Hilarious jokes about VAMPIREs that will make your day 🤪!



Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire?
A: Count swagula.

- Random starter vampire groaner from Adminus Anonimous, the fun manager.

Сrazy people telling jokes are ready for fun



  • Vampire dad "You ok?"

    Vampire son "yeah why?"

    Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣

    * * * * *


  • Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

    They would just suck.

    * * * * *


  • How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
    They start coffin.

    * * * * *


  • Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.

    * * * * *


  • A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test. She wasn't his type.

    * * * * *



  • A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.
    "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
    "Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

    * * * * *


  • A human drinking vampire blood.
    Vampires asks "what does it taste like"
    Human answers "like irony".

    * * * * *


  • Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
    The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
    The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
    The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

    * * * * *


  • Q:What do lesbian vampires say to each other?
    A:See you in a month.

    * * * * *


  • Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

    They would just suck.

    * * * * *


  • I don't know if you know this but vampires are not real, unless you Count Dracula.

    * * * * *


  • Vampire dad "You ok?"

    Vampire son "yeah why?"

    Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣

    * * * * *


  • - What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    - Frostbite.

    * * * * *


  • Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire?
    A: Count swagula.

    * * * * *


  • What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!

    * * * * *


  • I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

    My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

    * * * * *


  • What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?
    B Positive!

    * * * * *


  • To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

    * * * * *


  • You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
    Unless you Count Dracula.

    * * * * *


  • How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
    They start coffin.

    * * * * *


  • Can vampires drink a priest's blood?

    * * * * *


  • A met a vampire bat who has an online dating site. Love at first byte.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

    He just couldn't stop coffin!

    * * * * *


  • Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.

    * * * * *


  • To kill a French vampire you must drive a baguette through its heart...
    It may sound easy,
    but it's *pain'staking*.

    * * * * *


  • What restaurants are vampires terrified to eat at?

    Stake Houses.

    * * * * *


  • Space could be filled with vampires, but we’d never know because telescopes use mirrors.

    * * * * *


  • Vampires are just human-sized mosquitos.

    * * * * *


  • A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test. She wasn't his type.

    * * * * *



More vampire jokes on the following pages...