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  • late replies are so attractive like damn u don't give a fuck huh.

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  • I am a professional banjo player. Folks pay me to stop .

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  • Do people who work for Goodyear or Firestone ever re tire?

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  • FUN Fact:
    For one moment in time, you were the youngest person in the world.

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  • How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

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  • FUN Fact:
    J.K. Rowling was the first person to ever become a billionaire from writing books.

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  • Why do the French take syrup to their weddings?
    Because the Best Man always gives a French Toast!

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  • Don't cry because the weekend is over. Cry because you're ugly.

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  • I made a rocking chair today.
    It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

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  • - Шеф, вам что-нибудь принести?
    - Принесите мне прибыль!

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  • A man walked into a car dealership.
    He said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
    Salesman said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
    The man replied, “You do now.”

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  • When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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  • My girlfriend is throwing me a surprise birthday party. I know about it but it’ll be a surprise for my wife.

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  • I made a pizza with liver. Nobody liked it...
    So I had to deliver it.

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  • Don't hate your haters, they already hate themselves.

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  • Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

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  • Жизнь дала мне два важных урока. Первый я уже не помню, а второй - всё нужно записывать!

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  • I'm in a great place right now.

    Maybe not emotionally, financially, mentally or physically, but there is coffee at this place.

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  • I love that take out means food, dating, and murder...
    and all three if you are a praying mantis...

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  • Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
    - Ты молока купил?
    Муж:
    - Молокаку? Не, не пил!

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  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

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  • “The measure of a man is what he does with power.”

    - Plato

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  • My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I am an ICE-CUBE.

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  • If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

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  • I was hiking yesterday when suddenly
    I ran into a cougar.

    Almost made me puma pants.

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  • Here's a science question: If protons have mass, are they Catholic?

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  • Just curious, can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

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  • You can’t make me happy, you’re not the liquor store.

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  • — А вы знаете как поймать тигра в клетку?
    — Никак. Тигры бывают только в полоску.

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  • Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

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  • “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
    — Martin Luther King Jr.

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  • I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I just couldnt say hello.
    There was just too much history between us.

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  • A farmer brought Photoshop, but couldn't crop..
    Afterall it was not his field..

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  • Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

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  • I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

    It's a great way to break the ice.

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  • I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:

    "I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"

    He said, "Fuck off, get your own wife."

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  • I've just been to the shortest ever Festival of Cheese.
    It was the briefest.

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  • What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

    Hand Solo.

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  • Sharing is fun, unless its your own stuff.

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  • - Рабинович, от вас несёт перегаром!
    - Это от внутреннего выгорания.

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  • I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

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  • I listen to the talk radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

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  • How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshire man? ...

    He's the one with a cat flap on his head..

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  • Poetry is the art of saying let’s fuck without saying let’s fuck.

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  • I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
    Not a fan.

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  • "A disciplined mind brings happiness."

    - Buddha

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  • FUN Fact:
    Neil Armstrong had to fill an immigration form while coming back to the earth from the moon.

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  • I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub.

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  • Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

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  • For the first time in our marriage my wife
    apologised to me.
    She said “I'm sorry I even met you!”

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  • I have a PHP joke; but I am afraid that if I "POST" it, you won't "GET" it

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  • NASA hired a claustrophobic astronaut.
    .
    He just needed a little space.

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  • My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

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  • After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs... again.

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  • You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

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  • Не понимаю, почему владельцы айфонов так не любят тех, кто с андроидом.
    Что вам сделали люди без кредитов?

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  • I keep telling myself to quit drugs.
    Like Im going to listen to a drug addict.

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  • I know a massage therapist that kneads new customers.

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  • I chose to get my fake news the old fashion way, from the Bible.

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  • Q: Where was Noah when the lights went out?
    A: In d'ark.

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  • "Your direction is more important than your speed."

    * * * * *


  • FUN fact:
    In the Netherlands, workers can be absent for up to two years while receiving 70% of their salary as sick pay.

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  • Fan (?): "I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?"
    Author: "Who read it to you?"

    * * * * *


  • Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

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  • I knew a girl named pickles.

    I relished her.

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  • Her: That Chevy Spark you're driving is tiny.
    Me: I'm compensating.

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  • Overthinking is my kink.

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  • Act like a ninja and wear a black face mask, bitches love ninjas

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  • I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

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  • All carpenters matter. Send unsolicited deck pics.

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  • I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

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  • Ambiguity is the motherfucker of intention.

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  • Bestow upon me your most bestowable bestowings.

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  • I may be an atheist but I love Jesus jokes. Especially when they nail it.

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  • There is always tomorrow, but not for everyone.

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  • A goldfish has a 10 second memory. Once you’re done being sad and angry about the situation, be a goldfish.

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  • My Wife just called me a greedy pig.

    I nearly choked on her dinner.

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  • Knock! Knock!

    Coronavirus: Who’s there?

    Vaccine : It’s me.

    Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!

    * * * * *


  • The real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because of ereptile disfuntion!

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  • "It is not enough to win a war; it is more important to organize the peace."

    - Aristotle

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  • If vegetable’s are fertilised using animal manure, does that mean that no one is a real vegan ?

    * * * * *


  • I just yelled, ‘F, YOU GUYS!’ at my students.’ I love being a music teacher.

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  • A Girlfriend is Temporary But an Ex-Girlfriend is for Lifetime..!

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  • They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths. "Taylors", Where Tailors What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

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  • Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound.

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  • What do you think of the rectum as a hole ?

    * * * * *


  • Twist and Shout is my favorite song about opening a pickle jar.

    * * * * *


  • The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

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  • I fell in love with two priests, unfortunately I got double crossed.

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  • There are no such thing as Chuck Norris jokes! Only Chuck Norris facts!

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  • Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

    * * * * *


  • My ex started a rumour that I don’t know how to play solitaire. Two can play at that game.

    * * * * *


  • Saying -nevermind- because you're too lazy to repeat yourself.

    * * * * *


  • I just hope if I’m ever abducted by aliens they let me bring my dog.

    * * * * *


  • I like my men like I like my toilet seats: warm and just the right size.

    * * * * *


  • The wetness of the toilet seat is my barometer of the day

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  • - Спасиба.
    - Через О.
    - Спосиба.

    * * * * *


  • "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

    * * * * *


  • I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean onе thing... It’s laundry day.

    * * * * *


  • I just got my ancestry results back, turns out Im 1/3 Scotch, and 2/3 soda.

    * * * * *


  • I keep failing the sobriety test. I guess I am not studying hard enough.

    * * * * *


  • I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck can cut a knife with hot butter.

    * * * * *


  • I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

    The look on his face was priceless.

    * * * * *


  • My wife got a pedicure and I was left to foot the bill.

    * * * * *


  • Led Zeppelin uses 80% less energy than Incandescent Zeppelin.

    * * * * *


  • The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

    * * * * *


  • If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
    they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

    * * * * *


  • If Stevie Nicks married Stevie Wonder,
    they’d both be…. Stevie Wonder.

    * * * * *


  • I made shoes out of banana peels and ended up with a pair of slippers!

    * * * * *


  • A recent study revealed that Americans watch more television than any other appliance.

    * * * * *


  • I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
    He didn't know.

    * * * * *


  • Just got a job at the factory making telescopes.

    Things are finally looking up.

    * * * * *


  • Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.

    * * * * *


  • "youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope."

    - Aristotle

    * * * * *


  • “Life is too short to learn German”
    ― Oscar Wilde

    * * * * *


  • Roses are red, Facebook is blue, 0 mutual friends, Who the hell are you?

    * * * * *


  • I remain alert by taking Ballet lessons.
    .
    It keeps me on my toes.

    * * * * *


  • Monday….Greg, Tuesday…Ian, Wednesday….Greg….. Thursday…..Ian, Friday Greg, Saturday… Ian, Sunday…..Greg…… me using the Gregorian Calendar

    * * * * *


  • I started my new job in a saloon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

    She said I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me

    Doggy I replied.

    * * * * *


  • I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal.

    * * * * *


  • This fat girl just served me in McDonald's.
    She said Sorry about the wait.
    I said Don't worry you'll find a way to lose it eventually.

    * * * * *


  • I’m trying to come up with more pee jokes but I’ve lost my flow.

    * * * * *


  • I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

    * * * * *


  • My wife married me because she heard I was well off. After she got to know us she realized my whole family was a little off.

    * * * * *


  • Married sex is like laundry and I’m not doing either this week.

    * * * * *


  • Interviewer: can you explain this gap on your resume.

    Me: yes that is when I worked at the invisible ink factory.

    * * * * *


  • Если перевести Casanova на русский то получается Новосельцев.

    * * * * *


  • What happens when polar bears sit on ice cubes?
    They get Polaroids.

    * * * * *


  • I just found out AUGGHHH isn’t a real word.

    I can’t express how that makes me feel.

    * * * * *


  • January - a giant Monday.

    * * * * *


  • Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

    * * * * *


  • After eating escargot I felt very sluggish.

    * * * * *


  • My husband's been hanging out at the gym.
    I told him to wear bigger short.

    * * * * *


  • Beer is good but beers are better.

    * * * * *


  • They can’t hurt you, when you no longer care.

    * * * * *


  • Опытная женщина — это женщина, которая умеет притворяться неопытной.

    * * * * *


  • I opened my water and electric bill at the same time, and boy, was I shocked...

    * * * * *


  • Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid? It said twist to open.

    * * * * *


  • These days my circle of friends is more like a dot.

    * * * * *


  • If you think I wear overalls due to laziness, you really have no idea how often I have to pee.

    * * * * *


  • Broke a nail sleeping if you are wondering what a badass I am.

    * * * * *


  • The coolest place I've ever worked at was a ice house.

    * * * * *


  • FUN FACT:
    Research has shown that people are happiest at 7:26pm on Saturday evening.

    * * * * *


  • Tomorrow belongs to those who can survive today.

    * * * * *


  • "Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it."

    By George Orwell

    * * * * *


  • I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

    * * * * *


  • The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

    * * * * *


  • I use to make light bulbs. That job brightened my day.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the tomato that fell in a pot of boiling water? Boy...was he ever stewed!

    * * * * *




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