Hilarious quotes and jokes about LIFE that will make your day 🤪!



There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

- Random starter life groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.

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  • Sometimes when I have my life together, I sit back and think to myself "Now, that was a great 45 seconds."

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  • Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

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  • BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

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  • Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

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  • Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

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  • How is life like a penis?
    Your girlfriend makes it hard.

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  • Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
    They both have a black eye.
    One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
    “Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
    How’d you get your shiner?”
    The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

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  • The son of the absurdly rich oil magnate had lived his entire life in extreme prosperity. His father did not want him to be too spoiled. So when the son went to the US for university, he decided that he would be driven by their chauffeur in a Tesla.

    After the son had been in the USA for a month, the great El-Ali received his first letter from his son: "This place is lovely, the people are nice, the teachers are magnificent and I have never had so many friends. However, there is one thing that is somewhat embarrassing to me. While everyone of my friends arrive at Uni by train, I'm being driven in a Tesla."

    The son promptly received his response: "Dear beloved son, I'm happy that you are thriving and I look forward to seeing your friends. Your mother and I will soon visit, and we have discussed this 'embarrassing' situation. No son of the great El-Ali should feel embarrassed amongst his friends. Tell me what kind of train your friends are riding and I shall buy you one!"

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  • Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

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  • How is life like toilet paper? 🧻
    You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

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  • My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
    I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

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  • Life is like a dick.
    It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

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  • There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
    Before marriage, and after marriage. 💍💒

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  • It's called the circle of life cause it has no point.

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  • Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

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  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

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  • So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

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  • The life of a driller is boring.

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  • My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.
    She takes it up the arse now.

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  • Can't believe that I've just finished my degree in Archeology!
    My life is in ruins now !!

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  • What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
    -George Eliot

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  • I sleep with life and death in the same bed.
    — Bob Dylan

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  • Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight its because you are drunk.

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  • A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
    "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
    Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
    After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
    After a few minutes the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

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  • A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.
    During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.
    The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.
    He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!
    "What happened!" screamed the nurse.
    "I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

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  • Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
    The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

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  • An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

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  • If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have no sex life at all.

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  • Life is like a box of chocolates; it ends sooner for fat people.

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  • A young Newfoundland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
    "I see," the captain says.
    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Bell Island Ferry."

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  • *Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

    *Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

    *Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

    *Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

    *Hotline*: How close are you to India?

    *Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

    *Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

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  • The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
    The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
    The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
    The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
    The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
    The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
    The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

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  • yesterday i changed a light bulb , crossed the road and walked into a bar ..... My life is a joke.

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  • This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
    *Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
    *Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
    *Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
    *Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
    ... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
    *Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
    *Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
    *Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
    *Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

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  • Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

    Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

    Husband: Yes

    Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

    Husband: Yes

    Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

    Husband: Yes

    Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?

    Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

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  • Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

    She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.

    Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.

    Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"

    To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."

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  • A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

    "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

    "Is that you, Frank?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

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  • After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
    ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

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  • An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
    The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
    'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
    The old man answered:
    — 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
    Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
    Doctor:
    — 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
    — 'My father died ...?
    Who told you that he died???’
    Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
    — 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
    Doctor:
    —‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
    So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
    —‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
    Doctor (puzzled):
    —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
    What is his age .....? '
    — 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
    —‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
    Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
    because He is getting married today.’
    Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
    —‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
    — 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
    — 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
    — 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
    The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
    The clinic is closed.

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  • All his life Karl Marx only drank lemon tea.
    He considered all Proper-tea to be theft.

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  • Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

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  • My husband thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I Suppose.

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  • Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
    "Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
    Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
    She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
    She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

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  • My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...
    .. so I plugged out his life support

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  • I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

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  • What's the difference between single life and married life?
    When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

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  • The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard.
    I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.

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  • Cyclops is searching for vacation places.
    Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

    Wife: well, you need 2 i's

    Cyclops: my life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda?

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  • You eat sausages your whole life but you refuse vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.

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  • Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

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  • A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
    As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

    One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

    One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.

    One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.

    The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.

    He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....

    He picked the one with the biggest tits.

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  • Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

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  • It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.
    I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

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  • Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing.

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  • Why was the circle depressed?
    She thought its life was pointless.

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  • Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life ?
    The Doctor only gave him 4 !

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  • A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

    I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

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  • “Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”
    —Carl Jung

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  • Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

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  • Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

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  • Life Pro Tip:
    Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…

    You'll get quacks in the pavement!

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  • Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.

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  • Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

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  • The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
    The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
    The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
    The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
    The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

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  • Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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  • Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

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  • Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
    A: They know how to stay positive.

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  • King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

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  • I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.

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More life quotes and jokes on the following pages...