Hilarious jokes about MURDER and KILL that will make your day 🤪!



someone: so what are your skills?

me: making bad decisions.

- Random starter kill groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • My mate Col got killed by a cabbage someone threw out an appartment window.Its now a criminal offence. Cols law.

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  • Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

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  • What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
    A share riff.

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  • We have been married a long time, but we don’t complete each other’s sentences. If she does a murder, she’s doing the whole stretch.

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  • Q: What do you call it when a Chickpea is murdered?
    A: Hummuside.

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  • I was sexually active at 12.

    It’s now 12:19 and my arm is killing me.

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  • What did our parents do to kill boredom before social media?
    I asked my 23 brothers and sisters and they don't know either..

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  • HR: Can you give me an example of your problem solving skills
    Me: I was fired from my last job and now I'm applying for this one.

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  • What’s green and brown has 6 legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

    A snooker table. 🎱

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  • Murder Hornets are a Russian Hoax;

    It's a Cagey Bee! 🐝

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  • Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

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  • Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
    This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

    Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

    But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

    Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

    But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

    As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

    This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

    The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

    The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

    The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

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  • You can kill a man but you can't kill an idea.

    You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy.

    You made your bed, now lie in it. 🛌

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  • There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
    He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
    He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
    Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
    He made it out, but a single person died.
    Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
    He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
    When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
    After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
    The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
    The man was perfectly fine.
    Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
    And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
    Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
    Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
    The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
    For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
    After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
    The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
    Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
    And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
    To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
    And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
    On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
    "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
    Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
    The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
    The executioner was speechless.
    The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

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  • Did Cain kill his brother because he was Abel to? 😏

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  • Birthdays are nice and everything.
    But too many will kill you.

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  • A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
    certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

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  • A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
    certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

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  • Do you think centaurs have good horsemanship skills?

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  • What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
    A share riff.

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  • I read that you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack. So I guess you’d better watch your ass.

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  • A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

    One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

    she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

    Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

    'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

    'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

    a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

    So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

    window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

    discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

    so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

    Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

    as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

    been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

    run in the nude?' one asked.

    'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

    Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your

    clothes with you under your arm?'

    'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

    dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

    always wear a condom when you run?'

    'Nope.. just when it's raining.'

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  • How did the Beatles’ new skillet introduce himself to them?
    “I am the egg pan.”

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  • Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
    She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
    Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
    Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
    Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
    Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

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  • The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide....

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  • If you're being chased by a serial killer, bo.th of you are running for your life.

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  • I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
    It's definitely going to spice up my autobiography a little.

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  • One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

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  • I don't know where I stand on abortion. I mean, I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.

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  • A Jew walks onto a bus, holding a large duffle bag. He asks for senior discount, even though he looked like a man in his early 40s. The driver asks for ID, the Jew complains and refuses to pay full fare. They start arguing, both too stubborn to give in. In a rage, the driver throws the Jew’s duffle bag off the bus, and the bag tumbles down a hill. The Jew shouts “Oy Vey! Just because I don't want to pay full fare you try to kill my son?!“

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  • I went into Sainsbury's this morning and picked up a can of fly spray.

    I asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

    And she replied, "No, it kills them."

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  • Do y'all know how much coke Charlie Sheen did? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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  • Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens?
    While out feeding them he asked "Who is your favorite composer?"
    All the chickens responded "Bach, Bach, Bach."

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  • Cigarette companies kill their best customers and Condom companies prevent their future customers from even being born.

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  • Cop: The murder weapon fell into a puddle of cement. We now have concrete evidence.

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  • Juicy Proverbs
    ● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
    ● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
    ● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
    ● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
    ● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.
    ● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
    ● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
    ● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.
    ● Men play the game. Women know the score.
    ● Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
    ● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks
    ● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
    ● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
    ● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
    ● Here is the definition of divorce, she gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
    ● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    ● Confucius say man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.
    ● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

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  • Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it.

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  • Yo momma is like a cigarette, I have her 40 times a day and she's killing me.

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  • Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
    He had loco motives.

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  • A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
    with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He
    responded. "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
    replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He
    responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!

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  • Did you hear about the wedding photographer who was killed when he was crushed by an enormous block of cheese? To be fair, the entire group of posing guests did try to warn him.

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  • My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
    1. Murderer
    2. The police telling me everyone is dead
    3. The book I ordered about positive thinking.

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  • bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
    bird detective: any murder weapons?
    bird cop: just one stone
    bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

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  • My parking skills are unparalleled.

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  • my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.

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  • A General was visiting the troops at the battlefront.
    As he walked along the battle line inspecting the soldiers, a sniper bullet whistled overhead.
    "What the devil was that?" he roared.
    "It's an enemy sniper, Sir", they answered.
    "He's been shooting at us for about two weeks.We know exactly where he is."
    "Well, why the hell don't you send someone out to kill him?"
    "Sir, if we did that, they might replace him with someone who could shoot straight."

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  • Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

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  • Q: How do you kill a hipster?
    A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.

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  • A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
    Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

    Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

    While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
    "I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
    Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



    God replied:

    "I didn't recognize you!"

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  • Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?
    It kills the conversation.

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  • A farmer was on his death bed
    He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.

    1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$

    2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.

    3rd son as going to the market met a girl
    the girl told him if you give me your duck I will let you make love to me so he did after making love the girl was so happy she told him if he makes love to her again she will give the duck back to him,so he did but after that he got weak, then he proceeded to sell his duck while on the way a car knocked him over and the duck got killed. He got up and cleaned his clothes the car driver apologized to him and gave him 20$ for the dead duck.
    All three sons went back to home and father asked them about the duck,

    1st son told he sold the duck for 10$,

    2nd son told he sold the duck for 15$.

    So the father asked the 3rd son,
    well 'said the 3rd son'

    I got a fuck for a duck

    Then I got a duck for a fuck and

    I got 20$ for the fucked up duck.

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  • An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
    The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
    'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
    The old man answered:
    — 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
    Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
    Doctor:
    — 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
    — 'My father died ...?
    Who told you that he died???’
    Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
    — 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
    Doctor:
    —‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
    So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
    —‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
    Doctor (puzzled):
    —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
    What is his age .....? '
    — 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
    —‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
    Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
    because He is getting married today.’
    Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
    —‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
    — 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
    — 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
    — 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
    The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
    The clinic is closed.

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  • I stepped on a cornflake today! So I am a cereal killer now.

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  • - Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?
    - He had a loco-motive.

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  • Have you heard about the homicidal maniac who papercuts people to death with terms and conditions documents?
    He’s a contract killer.

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  • A lunatic, a maniac and a serial killer have moved into our neighborhood.
    We have changed the name of the street to Psycho Path.

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  • My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
    I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

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  • My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
    I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

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  • Went bobsleighing last week,

    Killed 30 Bob’s.

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  • I stepped on a Cornflake... ... ...
    Does that mean i'm a cereal killer?

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  • I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

    My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

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  • In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

    To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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  • A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

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  • I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

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  • Q: When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
    A: Rust in peace!

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  • I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

    I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.

    I nailed it.

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  • Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

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  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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  • Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

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  • My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
    “I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

    * * * * *



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