of the Press: The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamor that brought it on.
Futility Factor (Carson's Consolation): No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).
Fyffe's Axiom: The problem-solving process will always break down at the point at which it is possible to determine who caused the problem.
* * * * *
My wife is a sex object-- Every time I ask for sex-- she objects.
* * * * *
What time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve. 👩🦰
* * * * *
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's time consuming. ⏰
* * * * *
Are people born with photographic memories, or do they take time to develop ? 🎞
* * * * *
Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
* * * * *
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. 📆
* * * * *
Just heard on the TV that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..
Not surprised really, can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🙊🙉🙈
* * * * *
I just ate a clock. It was time consuming. 🧭
* * * * *
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." 🐩
* * * * *
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
Edington's Theory: The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.
Law of Editorial Correction: Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?
Eliot's Observation: Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
Ellenberg's Theory: One good turn gets most of the blanket.
Emerson's Insight: That which we call sin in others is experiment for us.
Old Engineer's Law: The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.
The "Enough Already" Law: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle: In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($). 1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed. 3) If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definte amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. 4) If one is lucky enough to be able to accurately define all three parameters, then what one is dealing with is not in the realm of R & D.
Epstein's Law: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.
Evans's Law of Politics: When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.
Evelyn's Rules for Bureaucratic Survival:
A bureaucrat's castle is his desk . . . and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either.
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm. The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary: Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone . . . not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.
Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.
Eve's Discovery: At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits is the one not on sale.
Adam's Corollary: It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain -- it doesn't fit.
Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
First Law of Expert Advice: Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
* * * * *
A guy travels into town and notices a sign up in his local gunsmiths. It reads “Hunting season now open”.
Excited, he jumps back in his truck and heads home.
He shouts to his wife that he’s going hunting, and after loading up his truck with what he needs, he drives off to the forest.
After a couple of hours he brings his truck to a stop on top of a hill.... the perfect spot he thinks.
He gets out and uses his binoculars to scan the surrounding area. After a while, he spots a huge grizzly bear on the next hill.
He goes to the trunk and pulls out his 22 calibre rifle. He peers through the scope at the bear and squeezes the trigger. His rifle cracks and he watches the bear fall and roll back down the hill into the bushes.
Excited.... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bear goes to work.
After around an hour, the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, his ass aching.... and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“Right you motherfucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his 308... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BANG!!” Again.... he sees the bear fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He yells.... still limping, he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard this time” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear again shaking its head.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice again.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Still aching.... but again knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bends over.
An hour later.... and the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, tears streaming down his face . and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“This time you sick fucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his elephant gun..... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BOOOOOM”... he sees the bear flip into the air, fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He cries and again... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
Again he searches around... “I know I got that bastard this time” .....when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
The bear winks at him and says.... “you’re not really here for the shooting are you?”
* * * * *
An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?" The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."
* * * * *
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.
He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
* * * * *
Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.
Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.
They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart. Of course like any decent gentleman he chose not to embarrass himself and hold it in. But he failed and it came out almost instantly.
"Max, get out of here right now!" His girlfriend said. Max was her dog that was sitting just beside their table.
Bart was relieved that she thought it was the dog that farted! Looks like he got away this time.
Now Max the obedient boy that he is, went straight under the table, girlfrien.. let's just call her Annie from now, just ignored him and continued on their date.
About 5 minutes have passed and Bart had the urge to fart again. He's not called Farty Bart for nothing.
This time it was one of those farts that are labeled "silent but deadly" Bart wanted to be sneaky and just let it out without a sound, praying Annie wouldn't notice.
Again, he failed.
Annie noticed the absurd smell immediately.
Again she said "Max, get out of here i said!"
Again Max didn't bat an eye and just stayed there.
Bart, again relieved that he got away because of his now best friend Max, is... well about to fart again.
This fart was one of those "big ones" you know the one the you know is gonna be bad... like really bad
He tried to hold it in, his face began to turn red, he sweated a lot, he was like having this spiritual battle... with his fart.
And then alas, he failed.
The fart came out in all of it's glory, probably filling the whole room!
Now Annie was full of it, she couldn't stand it, Max had to go.
Annie stood up and said "Max! If you don't get out of here right now you're gonna get shat on!"
* * * * *
A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
* * * * *
Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.
Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.
But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.
Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.
But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.
As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.
This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...
The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.
The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."
The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."
* * * * *
Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.
They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”
Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”
* * * * *
A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...
After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.
"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are able to help me reduce it."
"I know someone who can," replied the old man. "See, I was once in your shoes and had a 25 inch penis. Doctors couldn't help me either. Then one day as I sat at the lake pondering suicide, a frog hopped up on a lily pad and told me that if I asked him to marry me, that 5 inches would disappear from my penis. I know, it sounds absurd. But damn if it didn't work. You should go see him."
So the man goes to the local lake and sure enough finds the frog sitting on a lily pad. 'Here goes nothing...'
"Frog...will you marry me?"
"No," said the frog.
POOF!! 5 inches disappeared from his penis.
"WOW! It actually works! Frog....will you marry me?"
"No," replied the frog.
POOF!! Another 5 inches disappears. The man now has a 15 inch penis and thought that if he could just lose 5 more inches, he might just be able to take a woman to bed or even star in a porn flick. "I'll ask just one more time and walk away happy with a 10 inch penis."
So he asked the frog one more time. "Frog...will you marry me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you??? NO, NO, NO!!!"
* * * * *
My town’s population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
* * * * *
Darrow's Observation: History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Darwin's Observation: Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Dave's Law of Advice: Those with the best advice offer no advice.
Dave's Rule of Street Survival: Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
Davidson's Maxim: Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Davis's Basic Law of Medicine: Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.
Deadlock's Law: If the law-makers make a compromise, the place where it will be felt most is the taxpayer's pocket.
Corollary: The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.
Dean's Law of the District of Columbia: Washington is a much better place if you are asking questions rather than answering them.
First Law of Debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Decaprio's Rule: Everything takes more time and money.
Deitz's Law of Ego: The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee.
Dennis's Principles of Management by Crisis:
To get action out of management, it is necessary to create the illusion of a crisis in the hope it will be acted upon.
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises. It will then over-react.
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis.
The squeaky hinge gets the oil.
Dhawan's Laws for the Non-Smoker:
The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.
The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette is directly proportional to the number of non-smokers in the vicinity.
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section.
The life of a cigarette is directly proportional to the intensity of the protests from non-smokers.
Dieter's Law: Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Dijkstra's Prescription for Programming Inertia: If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better not start writing it.
Diogenes's First Dictum: The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed.
Diogenes's Second Dictum: If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
Don't get mad -- get even.
Principle of Displaced Hassle: To beat the bureaucracy, make your problem their problem.
Donohue's Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
Laws of Dormitory Life:
The amount of trash accumulated within the space occupied is exponentially proportional to the number of living bodies that enter and leave within any given amount of time.
Since no matter can be created or destroyed (excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i.e., trash) from one's living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume.
Corollary: Dust breeds.
The odds are 6:5 that if one has late classes, one's roommate will have the earliest possible classes.
Corollary 1: One's roommate (who has early classes) has an alarm clock that is louder than God's own.
Corollary 2: When one has an early class, one's roommate will invariably enter the space late at night and suddenly become hyperactive, ill, violent, or all three.
Douglas's Law of Practical Aeronautics: When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.
Dow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
Dror's First Law: While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometric rate, the knowledge and manpower qualified to deal with these problems tend to increase linearly.
Dror's Second Law: While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to use those capacities remain the same.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Dude's Law of Duality: Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Dunne's Law: The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
Dunn's Discovery: The shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment one puts a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency.
Durant's Discovery: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Durrell's Parameter: The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
Dyer's Law: A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
* * * * *
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 🍺
* * * * *
Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
"It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
"It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
"I said it was a good idea all along."
Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
Cohen's Laws of Politics:
Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
No action is without side-effects.
Nothing ever goes away.
There is no free lunch.
Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of computer programming
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.
* * * * *
Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚
* * * * *
Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside
* * * * *
Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking:
The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barrett's Laws of Driving:
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.
Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquility: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws:
That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.
Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brooks's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
(Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.
* * * * *
“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson
* * * * *
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🐒
* * * * *
A very obese man goes to a nude beach he is walking up and down the shore line when a man approaches him and asks him hey man when is the last time you saw your dick??? The obese man replies shit man it's been years...with out batting an eye the man says why don't you diet...the obese man says why what color is it now???
* * * * *
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂
* * * * *
The Women's Dictionary
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
* * * * *
As a lumberjacks I cut 2457 trees.
I know because every time I cut one I keep a Log.
* * * * *
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
* * * * *
A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way...the sign read:
She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.
"Repairs in progress, please use rear entrance”😆😆😆😆
* * * * *
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
* * * * *
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time no sea!
* * * * *
A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
* * * * *
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
* * * * *
Q: what does a woman & Kentucky fried chicken have in common?
A: By the time your finished with the breast and thighs, all u have left is the greasy box to put the bone in!
* * * * *
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
* * * * *
There was a lady and husband that decided to try making love in their backyard. When the lady opened her legs a bee flew into her vagina. So they went to the Dr to have it removed. The Dr said oh no problem sir if it'ss okay with you I will put honey on my penis, and pull out and the bee will be out. After a period of time had passed the husband noticed the Dr was enjoying himself, the husband said hey what are you doing you seem to really be enjoying yourself and the bee has not come out either. The Dr. Turned to the man and said I'm going for plan B I'm gonna drown the little bastard.
* * * * *
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.
* * * * *
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "YUP, it is" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You IDIOT! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!".
* * * * *
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God
* * * * *
The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"
* * * * *
Each time you light your lighter it gets lighter and lighter until it’s so light it won’t light.
* * * * *
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
* * * * *
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.
* * * * *
A man went to his doctor with an unusual issue.
"Every time I pass gas, it sounds like ‘Honda," he said.
The doctor frowned and shook his head.
“I can’t help you, but I know who can,” the doctor said. He made me an appointment with a Chinese dentist.
A couple of days later, unsure what kind of help a Chinese doctor would be for his embarrassing problem, the man showed up for the appointment.
“Open up your mouth and let me look at your teeth,” the Chinese doctor told him.
Seconds later, he said, “Ah, so! Here’s problem. You have abscess!”
“What possibly could an abscess have to do with making my fart sound like Honda?” the man asked.
The dentist replied; "Have you not heard old Chinese proverb -- 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda'? "
* * * * *
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
* * * * *
My first time on an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time really let me down.
* * * * *
25 PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
* * * * *
Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.
* * * * *
Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!
* * * * *
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
* * * * *
I accidentally cut my wrist at work today... so I put my watch on covering the cut because time heals all wounds.
* * * * *
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
* * * * *
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
* * * * *
Irish they’d use birth control in Ireland. Lass time I checked their population was Dublin.
* * * * *