Hilarious jokes about NEWSPAPERs that will make your day 🤪!



Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

- Random starter newspaper groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Q: What do you call a newspaper with blood on it?
    A: a periodic.

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  • Me: What’s black and white and red all over?
    A newspaper....
    Kids today:
    What’s a newspaper?

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  • My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

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  • Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
    The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
    "Janet died, Toyota for sale."

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  • A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

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  • Marrying a lady at 30 is like buying a newspaper in the evening.

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  • COINCIDENCE? It's amazing that the amount of news which happens in the world every day just exactly fits the daily newspaper!

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  • What kind of newspaper do cows read

    The moo York times.

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  • What kind of newspaper do cows read

    The moo York times.

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  • My new Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. !!
    Its great, because she fetches my newspaper and slippers afterwards.!!

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  • Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

    Thirty years and not a crossword.

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  • Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
    The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
    "Janet died, Toyota for sale."

    * * * * *


  • There was a classified ad in my local newspaper. Not allowed to tell you what it was selling.

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  • At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.
    Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun.

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  • The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers at the moment is fish n chips.
    And I even take that with a pinch of salt!

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  • I called the newspaper to place an a ad,
    But I couldn't tell the lady about it
    because it was classified .

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  • Me: What’s black and white and red all over?
    A newspaper....
    Kids today:
    What’s a newspaper?

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  • The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
    "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
    There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

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  • Never interrupt someone concentrating on a difficult newspaper puzzle unless you're prepared to hear some cross words.

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  • My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

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  • Q: What do you call a newspaper with blood on it?
    A: a periodic.

    * * * * *


  • One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
    But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
    Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
    The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
    He soon falls asleep.
    Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
    Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

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  • A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:
    'Man seeks woman to date.'
    He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"
    Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

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  • A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

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  • A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says,
    "Hang on! You're a duck."
    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
    "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly, sorry about that,"
    Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
    "I'm a plasterer."
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
    "Get him to give me a call."
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
    "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
    "I'm always looking for the next job,"
    Says the duck.
    "Where is it?"
    "At the circus,"
    Says the barman.
    "The circus?"
    Repeats the duck.
    "That's right,"
    Replies the barman.
    "The circus?"
    The duck asks again.
    “With the big tent?"
    "Yeah," the barman replies.
    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
    "Of course," the barman replies.
    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
    "That's right!" says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
    "What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

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  • Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

    Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
    😎

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  • A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
    'About 32,' is the reply.'
    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
    She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
    He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
    He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
    'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

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  • A Dentist Was Caught Having Sex With His Patient.
    Next Day The Newspaper Headlines Were.
    Dentist Caught Filling The Wrong Hole! 🔞

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  • I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

    The Times are rough.

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