Hilarious jokes about UFO and ALIENS that will make your day 🤪!



"El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

—Sócrates

- Random starter alien groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
    John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
    Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
    Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
    Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
    Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
    Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
    Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
    Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
    Cartoon Laws
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
    Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
    Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
    Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
    Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
    Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
    Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
    Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
    Corollaries:
    When things just can't get any worse, they will.
    Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
    Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
    Corollaries:
    If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
    If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
    Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
    No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
    The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
    Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
    Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
    Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
    Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
    Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
    "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
    "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
    "I said it was a good idea all along."
    Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
    Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
    Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
    Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
    Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
    Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
    Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
    Cohen's Laws of Politics:
    Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
    Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
    Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
    Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
    Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
    Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
    Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
    Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
    Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
    Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
    Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
    Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
    Committee Rules:
    Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
    Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
    Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
    When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
    Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
    Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
    No action is without side-effects.
    Nothing ever goes away.
    There is no free lunch.
    Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
    Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
    Laws of computer programming
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    Any program will expand to fill available memory.
    The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
    Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
    Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
    First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
    Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
    Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
    Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
    Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
    Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
    Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
    Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
    Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
    Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
    Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
    Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
    Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
    Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
    The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
    The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
    All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
    The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
    Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
    Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
    Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
    Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
    Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
    Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
    Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
    Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
    Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
    Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
    Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
    Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
    Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

    * * * * *


  • Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!

    * * * * *


  • A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

    * * * * *


  • "El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

    —Sócrates

    * * * * *


  • UFO tofu?

    * * * * *



  • Question: What do you call alien eggs?
    Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

    * * * * *


  • Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
    John Cameron's Law: No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
    Camp's Law: A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
    Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
    Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
    Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
    Cannon's Cogent Comment: The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
    Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
    Carson's Law It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
    Cartoon Laws
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
    Cavanaugh's Postulate: All kookies are not in a jar.
    Law of Character and Appearance: People don't change; they only become more so.
    Checkbook Balancer's Law: In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
    Cheops's Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
    Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
    Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
    Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
    Corollaries:
    When things just can't get any worse, they will.
    Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
    Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
    Corollaries:
    If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
    If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
    Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
    No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
    The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
    Ciardi's Poetry Law: Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.
    Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
    Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
    Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
    Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
    "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
    "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
    "I said it was a good idea all along."
    Clark's First Law of Relativity: No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
    Corollary: Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver fails.
    Clark's Law: It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
    Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
    Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
    Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
    Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
    Cohen's Laws of Politics:
    Law of Alienation: Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
    Law of Ambition: At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
    Law of Attraction: Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
    Law of Competition: The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
    Law of Inside Dope: There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
    Law of Lawmaking: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
    Law of Permanence: Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
    Law of Secrecy: The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
    Law of Wealth: Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
    Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
    Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
    Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Colson's Law: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    Comins's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
    Committee Rules:
    Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
    Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
    Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
    When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
    Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
    Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology:
    No action is without side-effects.
    Nothing ever goes away.
    There is no free lunch.
    Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
    Law of Computability Applied to Social Science: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
    Laws of computer programming
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    Any program will expand to fill available memory.
    The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
    Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
    Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
    First Maxim of Computers: To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
    Connolly's Law of Cost Control: The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.
    Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents: Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.
    Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.
    Considine's Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
    Conway's Law 1: If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
    Conway's Law 2: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
    Cooke's Law: In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
    Cook's Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
    Coolidge's Immutable Observation: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
    Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
    Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
    Mr. Cooper's Law: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
    Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation:
    The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
    The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
    All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
    The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
    Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
    Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
    Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
    Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
    Courtois's Rule: If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
    Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration): There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")
    Mark Miller's Exception to Crane's Law: There are no "free lunches", but sometimes it costs more to collect money than to give away food.
    Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
    Cripp's Law: When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.
    Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
    Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound: Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.
    Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
    Czecinski's Conclusion: There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
    An Ill eagle alien.

    * * * * *


  • Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!

    * * * * *


  • A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

    * * * * *


  • UFO tofu?

    * * * * *


  • Q: Where in this world would you find opera singing aliens?
    A: ARIA 51!!!!!!

    * * * * *


  • Why is it that people with rubbish cameras and shakey hands, are the only people to see UFO's ?

    * * * * *


  • "El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

    —Sócrates

    * * * * *


  • Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet?
    They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.

    * * * * *


  • Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?
    They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

    * * * * *


  • Sadat's Reminder: Those who invented the law of supply and demand have no right to complain when this law works against their interest.
    Sam's Axioms:
    Any line, however short, is still too long.
    Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.
    Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
    Sattler's Law: There are 32 points to the compass, meaning that there are 32 directions in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit; yet, the juice almost invariably flies straight into the human eye.
    Saunders's Discovery: Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
    Sayre's Third Law of Politics: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
    Schenk's First Principle of Industrial Market Economics: Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
    Schickel's TV Theorems:
    Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
    The only programs a grown-up can possibly stand are those intended for children. Or, more properly, those that cater to those pre-adolescent fantasies that most have never abandoned.
    Schmidt's Law: Never eat prunes when you're hungry.
    Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.
    Schuckit's Law: All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous the procedure may be.
    Schultze's Law: If you can't measure output, then you measure input.
    Schumpeter's Observation of Scientific and Nonscientific Theories: Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
    Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
    Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
    Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
    Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
    Screwdriver Syndrome: Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best.
    Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
    Law of Selective Gravity (the Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
    Corollary (Klipstein): The most delicate component will be the one to drop.
    Sells's Law: The first sample is always the best.
    Laws of Serendipity:
    In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.
    If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
    Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
    Shaffer's Law: The effectiveness of a politician varies in inverse proportion to his commitment to principle.
    Shalit's Law: The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.
    Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
    Sharkey's Fourth Law of Motion: Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies.
    Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
    Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:
    Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
    When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
    The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
    There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
    The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
    Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.
    Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
    Short's Quotations:
    Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
    Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
    Malpractice makes malperfect.
    Neurosis is a communicable disease.
    The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
    Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
    A little ignorance can go a long way.
    Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
    There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
    Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
    Entropy has us outnumbered.
    The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
    Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.
    Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
    Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
    Mother Sigafoos's Observation: A man should be greater than some of his parts.
    Simmon's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
    Simon's Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
    Sinner's Law of Retaliation: Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
    Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
    Skole's Rule for Antique Dealers: Never simply say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "Too bad, I just sold one the other day."
    Law of Slide Presentation: In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down or backwards, or both.
    Smith's Principles of Bureaucratic Tinkertoys:
    Never use one word when a dozen will suffice.
    If it can be understood, it's not finished yet.
    Never be the first to do anything.
    Snafu Equations:
    Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns.
    An object or bit of information most needed, will be least available.
    In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
    Badness comes in waves.
    First Law of Socio-Economics: In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task.
    First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
    Woods's Refutation of the First Law of Socio-Genetics: On the contrary, if you never procreate, neither will your kids.
    Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy: In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
    Sodd's First Law: When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate). Nevertheless, some tasks are completed, since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.
    Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
    Corollary: Any system must be designed to withstand the worst possible set of circumstances.
    Sodd's Other Law: The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success.
    Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion: A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
    Spare Parts Principle: The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
    Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:
    Strive to look tremendously important.
    Attempt to be seen with important people.
    Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
    Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -- then quickly change the subject.
    Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
    If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
    Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight.
    Walk at a fast pace when out of the office -- this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
    Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
    Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
    Specht's Meta-Law: Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
    Sprinkle's Law: Things always fall at right angles.
    Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
    Steinbeck's Law: When you need towns, they are very far apart.
    Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.
    Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.
    Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong.
    Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.
    Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
    Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
    Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
    Law of Superiority: The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.
    Law of Superstition: It's bad luck to be superstititious.
    Survival Formula for Public Office:
    Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
    Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
    Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
    Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
    Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.
    Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts loudest has the floor.

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  • "I hear Kylie Minogue wants to sing one of her songs in an alien language"
    "Like a Martian?"
    "No, I should be so lucky"

    * * * * *


  • A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization.
    That’s fucking intelligent.

    * * * * *


  • What if UFO’s are just billionaires from other planets?

    * * * * *


  • I screwed up my back investigating alien activity for the FBI.
    I have Scully-osis.

    * * * * *


  • Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

    * * * * *


  • I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
    I think I was on board the mothership.

    * * * * *


  • Just had my first UFO experience!
    Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!

    Flying saucers everywhere!

    * * * * *


  • If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it is simply an O.

    * * * * *


  • I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

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More ufo and aliens jokes on the following pages...