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  • What do you call a famous turtle?

    A shellebrity.

    * * * * *


  • I saw a list of 100 books you must read before you die, so as long as I avoid reading them I’ll live forever.

    * * * * *


  • MY HUSBAND AND I are doing workshop. He works and I shop!

    * * * * *


  • A biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves,

    * * * * *


  • I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul.

    * * * * *


  • Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

    * * * * *


  • I got sacked from my film set design job, I just left without making a scene.

    * * * * *


  • My wife said I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment...

    * * * * *


  • Что делать, если хочу прийти в себя, а там закрыто?

    * * * * *


  • I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

    He didn’t care.

    * * * * *


  • Вегетарианцы не стареют - они вянут.

    * * * * *


  • What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
    Claude.

    * * * * *


  • I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

    He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

    * * * * *


  • Winter sports fans need to accept it; Skiing is going downhill.

    * * * * *


  • Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

    * * * * *


  • I sleep in the past tense, the rest is history.

    * * * * *


  • I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.

    * * * * *


  • I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.

    * * * * *


  • У Сергея так давно не было секса, что его стали возбуждать таблички
    ВХОД и ВЫХОД.

    * * * * *


  • I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.

    Swede car online......

    * * * * *


  • When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

    * * * * *


  • Одесса. Привоз. Воскресная толкучка. Женщины примеряют шляпы.
    Вдруг громкий возглас продавщицы:
    - Где это чучело, шо шляпу меряло?! Сбежала, шо ли?!
    - Да тут я, тут.
    - Ой, мадам Кац, вас просто не узнать! Богиня, красавица, ну, настоящая графиня!

    * * * * *


  • Vampires are just human-sized mosquitos.

    * * * * *


  • Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
    Boss: How long?
    Me: Just a normal sized bed..

    * * * * *


  • A friend of mine got into wearing camouflage so much that I don't see him anymore.

    * * * * *


  • Just had some amazing ideas for a quartet of hit songs - gonna make a four tune!

    * * * * *


  • I wrote a limerick about snorting cocaine, where the 3rd and 4th lines are the shortest.

    * * * * *


  • Q: Why was the computer so tired after his road trip?
    A: He had a hard drive.

    * * * * *


  • Jokes about the search for eternal youth never get old.

    * * * * *


  • Самое грустное в браке -
    это когда любовница
    выходит замуж.

    * * * * *


  • I remain very skeptical and suspicious of organic foods.
    I keep hearing about people dying from natural cause.

    * * * * *


  • I told my therapist so much about my mother that he doesn't like her either.

    * * * * *


  • Big Bang Theory was just "Friends" with advanced degrees and fewer social skills...

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

    * * * * *


  • If you ever hear me breathe deeply it's not because I'm annoyed it's because I forget to breathe sometimes.

    * * * * *


  • Анжела была сильной, независимой женщиной, и привыкла добиваться всего сама. Оргазм не был исключением.

    * * * * *


  • Me: Where do you want to eat?
    Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
    Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

    * * * * *


  • Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.

    * * * * *


  • What do you get when two giraffes collide?

    A giraffic jam.

    * * * * *


  • It's been established that Napoléon Bonaparte once yelled out, 'Hey Jo! - there's no water in the loo'! The rest is his story,...

    * * * * *


  • For 20 years I received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. I didn’t get one this year. First Gran dies, now this.

    * * * * *


  • It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

    * * * * *


  • Viagra and Pepsi have teamed up to make a new drink. All i can say is it wont be a soft drink.

    * * * * *


  • Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
    Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town.

    * * * * *


  • Человек как батарейка: есть плюсы, есть минусы. Может сесть.

    * * * * *


  • На приёме у врача:
    - Самуил Яковлевич, самое лучшее для вас - бросить пить, курить и спать с женщинами.
    - Доктор, мне бы чего-нибудь похуже - недостоин я самого лучшего.

    * * * * *


  • - Ты девственница?
    - Ну... Есть немного.

    * * * * *


  • Dora the Explorer is raising a baby cow. You should see it. It’s a Dora bull.

    * * * * *


  • I tell you who could always see right through people, my ex Ray.

    * * * * *


  • I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

    * * * * *


  • She: My boyfriend is a programmer he will hack your world into Oblivion.

    The boyfriend: How to declare variable in HTML.

    * * * * *


  • Why can't Ghosts have Children?
    They have Hollow Weenies!

    Why can't Frankenstein have Children?
    His Nuts are in His Neck!

    * * * * *


  • Contrary to popular belief, money can buy Happiness.

    However, that’s just
    her stage name...

    * * * * *


  • What group of people never get angry?
    The nomads.

    * * * * *


  • " Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
    • Albert Camus

    * * * * *


  • James Bond missed
    his hair colouring appointment.
    Would he
    Dye Another Day?

    * * * * *


  • “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”

    ― Mark Twain

    * * * * *


  • В здоровых отношениях мужчина должен принимать решения, а женщина - говорить какие.

    * * * * *


  • One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem.

    * * * * *


  • Dear Toilet: Please Flush. Sincerely, at my girlfriend’s house.

    * * * * *


  • It was so hot today, I took off all my clothes and opened all the windows, it was such a relief.
    Mind you, the other people on the bus didn't look too happy...

    * * * * *


  • I can always tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs.

    * * * * *


  • When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it's urgent.

    * * * * *


  • At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

    * * * * *


  • How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up on him.
    How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way.

    * * * * *


  • DID YOU KNOW that exercise can add years to your life?! OH YES! For example, I've just ran 2 miles and now I feel like I’m 82...

    * * * * *


  • When a left-hander writes with his left hand, does his left hand become his write hand. I say yes. Even though I am left-handed, am I right?

    * * * * *


  • When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

    It was music to my arse!

    * * * * *


  • My wife says I've become more and more like our old car.
    I said: Don't get me started !

    * * * * *


  • Не стареют две вещи - черный юмор и дети антипрививочников.

    * * * * *


  • - А как я Вас узнаю на первом свидании?
    - Я буду в футболке с Путиным!
    - Я не приду...

    * * * * *


  • I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

    * * * * *


  • I was recently accused of posting a long series of messages about I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and other songs, but I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

    * * * * *


  • I tried to teach my dog to dance, but he just doesn’t get it. Honestly, he acts like he has two left feet!

    * * * * *


  • "Waiter, I'd like two pork chops. And make them lean".
    Waiter, "Sure thing. Which way?"

    * * * * *


  • The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

    * * * * *


  • God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
    But in the end he went with plan Bee.

    * * * * *


  • Нет стыда — иди в мед. Нет ума — иди в пед. Нет ни этих, ни тех — поступай в политех.

    * * * * *


  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.
    I tried it and my goldfish died.

    * * * * *


  • Coronavirus wears a mask to protect itself from Chuck Norris.

    * * * * *


  • I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

    * * * * *


  • — Слыхал, Путину, присудили Нобелевскую премию!
    — В какой области?
    — Сразу в двух: Луганской и Донецкой...

    * * * * *


  • People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

    * * * * *


  • Leaving the house is good for depression, bad for anxiety. Staying at house is good for anxiety, bad for depression.

    * * * * *


  • Dear people who write on bathroom walls, I don`t care who you love. I`m just trying to pee.

    * * * * *


  • Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..

    * * * * *


  • Llora mañana, sonríe hoy. Hacer esto todos los días.

    * * * * *


  • Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee?
    I want to meet them.

    * * * * *


  • People have told me I have a messiah complex but that’s OK, I forgive them.

    * * * * *


  • John Lennon and Gary Barlow, are forming a group, but they can't think of a name.
    Imagine that.

    * * * * *


  • I had a great first day watching over some important, expensive China vases at the British Museum.
    Smashed it.

    * * * * *


  • I will never date a teacher, i have learnt my lesson.

    * * * * *


  • First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

    * * * * *


  • "What time is it?"
    I don't know... it keeps changing.

    * * * * *


  • Don't do anything you're not prepared to explain to a paramedic.

    * * * * *


  • I really want a new car but they're expensive and I'm not that driven.

    * * * * *


  • When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

    * * * * *


  • They say, "Age is just a number, you're as young as you feel."
    The same does not apply to IQ.

    * * * * *


  • I can't speak for y'all but the inventor of the tire is my ultimate roll model.
    For wheel.

    * * * * *


  • Quit my job at the lumber yard. Just got board.

    * * * * *


  • I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

    * * * * *


  • Вода не утоляет жажды Увы я пил ее однажды. О Хайям

    * * * * *


  • IF HUMAN BEANS LET ME DOWN
    I'LL RICE UP AND SHOW THEM HOW STRONG I YAM.

    * * * * *


  • Two fish in a tank, one fish says to the other " You drive it, I'll fire the big gun"

    * * * * *


  • If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

    * * * * *


  • What should they call
    the stairs used for
    boarding planes...

    A flight of stairs.

    * * * * *


  • Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?

    They always want to find their inner peas.

    * * * * *


  • The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

    * * * * *


  • The grammarian was very logical. He had a lot of comma sense.

    * * * * *


  • - А почему у вас вот тот больной постоянно пукает? - спрашивает проверяющий главврача.
    - Это новое в психиатрии, он считает себя Газпромом.

    * * * * *


  • Ever since my wife took a job in Antarctica, she’s been cold and distant.

    * * * * *


  • My friend can't stop bragging about the huge marlin he caught. I'm sick of him always fishing for compliments.

    * * * * *


  • Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

    * * * * *


  • Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

    * * * * *


  • Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

    * * * * *


  • Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

    I need help. Get me a doctor.

    * * * * *


  • He used to have so much gas that his wife left him.

    Gone with the wind ...

    * * * * *


  • Divorce is always messier if there’s children involved and that’s why you should never marry children.

    * * * * *


  • Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She always runs away from the ball.

    * * * * *


  • -I will not pay the bill!
    -Why not? You ordered 42 coffee
    -I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.

    * * * * *


  • Q: How many sheep does it take to make a sweater?
    A: Depends how many in the flock can knit.

    * * * * *


  • My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
    What do you think?

    * * * * *


  • I used to be in a very heavy metal band. I played a lead guitar.

    * * * * *


  • Talk is cheap, unless you are talking to a lawyer.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever I feel sad, I drink apple juice. It makes me appy.

    * * * * *


  • I need a day between every day to recover from the day before, and prepare for the day coming.

    * * * * *


  • Who carries out operations in a lake?
    A sturgeon.

    * * * * *


  • Женщина садится в такси и говорит:
    - В роддом! Да не гоните так,
    я просто там работаю!

    * * * * *


  • If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

    * * * * *


  • My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

    Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

    * * * * *


  • Went to the dressing room. Couldnt find the mayonaise.

    * * * * *


  • What do they call a kid in Turkey who beats up other kids and calls them names?
    An Istanbully.

    * * * * *


  • — Да ты зациклился просто.
    — Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился?

    * * * * *


  • Совет от тёти Песи:
    "Девочки! Если вы всё время будете говорить "да", то вас перестанут уважать. Если вы всё время будете говорить "нет" - оттолкнёте всех мужчин. Поэтому отвечайте: "Не исключено...»

    * * * * *


  • Did I ever tell you about the thief who only stole Kia’s? It wasn’t his Forte.

    * * * * *


  • I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

    * * * * *


  • There’s a blood-sucking insect who issues speeding tickets.
    Be careful, folks.
    The tic is clocking.

    * * * * *


  • I used to mix up metaphors... but that ship has flown...

    * * * * *


  • A psychic is buying clothes:
    Employee: How about this one?
    Psychic: That shirt is too small.
    Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
    Psychic: I’m a medium.

    * * * * *


  • Звезды - это маленькие дырочки в полу рая.

    * * * * *


  • One of Peter Pan's Lost Boys married the Gone Girl. Their children were nowhere to be seen!

    * * * * *


  • Crap happens, just flush it and move on.

    * * * * *


  • mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

    me: w
    h
    a
    a
    a
    a
    t

    * * * * *


  • How to be an adult:
    - have a bag of cords
    - have a gift bag full of gift bags
    - have a plastic bag full of plastic bags
    - have bags under your eyes

    * * * * *


  • “I’ve just got a new Twitter follower, a lady from a city in North West Italy”

    “Genoa?”

    “Not very well, no...”

    * * * * *


  • How do you know if the yoga clinic is hiring new people to work with them?
    They will have many open positions to fill in.

    * * * * *


  • „We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.“
    Oscar Wilde

    * * * * *


  • The butcher tried to sell me some cured bacon today. I said "No way. I want bacon that was never sick in the first place."

    * * * * *


  • Super Heroes read Chuck Norris comic books.

    * * * * *


  • Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.

    * * * * *