Hilarious jokes about PRISON that will make your day 🤪!



“I was stunned by how many Israeli politicians are going to prison. When you ask an Israeli politician what his cell number is, it has a whole other meaning.”—Jay Leno

- Random starter jail groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.

    "Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"

    He said "No. He just keeps bumping into people".

    * * * * *


  • If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

    * * * * *


  • I hate shower sex.
    It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

    * * * * *


  • A mumble rapper gets out of prison.
    Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Did you hear about the artist who paints in jail?
    A: He had a brush with the law.

    * * * * *



  • On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
    "Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

    * * * * *


  • Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
    You're just not allowed to attach a file.

    * * * * *


  • I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.

    * * * * *


  • “Security without liberty is called prison.”
    — Benjamin Franklin

    * * * * *


  • COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

    * * * * *


  • That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

    * * * * *


  • When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

    * * * * *


  • I almost got shanked in jail last night.
    My family takes Monopoly very seriously.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the basketball player go to jail?
    Because he shot the ball.

    * * * * *


  • How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

    * * * * *


  • Two Russians meet in a prison cell...
    "How long?" the first one asks.
    "Fifteen years. You?"
    "Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
    "For nothing."
    "Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

    * * * * *


  • What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
    Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

    * * * * *


  • How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
    He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.

    * * * * *


  • Divorce is like getting out of jail but not having any money to do anything cool.

    * * * * *


  • What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

    Jesus loves you!

    * * * * *


  • I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
    "Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

    * * * * *


  • I never said he’d been to prison…
    …I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

    * * * * *


  • Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

    Because the pros outweigh the cons.

    * * * * *


  • What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?

    A period.

    Why?

    Because it marks the end of a sentence.

    * * * * *


  • I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

    * * * * *


  • I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.

    "Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"

    He said "No. He just keeps bumping into people".

    * * * * *


  • What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
    Imprisonmint.

    * * * * *


  • My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

    * * * * *


  • That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

    * * * * *


  • I hate shower sex.
    It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

    * * * * *


  • My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.

    * * * * *


  • Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

    * * * * *


  • What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
    One sells watches and the other watches cells.

    * * * * *


  • You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
    as long as you don't attach a file.

    * * * * *


  • My brother called me from his prison quarters. He has a cell phone.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?

    Because they couldn't container.

    * * * * *


  • PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
    1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
    His goal: transcend dental medication.

    * * * * *


  • Would a book club in prison be called prose and cons?

    * * * * *


  • "The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
    ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

    * * * * *


  • Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

    Because the pros outweigh the cons.

    * * * * *


  • My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere.

    After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

    * * * * *


  • A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.
    The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
    She replied "four, your honour".
    The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
    Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "Your honour, I'd also like to add, she stole a tin of peas too!!"

    * * * * *


  • How did the nucleus escape from prison?

    Through the cell wall.

    * * * * *


  • Do not regret past mistakes.
    All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.
    Disregard this if you are in prison.

    * * * * *


  • Are we not pure? “No, sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage!” Irony dooms a man—a prisoner up to new era.

    * * * * *


  • A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

    "For drinking." replies the cop.

    "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

    * * * * *


  • If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the little girl who was sent to prison for not going to sleep last night? She was charged with resisting arrest!

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the rapper who made an album while in prison? Unfortunately, everyone who bought it was jailed because now they had a criminal record.

    * * * * *


  • A mumble rapper gets out of prison.
    Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

    * * * * *


  • Why are there so many rappers still in jail?
    Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

    * * * * *


  • Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end you could go to jail for a very long time?

    * * * * *


  • Got sacked from my job as a police officer last week, I think it was
    My
    Take no prisoners attitude 😳

    * * * * *


  • Q: Did you hear about the artist who paints in jail?
    A: He had a brush with the law.

    * * * * *


  • ust got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
    Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

    * * * * *


  • I've decided to open a music studio in jail.
    It's called criminal records.

    * * * * *


  • wo young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
    The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
    "Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
    "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
    "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
    "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

    * * * * *


  • A man with a stutter died in prison... before he could finish his sentence.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a hundred white men running down a hill? Avalanche.
    What do you call a hundred black men running down a hill? Mudslide.
    What do you call a hundred latinos running down a hill? Jailbreak.

    * * * * *


  • “I was stunned by how many Israeli politicians are going to prison. When you ask an Israeli politician what his cell number is, it has a whole other meaning.”—Jay Leno

    * * * * *


  • A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
    "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
    Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
    After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
    After a few minutes the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

    * * * * *


  • Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. He didn't even get to finish his sentence.

    * * * * *


  • You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
    ...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

    * * * * *


  • A woman woke up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
    at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?", he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

    Yes, I do", she replies.

    The husband pauses.

    The words were not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?"

    'Yes, I remember", says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues.

    Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
    "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""

    'I remember that also", she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
    "I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!

    And the fight started.

    * * * * *


  • “Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
    ~ Sylvia Plath

    * * * * *


  • 25 PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
    His goal: transcend dental medication.

    * * * * *


  • A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
    at the wall.
    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
    'Yes, I do' she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
    'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
    'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
    'I remember that too' she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
    "I would have been released today..!!!"

    * * * * *


  • A cousin of mine who had a stuttering problem just died in prison. Poor guy didn't even finish a sentence😢

    * * * * *


  • Why did the picture go to jail?
    It was framed! 🖼

    * * * * *



More prison jokes on the following pages...