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  • I put music on when I go to bed so I can get a sound sleep.

    * * * * *


  • Underrated investing strategy:
    Know when a stock is going to go 1,000x. Buy it right before.

    * * * * *


  • Scientists trying to figure out the mysteries of space when we still have "do not drink" warnings on strawberry shampoo.

    * * * * *


  • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a pigeon?
    Voice mail.

    * * * * *


  • Я спросил у бармена, где моя любимая?
    "Вы вчера всю выпили!" - бармен отвечал...

    * * * * *


  • Biology Professor says, ''There are 8 sexually transmitted diseases...........
    You will get atleast one in the practicals..

    * * * * *


  • Если истина не попахивает винцом, то - это не истина.

    * * * * *


  • Did you hear about the exorcist who got arrested for handling stolen gear?
    He was charged with possession.

    * * * * *


  • Why did the clown cross the road?
    To get his rubber chicken.

    * * * * *


  • Конечно, деньги - зло. Но их можно пропить по-доброму.

    * * * * *


  • "Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel."
    - Socrates

    * * * * *


  • Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

    * * * * *


  • Salt is just angry sugar.

    * * * * *


  • How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

    * * * * *


  • Me: Finally gets 8 hours of sleep.
    My neck and my back: Congrats but you did it wrong.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.

    * * * * *


  • I was in an Indonesian Restaurant last week and I had fried insect legs.
    Absolutely loved them.
    They really were the Bees Knees.

    * * * * *


  • An IT specialist died today, after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

    It was an unexpected LAN slide.

    * * * * *


  • Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.

    * * * * *


  • Религия – это когда вы платите за свет в конце тоннеля.

    * * * * *


  • I’m thinking of robbing a bakery of all utensils. It’s dangerous, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

    * * * * *


  • Счастье-это всего лишь хорошее здоровье и плохая память.
    Альберт Эйнштейн

    * * * * *


  • If having to wear masks is a mandate, do women have to wear them also?

    * * * * *


  • Me: What do you recommend?

    Waiter: Would you like to hear the Chef's Special?

    Me: I'm sure he is, but let's focus on what I'm going to order.

    * * * * *


  • Just switched from eating venison to pheasant.
    Absolute game changer.

    * * * * *


  • У сатанистов вечно всё не слава богу.

    * * * * *


  • Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
    Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."

    * * * * *


  • The cannibal greeted his guests at the door with handshakes.

    * * * * *


  • Dormir es mi manera favorita para solucionar todos los problemas de mi vida.

    * * * * *


  • Was chasing a hacker but he got away. I think he ransomware.

    * * * * *


  • Don't hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.

    * * * * *


  • Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

    * * * * *


  • The Doctor told me if I had a
    vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
    So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

    * * * * *


  • "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
    - Albert Einstein

    * * * * *


  • Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

    * * * * *


  • It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

    * * * * *


  • “The one irreparable loss is the loss of desire.”
    — Senancour, Obermann (Letter XLI)

    * * * * *


  • We all make mistakes... I just do it better than everyone else.

    * * * * *


  • Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

    * * * * *


  • I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    * * * * *


  • Себя не обманешь ... но можно договориться.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris can decline the End User License Agreement and still download a program on his computer!

    * * * * *


  • I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

    * * * * *


  • The lack of gingerbreadwomen
    is due to pastryarchy.

    * * * * *


  • Sex in your 30's: tri-weekly
    Sex in your 40's: try weekly
    Sex in your 50's: try weakly

    * * * * *


  • For such a large coal factory, it only had a single rail system going through it. I guess you can say it was a...
    ...one track mine.

    * * * * *


  • Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

    * * * * *


  • The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
    The poor child must of had grape expectations.

    * * * * *


  • Why does You begin with a Y & Why with a W? 🤔

    * * * * *


  • I never seem to see the old lady next door any more which is a shame as I wanted to tell her how good her milk bottle collection is.

    * * * * *


  • Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn't say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

    * * * * *


  • "One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

    • Thomas More

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris once looked into Medusa's eyes and Medusa turned to stone!

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris doesn't complete online forms because he doesn't submit.

    * * * * *


  • I've just realised why all the LGBT festivals always happen in the Summer.
    Because Pride comes before the fall.

    * * * * *


  • "To move the world we must first move ourselves."
    - Socrates

    * * * * *


  • How does Winnie-the-Pooh open his honey pots? With his BEAR hands.

    * * * * *


  • Can't spell STUPID without U right in the middle!

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris typically works 40 Hours a day.

    * * * * *


  • Never ask a brutally honest question if you're not prepared to hear a brutally honest answer.

    * * * * *


  • We encourage people to do what they love but we judge them when they actually do it.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris’ rotary phone has WiFi.

    * * * * *


  • By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

    * * * * *


  • Did you know that 99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris won the spelling bee with one letter.

    * * * * *


  • Miss Booker was arrested for stealing a book. The cop said book her!

    * * * * *


  • Baker, Cook, Fry, and Kitchen are real last names!

    * * * * *


  • Baker, Cook, Fry, and Kitchen are real last names!

    * * * * *


  • So when I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

    * * * * *


  • Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream cone ?
    He got hit by a bus.

    * * * * *


  • My main hobby is trying to remember what I just said.

    * * * * *


  • Taking selfies is not that easy as everyone thinks... specially when you’re not attractive!

    * * * * *


  • I really appreciate all the positive feedback I’ve received on my pun about a mountain plateau. It’s the highest form of flattery!

    * * * * *


  • I was going to buy an umbrella but decided to save my money for a rainy day instead.

    * * * * *


  • A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the 'b' is silent.

    * * * * *


  • - I needed sheep for my farm in Canada, and got tricked into buying what I was told were female sheep, but were actually rams.
    - Ewe con?
    - No, Vancouver.

    * * * * *


  • "Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth.
    Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."
    - Aristotle

    * * * * *


  • Добрая половина россиян в понедельник утром выглядит, как недобрая.

    * * * * *


  • Как папа скажет, так по-маминому и будет.

    * * * * *


  • My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

    * * * * *


  • Does anyone actually know what the Knights in white sat in ?

    * * * * *


  • A rubber-band gun was confiscated in school because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    * * * * *


  • What blink 182 failed to mention is that no one likes you after 23 either.

    * * * * *


  • Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated, but there's no cure for stupid.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck once dueled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes forever!

    * * * * *


  • I accidentally asked my friend if he wants to go "boiling" instead of "bowling" and nowwww...
    ...we are in hot water.

    * * * * *


  • Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

    I had the butler show them the door.

    * * * * *


  • Asked a Russian guy to explain the meaning of his name but he wasn't very Igor.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris once took a chicken egg and hatched an eagle.

    * * * * *


  • "If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
    • Ayn Rand

    * * * * *


  • Chuck doesn't have to do what Simon says..

    * * * * *


  • My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

    * * * * *


  • Arms for your chairs are chairs for your arms.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris does not need to buy Bitcoin, he already has them all.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris is the reason Bigfoot hides.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris would only have to walk for President.

    * * * * *


  • Иногда кажется, что Земля не только круглая, но и дура.

    * * * * *


  • If you think no one cares if you're alive, miss a car payment.

    * * * * *


  • — Алло, это база? Я насчёт сарая.
    — Извините, это ракетная база. Вы не туда попали.
    — Да нет. Это вы не туда попали.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

    * * * * *


  • “Dad, I failed my test.”
    “Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
    “How do you know?”
    “Because I’m your mom.”

    * * * * *


  • Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    The police.
    You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
    Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris can put things back into their original packaging.

    * * * * *


  • A friend got arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while and then let him go.

    * * * * *


  • I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

    It must have been something I said.

    * * * * *


  • I saw a student get taken to university by his chauffeur. That's what I love to see. Students who are driven.

    * * * * *


  • If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

    * * * * *


  • Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

    * * * * *


  • Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

    * * * * *


  • If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it is simply an O.

    * * * * *


  • I was listening to a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
    I said to the guy next to me: “That lizard’s really funny.”
    He replied: “That’s not a lizard, it's a stand up chameleon.”

    * * * * *


  • Плыть по течению можно лишь до ближайшего ... водопада!

    * * * * *


  • Привычка ничего не делать до добра не доведёт. Или проголодаешься, или заснёшь.

    * * * * *


  • When Chuck Norris walks into the ocean he doesn't get wet, the ocean gets Chuck Norris.

    * * * * *


  • Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.

    * * * * *


  • Who is an apple’s favourite pop singer?
    Katy Peary.

    * * * * *


  • There is no theory of evolution...only animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live!

    * * * * *


  • When Eric Bana gets mad he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris wears sunglasses, to protect the sun from his eyes…

    * * * * *


  • I'm not saying the wife orders from Amazon a lot, but she just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

    * * * * *


  • You can remove any one letter from the word "seat" and still end up with a real word.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.

    * * * * *


  • If you drive your Subaru in reverse, what are you?
    U r a bus.

    * * * * *


  • I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

    * * * * *


  • Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

    * * * * *


  • The most challenging part of being a chain smoker is lighting the chain.

    * * * * *


  • “Security without liberty is called prison.”
    — Benjamin Franklin

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.

    * * * * *


  • “I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.”
    Arthur Miller

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse, he scrolls with a lion.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

    * * * * *


  • My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

    * * * * *


  • Went into a shop and said "can someone sell me that kettle?" The shop assistant said "Kenwood?" I said "Great, where is he?"

    * * * * *


  • I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

    * * * * *


  • - Малышка, ты просто космос! А я – как Гагарин: вроде бы первый, но чую, что какие-то собаки здесь уже побывали…

    * * * * *


  • - Я ухожу от тебя!
    - Отличная новость!
    - Ты больше никогда не встретишь такую, как я!
    - Еще одна отличная новость!

    * * * * *


  • What did the fisherman say to the magician?

    Pick a cod., any cod.

    * * * * *


  • The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam ,but she wants to come with me……..

    * * * * *


  • Good news: I can still do a full split!
    Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

    * * * * *


  • We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

    * * * * *


  • Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

    * * * * *


  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

    * * * * *


  • What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

    * * * * *


  • Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

    * * * * *


  • My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

    * * * * *


  • - Софочка, собирайся, ми сегодня таки идём в театр!
    - В Большой?
    - Та не волнуйся, поместишься…

    * * * * *


  • The three little pigs' dad told lousy bedtime stories.
    He was such a boar...

    * * * * *


  • Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

    * * * * *


  • My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

    * * * * *