Hilarious jokes about SURPRISE that will make your day 🤪!



The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

- Random starter surprise groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • I always knew I'd get old.
    How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

    * * * * *


  • “Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”

    * * * * *


  • She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

    * * * * *


  • When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
    Now I'm homeless.

    * * * * *


  • I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

    * * * * *



  • My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

    * * * * *


  • My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

    * * * * *


  • "Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

    - The Psychology of Money

    * * * * *


  • I was surprised to find out that the 'element of surprise' is not there on the periodic table.

    * * * * *


  • I just ate 10 whole Kinder eggs.
    I'm just full of surprises.

    * * * * *


  • I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

    * * * * *


  • Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
    Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.

    * * * * *


  • I always knew I'd get old.
    How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

    * * * * *


  • I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
    I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

    * * * * *


  • I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

    * * * * *


  • Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

    * * * * *


  • I thought I’d surprise my wife for her birthday.
    Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
    Me: *smiles and nods*
    Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
    Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
    Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
    Me: “Oh.”

    * * * * *


  • - What do you do for a living?
    - I throw surprise parties.
    - Oh. That’s not what I expected.
    - Yeh. That’s the idea.

    * * * * *


  • Just tried ringing Dyson because my vacuum isn't working properly and what a surprise, they aren’t picking up either.

    * * * * *


  • "Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.

    * * * * *


  • How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?
    Kinder surprise.

    * * * * *


  • A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
    He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
    The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

    * * * * *


  • A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

    * * * * *


  • She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

    * * * * *


  • I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
    Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

    * * * * *


  • A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

    * * * * *


  • Most of my family are police marksman, so it was a surprise my brother became a armed robber, at least he died surrounded by his family...

    * * * * *


  • You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

    * * * * *


  • My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.
    That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

    * * * * *


  • I threw my wife a surprise bukake party.
    Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

    * * * * *


  • My german friend didn't realise she was pregnant until she actually gave birth.
    That was a kinder surprise.

    * * * * *


  • When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
    I'm homeless now.

    * * * * *


  • A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".

    * * * * *


  • My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

    It was a cigarette lighter.

    * * * * *


  • Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
    Also uterus: Surprise her.

    * * * * *


  • My husband just called me pretentious.

    I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

    * * * * *


  • Ten interesting facts about Diarrhoea.
    Number 2 might surprise you!

    * * * * *


  • How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

    * * * * *


  • A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
    The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

    He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
    "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
    The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
    "Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

    * * * * *


  • How do you embarrass a Psychic?
    Throw him a surprise party!

    * * * * *


  • I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn't work properly.
    No surprises there...

    * * * * *


  • Q: What is big, grey and jumps out of trees on to the unwary?
    A: The elephant of surprise!

    * * * * *


  • My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

    I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

    * * * * *


  • I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
    I can't say I'm surprised.

    * * * * *


  • I surprised my wife by getting Romantic last night...
    Best Scrabble score I've ever had!

    * * * * *


  • A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
    Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
    Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

    * * * * *


  • A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

    So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    * * * * *


  • If my memory gets any worse....I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

    * * * * *


  • When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
    Now I'm homeless.

    * * * * *


  • Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"
    I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

    * * * * *


  • John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
    He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
    She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
    John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
    *"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
    The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
    She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

    * * * * *


  • My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...
    I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
    ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

    * * * * *


  • Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

    * * * * *


  • My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

    Can't say I'm surprised.

    * * * * *


  • My wife just surprised me by admitting she has just had plastic facial surgery yet was surprisingly tight lipped about the cost !

    * * * * *


  • An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
    "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
    "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

    * * * * *


  • The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

    * * * * *


  • I was surprised when my dad revealed he was a mystical chemist...
    He said that the world was ending and I was the only one to stop it. He handed me a blue and yellow pill and told me to swallow it. Reluctantly, I swallowed it in a big, hard gulp.

    Suddenly, my legs started to run away and everything became small. I even crashed through the roof!

    A dark presence started hitting my dad! He lay on the floor, shaking and aching.

    "Dad! No!" I shouted, "but I'll get him back, I promise, I'm huge!"

    My dad, laying in pain, whispered with his last, trembling breath...

    "H-hey Huge, I'm d-dad..."

    * * * * *


  • I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

    * * * * *


  • Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

    * * * * *


  • My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

    Can’t say I’m surprised.

    * * * * *


  • Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
    As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
    Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
    “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

    * * * * *


  • I told my female colleague that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

    * * * * *


  • I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”
    ...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

    * * * * *


  • A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

    * * * * *


  • The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

    * * * * *


  • An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
    The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
    The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
    The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
    'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
    'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
    The president was happy to oblige.
    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
    The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
    The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

    * * * * *


  • I don't like surprises.
    Which is why I never open my electricity bill or my bank statement.

    * * * * *


  • I surprised my milkman by appearing naked at the door. He wanted to know how I knew where he lived.

    * * * * *



More surprise jokes on the following pages...