100+ Jokes about cops, police and criminals.



What did the nurse say when she was asked why the sheriff didn't get sick but his second in command did?
I Shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.

- TOP police joke from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun


  • A friend got arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while and then let him go.

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  • A cop pulled me over (again!) and when he was going to give me a ticket I asked, "Couldn't you just give me a warning?". He got really mad and replied, "A warning? You want a warning? I'm warning you not to do that again or I will give you another ticket!"

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  • COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

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  • In the local police station and saw an officer with three stripes eating a trifle. He was the custardy sergeant.

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  • Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.
    They're hoping to catch him before he strikes again..

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  • The adhesive factory was burgled last night, police say the thieves left no glues.

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  • Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air... then you wave them like you just don’t care.

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  • I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
    Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

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  • My wife was just involved in a car crash, she told the police that the man was on his phone and drinking a can of larger, the police said he can do whatever he likes in his own house.

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  • C. Hello ma'am can I take your name please.
    M. Yes its Freeta
    C. And your last name?
    M. It is Gow
    C. So you are Freeta gow?
    M. Thank you, bye

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  • Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
    My answer: “Depends on how long you been following me.”

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  • Police say they are looking for a man, six feet, who has stolen three pairs of shoes.

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  • Police dogs have not been walked yet.
    Detectives are searching for leads.

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  • If the police department has a bbq, is it called a steak-out?

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  • What do you call a policeman in bed?
    An undercover cop

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  • Kinda sexy how you put those handcuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
    Cop: WTF is wrong with you.

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  • Mike,
    It says in the paper that the police
    are looking for a bank robber with one eye,
    Marty, Why don't they use two?

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  • To catch thieves stealing blankets one cop went undercover!

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  • The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.

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  • After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning,As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight"

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  • Police have warned that a man who stole a stradivarius should not be approached, as he has a history of violins.

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  • A man goes into the police station and says 'A pair of my underpants have been stolen'. The policeman said 'Can you give me a brief description?'

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  • Just moved into my new flat.
    Directly below me is a police station.
    It would appear that I am above the law.

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  • Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their cows are being stolen during the night.
    They're looking for a man with a big moo-stash.....

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  • A man was apprehended on the high street for drinking the contents of a car battery.
    Update: police have now charged him.

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  • Why did the lighthouse keeper ring the police? There was an emerging sea.

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  • Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

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  • Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

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  • I hate getting my picture taken.

    Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.

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  • Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.

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  • Just saw three police cars going down my street in reverse. Someone must have called for backup.

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  • Just had a police officer at my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
    I told him if he used both eyes he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

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  • [loud knocking ]
    "Open up. its the police"..
    Me: "prove it"..
    "How"?..
    Me: "Sing Roxanne"...

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  • An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
    The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    The officer then asked, "Really?
    Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    The man replied,
    "My wife."

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  • Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Burnley after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.
    He is due to be bailed tomorrow...

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  • The police interviewed a sloth who was mugged by some tortoises. He said, "it all happened so quickly".

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  • I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.

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  • I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them.
    Unfortunately, the police call it theft.

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  • I was stopped by a policeman earlier.
    He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
    "I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied
    He said, "There is no traffic."
    I answered, "That's how far behind I am."

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  • What did the policeman say to his belly button?
    Your under a vest.

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  • I wasn't planning on going for a run tonight.
    But them cops came out of nowhere...

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  • Today police arrested a man for stealing helium balloons.
    They held him for a little while, then they let him go.

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  • Where do police officers eat dinner?
    Arrestaurant.

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  • If you're sober, it's a police car. But if you're drunk, it's a taxi.

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  • Got stopped by the police today, asked where I was going, I said to buy some oil, he said is it essential? I said no, cooking!

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  • What do Police Officers get paid at night?
    Copper Nitrate.

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  • 2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

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  • Just got a phone call from my local police station. They said they want to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job there, but it sounds promising.

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  • Cop stopped me doing 110 mph in my Lamborghini today and asked me, "do you know why I pulled you over?"
    I replied, "Because I let you."

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  • I saw a Cop on the roof of our local police office this morning, just sitting there thinking.
    He had ideas above his station...

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  • Breaking: due to panic buying, police were called to Tesco's this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle.

    A spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation

    Although one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.

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  • There was a rollover of a truck loaded with wigs and hairpieces.
    The police are now combing the area.

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  • Local police were called to the park for reports of teenage skateboarders disobeying sidewalk rules. Their boards were confiSKATED pending arrival of their parents.

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  • I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

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  • The Cops pulled me over when I had a giant pack of cards in my car.
    They didn't arrest me, they just dealt with me at the side of the road.

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